I would UNSAY soo many of the things i have said in my life. I have been told as a small child from the extreme right wing church bunch, that because everything comes from thought, if you think of doing things wrong, than it is as if you have actually committed the wrong. But the truth comes after all these years, that it is FAR better to let the thoughts rest in your mind sometimes than to release them into the world verbally. I do not give a rats fanny about what Dr. Phil thinks about it. I will never trust a man who wears foundation on tv. HOw highly evolved and insightful can one really be if he is so caught up in representing a facade through his outward appearance? I digress. Pay attention to everyone around you. Stop zoning out in your own little view of the path for yourself and your family. We are ALL a part of your path. Especially if you are actually reading this. I expect i am talking to myself which allows more ease to tap into whats really eating me as i blog through it. It works. Go figure. So what am i thinking about this time??
I am thinking about what i am feeling and wanting to express aloud in this moment. I know for certain of only one thing. That everything changes. Putting words to my thoughts is unstable because no matter how strongly i feel about something right now, i will ultimately change my mind as time passes. Even if only in some small way…i will change. Whether i want to or not. HOw does one find peace however, in resolving through words things that are on our mind? Meditation? maybe. I haven’t made it there yet. How do i foster and nurture a stronger relationship in my marriage if i cannot discuss what is on my mind? It can be difficult letting troublesome thoughts rest in our minds without our feelings getting attached and spread the vibe of the discomfort from our thoughts throughout our body. My husband can tell if something is troubling me. He expresses true concern yet when he opens the floor for discussion its as if he is now offended about my position when i tell him what is on my heart. There is a craft one must learn i suspect in balancing the delicate scales of discussion of opportunities for growth and of the speaking of extraneous matter which distracts us of the main issue at hand. What am i trying to say? The half minded population ,like myself(totally mindful is the zen state yes? Nirvana? I surely only qualify as something beyond asleep and void of soul however you word it)at least sees the obviousness of some things being better left unsaid but some things fall into a grey area. In expressing myself to my husband I speak of things on my heart , yet i know not how to excise the flashing(extranneous potentially misinterpreted words) of content that distracts him from hearing my heart and understanding where i am coming from .Or at least making him less able to empathize with me. If i can be aware of this then surely i must be able to better master or maneuver this maze of mysteries in the field of relationships?If i say that his complacency is creating an issue , all he hears is that i called him” complacent” then he hears it as “lazy”. I want to say things like”Could you snap out of your zone for a moment to share a few minutes in conversation with me about the day?” I start out in the beginning of this small issue in our relationship by saying things like” i missed you today…come talk to me” or “Tell me about your day!” Over time one grows weary of always initiating this interaction and eventually i actually somehow say ” Unless something is entertaining or deemed worthy of your time then you just sit and zone out with solitaire or facebook”. like a vomit thy blech spills… take away emotion. Let all of it go somewhere else. exhale it. release it. Remind yourself that you both chose to love each other in spite of all the shortcomings you both bring to the table. Love bears all things. Now I have said ” You drive me crazy but i put up with it because i truly love you” You can pretty much surmise that this statement was NOT recieved well. How can i get this in my mind, but trip over myself when put it into action?? It would have went over much smoother had i chose to say”love bears all things” or simply said nothing at all. Because i would not be in this moment for long and if only i could let it pass in silence then perhaps it would have been like any other random passing moment? relatively uneventful. Then when the time came for my mind to move on and my heart to move and which altered the frequency of my vibe, i wouldnt have to do damage control over good intentions and my efforts to bring my relationships closer. ugh. I have learned that being right is never really a goal to strive for in a relationship. When one learns to let go and truly accept another for all the easy and not so easy then one learns to dispose of the “right ” thought altogether and just focus on the now between the harmony. Dare i say”lesson learned” ?