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50 yard line.

I cannot remember if I made a journal entry days before i turned 50, but even if I had, it all went up in the fire. I was working so hard to finish nursing school that everything else took a back burner. The fire took everything i ever owned pretty much and a few beloved pets. But it also brought with it, I would come to realize later, so many new beginnings. I started a new college towards my BSN, a new job as a brand-new R.N., and new living space close to the land in the woods. New plans have been finalized to build a beautiful new house and all sorts of new beginnings are on the way just three months later. Here I am beginning a second half century and looking forward all this journey has in store for me. I have more dreams I wish to achieve; I would like to pick up more women in my cohort as friends to join me in the journey. There is so much that has not been passed down to women even still. Conversations about who we are and how our bodies and our minds will change, needs to be reborn. I am feeling a calling at 50 to make more connections with kindred spirits who are about to enter this phase of their life and hear the call as well. I cannot focus as well as I want to as I write this, but I was determined to update my blog as an affirmation of my commitment to taking a few moments to share my thoughts and a little piece of my heart in this space. Have you turned 50 yrs.? What have you learned and what would you like to share with those women who come after you? Has your perspective on life changed much? Surely, there will be others out there who have been seeking the same guidance as I. Although, there are only 9 months left in the year but i hope to and bet it will be filled with many big and wonderful things with some good wisdom along the way. Cheers to all the quinquagenarians! Thanks for joining me.

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58 Days ago(True Story)

  Has it  ever happened to you? You are walking along the street in the busy part of town and from around the corner someone enters your view and as they approach you, you feel a zap of electricity just by the sight of them? They turn a corner in their life that day and its as if they enter your life. It feels just like that. My first  class of the semester and of the day. 9:10 a.m. and I am sitting in the chair waiting. From the left side of my peripheral view as if walking around a corner, this tiny woman enters the room and  enters my world in that first glimpse and i am captivated. At first sight. I understand that the mind can play tricks on us but i have no explanation for  the illuminated aura i saw around her. By looking  at her, Even with a gloriously wild pile of black curls atop her  head and nearly an inch of heel  on her boots, she couldn’t possibly be five feet tall. I must admit i was completely attracted to her perfect face and  skin and everything…but it really was something beyond aesthetics that enchanted me. Like the gears in me and my life were moving around as usual, then i encounter the mere presence of some woman I have never seen or met before and this unlocking inside of me occurs. The click clack clicking of an activation of a “something”  perhaps dormant inside me …. nearly audible. I wondered if the same thing happened inside her? A crazy thought but at the same  time how could such an impressive force act upon me and NOT be noticeable by her..by anyone nearby for that matter? Surely someone else felt that? I was sitting near the door and from where she taught the  class i was some distance in the back of the class. It was distracting really because the rest of my classes were ahead of me and I could not stop thinking of  her. Why? How could such an uneventful first day back at school suddenly take such a profound turn? There is no obvious explanation for it.  I do not  remember really anything she said that first day. I could not help but plant myself  in the first and closest seat to her two days later when the class met again. Mostly i pick the closest seat in all my classes because i cannot handle the distraction of whispering classmates. Also, my vision is not the best so i prefer sitting up nearest the projector screen for the clearest view of Power Point presentations and  such.  This has become my set seat. After class had met three or four times It dawned on me that she would be on social media. Turns out we have several friends in common. Being my Art History professor in college i didn’t think she would add me but she did. I feel like I must exercise serious self control to not be myself around her as if i have known her for half my life. Another week or so passes and so I sent her the message ” We must be friends. It is meant to be. But i realize that you are the teacher and i am the grasshopper and so for now i shall remain your biggest fan(did i tell you what  a big fan i am?)huge fan.”  I did not expect a response and of course i did not get one. But it was as if she was suddenly in my everyday. This image of her remained inside my head from the moment i saw her  and was replaced only when I was in her presence. I love history. It is amazing how much more interesting learning about something can be when you find yourself captivated by one teaching the material. I knew i had to not only pace myself but maintain some self control over my impulses to send her messages or emails or anything. At least until after the semester was over. It felt like i had known her and so my mind wanted to interact with her as if i had known her forever.  She was interesting to listen to and usually added a little about herself each time she gave lecture. She had a great sense of humor. I so looked forward to this class every Tuesday and Thursday.  I waited another week or so and sent her another message just so that she might allow my name to stand out in her mind more so than others. It was meant to be funny. How strange it was on another level that suddenly this educator -student dynamic had turned around in my mind, what might be otherwise an awesome meeting of new friends, now making me feel like some  weird stalker. I have never been taken by someone like her. I had no reason to make myself feel like a stalker so i know it was not my doing. If i wasn’t trying to maintain this professional relationship, I would have already asked her to dinner, or a hike or to come see her.Anything. This was dangerously close to fucking with my mind if i spent too much time thinking about it so i just decided that this barrier between us til December was meant to be and enjoy the path i was on none the less.

The powers of  observation are vastly underestimated in today’s world. Most people are so glued to their phones they have given up the act of  taking notice of the rest of the world around them. Millenial’s are already  losing the ability to read typical social cues. Being able to truly pay attention can allow for anyone to gain an upper hand in any given situation. I am a part of the “old school” generation before the days of smartphones  and internet. It comes more naturally to me and so I have gained much by simply allowing my mind to recognize more detail around me  in the world. It doesn’t take much effort for  me  to notice her though. I notice everything about her. Since first meeting her I have learned that she has several jobs and doesn’t seem to sleep. We have both things in common.  She likes to wear mismatch earrings at times. Her middle initial is J and what  it stands for I sure wish i knew. Janelle? Jane? Jean? The first woman i fell in love with had a middle name of Jean. Lisa Jean.  The mind tries to create something when nothing is there  to feed off. For the past two months I  have spent two mornings a week with this exquisite woman and by not interacting with her beyond my student role, my thoughts have taken on a life of their own. Goddess help me.  (to be continued)

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Amoveo

Pula wondered if the gods were right… he wondered all the more if the gods spoke these rules then why will they not speak to him now? Ever since he could remember his people told stories of how gods made all things come to be. Where are the gods now when he has so many unanswered questions? “What is this silence between us?” he often prayed. In the deepest part of the night when even the crickets seem to be in slumber, he prayed this and many things. It seemed no answers ever arrived. A voice maybe? A dream perhaps? Nothing.” If he wasn’t meant to have these answers ,” he wondered. “Then from where did these questions come?”  So much wondering often leads to drowsiness so Pula decided once again to let it go and focus on the trail unfolding in front of him as the day was pressing on and there was no time for a nap.  He sensed an urgency in the pungent forest air around him.  With all of his questions, Pula did have one certainty inside him that burns since he was old enough to remember anything.  His people believed he was born to bring this prophecy to them and they honored his visions though he was not yet 15.  His people knew that young children barely weened from their mother’s breast could not make up stories that seemed to pour from Pula. An old soul, he seemed to possess a knowledge of words far beyond the stage of a three year old child. Bathing with the women of the village he would begin telling them about a day that will come.  “very soon” Pula often spoke.  The women would all stop in unison and silently examine baby Pula.  “What is this the child says?” Grandmother Fia  exclaims. “We must listen to the boy!” she urges everyone to pay attention.  ” soon!” Pula would burst forth as he splashed around the balneae.  “Amoveo”  he would say.Over and over “Amoveo!”.  “What is this amoveo he refers to grandmother Fia?” asked one mother.

     “Fia being a shortened version of the name “sophia” a greek name meaning “wisdom” and “knowledge” True to her name grandmother Fia counseled much “wisdom” over the years throughout the tribe and neighboring villages beyond Haemus Mons of the North. Raised by an herbalist grandmother herself, Fia learned all about the native medicinal plants of the land. She learned to propogate plants in order to travel with them and create tinctures and poultices for every ailment anyone might encounter.  She possessed a medicinal knowledge and a natural born intuition that allowed her to diagnose and treat almost anyone that came across her path. Her name and her insight travelled far across the land and  many times over the years she was summoned (often in the wee hours of the night) for various reasons. One particular snowy evening, as Fia was about to retire for the night there came the sound of a horn blowing  through the trees.  Fia thought it might be just the howling of the winds thrashing through the forest  but the sound was becoming louder and more distinct. Surely she has heard this call before? Stepping back out of her pallet of covers, she hurries to the door to investigate the sound.  Before she can reach the front room where the door is located, an explosion of noise erupts through the front of grandmothers Fia’s home and in rushes a large burly figure covered in snow and ice from head to foot. There was so much snow that Fia could not tell if this was a man or beast. Heavy panting persisted as the massive figure standing before Fia’s small frame tried to catch a better stream of breathing. upon quick examination , Fia noticed there were a pair of large boots sticking out of the cloak and a long snow covered beard dripping melted snow on her head as she sized up the frozen intruder.”May i help you sir?” Fia cautiously spoke. “Who are you and why are you here at this hour?” Still only heavy breathing came forth. ” I cannot help you unless you speak to me” Fia stated. Growing increasingly impatient and more tired from her already arduous day, grandmother Fia was about to begin shouting when the large cloak came down off the shoulders and hit the floor with a heavy thud. Beneath the cloak was a tall bearded man holding a young  woman with child and  heavy with labor pains. Despite her shock Fia immediately reached forward to help the man carry the woman to Fia’s bed across the room and lay her down. “i beg your pardon missus” the man spoke between the heavy pants. ” My young wife is in terrible need of a midwife and i was told you could help us” “I am not a midwife” Fia replied. “You have been misinformed sir” she added. Panic set in across the mans frost bitten face. “Oh but please you must help!” he cried ” I have carried her so far in this snowstorm and i fear i cannot carry her any longer NOR will the baby wait for us to find another shelter! you MUST help!” defeated, he collapsed to his knees and began to stroke his young brides wet hair as beads of sweat poured from her forehead.  From the looks of her, the young woman would not last much longer if Fia did not help her birth this child. Fia nearly jumped up and ran to the cabinet to gather some dry clean cloth. she handed them to the strange man kneeling over her bed and instructed him to grab the pot of water simmering by the fireplace and carry to the bedside. The woman screamed in agony.  Fia recognized  the sounds of danger and quickly raced to the woman with her bag of herbs entow. Inspecting the young woman , fia noticed a tremendous amount of blood flowing from her womb. “You must push with all your might!” yelled Fia. The mother pushes and pushes until Fia notices not a head but little tiny feet appear.  It is too late to do anything about this so Grandmother fia urges the mother to keep pushing with all she has until the tiny baby appears on the blood soaked sheets of Fia’s bed. As fia wipes the baby clean and turns to present the child to his parents, she notices the mother has slipped into unconsciousness. Passing the newborn child to his father , fia rushes to tend to his mother.  After some time she turns to the father and child with a sad expression on her face”i am very sorry but she may hav lost too much blood. There is nothing more i can do.” Fia declares.”We must let her rest”. Taking the infant boy back from the father , fia motions for him  to return to the bedside of his dying wife. “My beloved ” cries the man” the gods have smiled upon our love and blessed us with a beautiful son!” Barely able to speak , the young mother replies” I had a dream my love” “I dreamt i would have a son and he would be a part of a grand prophecy oneday.” “in my dream” she said ” there was much death so i never shared the dream for fear my boy might die.” The man brought the boy to his mothers bedside so she could see him.  “Where are we?”asked the mother in her still small voice. Fia appeared before her just then “You were very brave my dear” said Fia. “another minute lost and you may have had your baby in this storm!” The mother smiled wearily.”who are you?”asked the young mother. “Sophia “replied Fia. “Most people call me grandmother Fia” “and who might you folks be?”fia asked as she placed the newborn boy to his mothers breast “I am Xander and this is my wife Petra.” the man said.”We were seperated from our caravan of people just over the pass”he told Fia. “Then a storm hit and we were forced to find shelter in a cave not far from here.”he added. “i know of the place” said Fia. (She often kept her surplus stored there until spring so she would not have to venture over that pass once the winter arrived)  “You must be far from your people to end up in THAT cave. Fia told Xander. “Its a good thing you found me”. “Well” said Xander ” i am very grateful for your assistance with my wife Madam Fia and i do plan to repay your kindness one day”he told her.” If you would be so kind to let us rest for the night, i shall take my leave with my family at dawn” “Dear me” Fia replied.”your wife is very weak and is in no shape to travel come Dawn  AND this weather is not suitable for travelling with small infants”Fia told him. “Let us all get some sleep and we can figure this out on the morrow.” And with that she found some spare cloth in her chest and handed them to Xander to keep warm.She grabbed the baby and placed him in a basket next to her rocker so the new parents could get a little rest after such a trying turn of events. As she rocked back and forth in that dark little room, she remembered days long ago when Fia herself was young like Petra and married to a dear man from the plains. A war took him from her and after his burial she vowed to hold him in her heart forever but to love noone else ever again.  She found her contentment in caring for the people in her village and the surrounding areas as best she knew how. This became the joy that sustained her. She pondered this as she drifted off to sleep. She woke to the sound of her door slamming closed.  The baby lay sleeping quietly next to his mama but Xander was gone.  A note lay at the foot of her bed with a large horn atop the covers Fia had given Xander only hours earlier that now warmed his sleeping wife and child. Simply put, the note read “I promise to come back for you both” all my love X (to be continued….)

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Dearest Cath

It has been almost three months since we have spoken. I will always believe that our journey together was of a divine nature. I think of you nearly every day at least once. Its surprising to me what my mind chooses to remember and how well it holds onto that “remembering”.  Most of our relationship resides back to the days of my youth. Flashbacks of memory have sustained my love for you. I am continuously curious as to how and why i hold onto you so strongly after all these years?? Who you are has been covered with layers upon layers of a changed life i know little about. Why does this love persist so pervasively inside my heart?  Without effort i seem to cling to the lingering embers of an intense bond we created over 30 years ago. I have noticed there is a part of me that resents how the rest of the world got a piece of you and i did not. There is a magical fire inside you that remains dampered by the banalities of the culture around you. But who am i really to feel so free to have an opinion about your life? It felt so good to have you in my life all those years ago. When the world around us dove headfirst into distraction , we were swimming in a higher thought…or at least the yearning for higher understanding. It’s almost as if we let go of some things without thinking of it by reaching for new things. A deal we agree to from a higher dimension than this earthly place. If only my memory let go so easily. I have found myself questioning whether or not i created you in my mind as an illusion to propel myself forward  during times of great tribulation and trials? My disappointment of an neverending longing to have you here in this life of mine  is my only defense to the releasing of my grip on the stronghold of what we once shared together. Yet here you are in my everyday even now. Perhaps that was the deal we made? Your contract only guaranteed that you would remain in my world only to get me through those dark days? Maybe it is I who needs to accept that this part of the journey does not include you. apparently. You always hated to hear me say this but i surely “miss you so”. Love? Could there be a better word? Is that the best word? How can it be as there are no words to say it best how i feel?  Will i ever share that again with anyone else?  If only i could have a  divine sign to guide me to a better understanding inorder to let you go. Something within me refuses to accept that you are gone from my path. More than anything, i wish to find peace in my heart that this stretch of the road requires you to journey with others. Will they ever open themselves up to realize how beautiful and magical and wise you are? Will you ever be loved better by anyone else? Surely there must be some explanation as to why our paths left such an etching on my very soul? I know you think of me. I feel it. I know you must feel me from where your heart beats. Will i ever see you again? It is not enough to have smoldering coals of the past…. I shall exercise greater patience and trust that our time will come around once again. Until then, i cannot help myself but to love you every day of my life. namaste.

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Dearest Cath……

I dreamt of you last nite. I do not remember any part of it except you were in it. My mind is consumed with thoughts of you. I desperately want you to reconsider the surgery. You do not have breast cancer. Sure BRCA II positive gene adds a little concern for me but not enough to volunteer a double mastectomy. To me, breast cancer is not any more scary than driving on the interstate with all these texting maniacs behind the wheel. Anything that comes out of my mouth is gonna sound like i am trying to talk you out of it. What kind of friend would i be if i were not totally supportive of your choice here to remove both your breast simply because you have a positive gene and your Dad died from breast cancer?? It is not my body so i am out of line to suggest you are being consumed by unnecessary fear. This is one of those moments in a persons life when you are gonna prove what kind of friend you really are.  I would expect you to trust my decision and also to trust that i did not come to my decision lightly. I would need you to support my position. So here i am feeling like i am doing a poor job at playing this role with you. You are so priceless to me that its incredibly hard for me to imagine strangers/doctors cutting off part of your body when you have not been diagnosed with cancer. As awesome as doctors can be , they do not operate mindfully and intentionally. They are brainwashed by the medical industry.  Today’s healthcare system does not even recognize the benefits of alternative medicine or homeopathic remedies for what ails us. You are texting me now and im so emotional right now i want to scream. I am also struggling to not let this affect how i interact with everyone else around me.  I can briefly mention i am heading up North to be with you as you are having surgery but noone around me immediately processes much of this information and to keep this in mind when i am not myself, is just not a common habit in this culture. A less politically correct way of saying might be that they are zombies.  If you elected to change your mind and not have the surgery, then should some unfortunate news of a lump find you in the future you have a high survival rate even with a lumpectomy. You mentioned to me that if something happened to Bruce down the road then you may have to face breast cancer alone. This is so NOT true. It feels to me like you are taking alot of “what-if’s” and picking the worst case scenario’s and creating fear within yourself. Its ok to be afraid. But to let fear control our lives and the choices we make does not serve anyone in a positive manner.  What if you get an infection from the surgery and it attacks your immune system. You have taken so many antibiotics over the years that it will tax your body to the core to expose so much surface area of your chest to germs in the air during the operation. It is equally trying for me to come to terms with the idea that you are so worried about getting deathly sick yet you would have implants put in afterward to reconstruct your breast. The ones you have are perfectly fine. No cancer. just a positive gene presence. Will there ever be words or a way for me to let you know how much i love you to the very core of MY being? I believe ALL things are connected. This places a higher expectation in my mind of doctors to be aware of this and prayerfully operate. But ONLY when every effort to AVOID surgery has been exhausted first! So invasive, To volunteer the transition one goes thru of seeing their body all scarred up, to go through the emotional transition as well as what your husband will face, to put yourself through the pain and the recovery, the synthetic drugs and chemicals that will be used from now until you are healed, to face complications that may arise noone can see right now, all without any diagnosis of cancer to me is mind boggling. My position is to trust in the wholeness i was created to experience. I know you are not me and i am not you. We are so very close it feels as if we are one yet i realize you have a path that does not always include me. Perhaps in your heart but I have seen your beautiful face only once in years. I feel honored that you shared with me this part of your journey. In my selfishness i want you to see that you were designed to live a beautiful and bountiful life. Too many people buy into the notion that its just a part of life to fall apart as you age and expect you will be worse off than you are now. Many systems of faith expect us to believe in the existence of something we do not see and they cannot show us how to truly see this great entity that only they can help you understand but they expect you to carry this faith your whole life no matter how  much it destroys the light inside you YET people as a whole should not expect their bodies to work satisfactorily while they are here? Why are we here? To simply work for someone all day nearly every day until we fall apart and die? It should be ok to ask these questions.  Where did the question itself come from? My brain. Who put it there? Me? Not me. I found the thought but i certainly did not originally create the thought. Or did i? If we can create thought then surely we can envision and sustain through our mindset a vital and healthy life. Noone can foresee accidents that we may find ourselves in and facing injuries can change our whole lives. But if a gene can determine my whole future then i may  as well bury my head in the sand with all the genes my family passed to me.  Dying is a part of living. We are not guaranteed through a test that we will get cancer. But its a definite guarantee that we will all die one day. We will no longer be here. We do not truly know with our human minds where we will go or how it will all take place once we leave our physical bodies. There is much speculation about the moments after death and I have read many incredible stories about experiences that actually happened to people after they died and came back to life. I believe them. But each of their experience are not exactly the same. So noone truly knows how it all really happens until it happens to them. to you. to me. Does this all come down to some underlying fear of dying?  I do wish you would consider my notions on healing ourselves and maintaining a healthy lifestlye and vital life throughout your whole life. Corporate America wants you to feel dependant on their healthcare. Their medicine. Their nursing homes.  Their is a way to prevent the need for regular long term healthcare. Its great to have it but its  not great to be so imbedded into it that your whole life is dependent on the medical world to keep you healthy. I am not suggesting my most beloved friend that you think this way. I just feel it is once again like the power of :”The Nothing” sweeping over the land . We are wiped out if we no longer think for ourselves or feel we can trust ourselves to maintain our own vitality. That is what a doctor should be there for. To prescribe proper diet adjustments for each symptom, or suggest links between issues goin on in ones life being linked to physical conditions, to offer the best opportunity and regimen to reach the best healing attainable. NO . Most doctors prescribe foreign meds they do not know much about as a solution to coping with different symptoms of illness. It is never about healing anymore to the medical establishment. How can so many people blindly trust people they do not even really know with their physical health and wellbeing? Again, i am not talking of this to accuse you. of any lack of careful consideration on your part. I am selfish where you are concerned and i want you to live forever. I will come up in ten days to be there with you. I hate that this is happening but i want to be there with you to pray over you and love you for a minute before i go back to my busy life hundreds of miles away. And spend another many years missing you and thinking of you and blogging to noone…as always talking to myself. Please do not have this surgery.  You said that you have a peace about this that you cannot explain. If i said that to you i would truly expect you to trust in this . So i have remorse for my struggle as it appears i do not have peace and i should simply because you do. I want to.  I am sorry that i am not more evolved than i could be for you.  I again learn great medicine from you beautiful woman. So i will honor you by giving my best effort towards trust that all things happen as they will and we can only allow ourselves to be ok with whatever “is”. My gift to you is that i am going to be ok as i know you would be for me, Tiquiero mucho .

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Adventures in the land of the muggles…..

Against my personal convictions, I recently enrolled my two youngest daughters in public school. They had been homeschooled by me the previous school year.  I think i need to start back a little before this to better paint the picture. I used to live in a county an hour east of where i live now. But a new marriage brought my new home here to the city.  My girls had been attending a school system since elementary school in this county.  I was their momma and felt that they should come live with me fulltime (though we had equal custody..a whole other story)and go to school near my home.  I had all girls and it had been a battle dealing with my ex in regards to the needs of three girls. Especially needs he saw of no importance.  He is a highly critical and pessimistic individual. This made it hard for my girls to talk to him and get things they needed.  Deodorant is a need in this culture we live in but it is heavily laden with chemicals(the big culprit of alzheimers disease is Alum, aluminum) and he and i both had strong opinions against that stuff for the girls.  The all natural aluminum free kind is much more expensive and with three daughters and myself using (Bobo wasn’t old enough yet but soon would be)the product its outrageous to keep in stock let alone sanitary napkins and such. He wouldn’t get them any for a long time so i was left to buy extra to send with them. Stocking two homes takes nearly an extra income to just keep up with girly needs if you can only imagine. We go the all natural route as much as possible but the cost is enormous.  I digress. With constant little battles about this stuff continuously going on its understandable why Bobo and Lala wanted to live with me. His intense efforts to avoid any child support costs  kept him fervently antagonistic about them moving schools. Our eldest daughter was already graduated high school and working towards college. Where she lived was her choice. Lala was in high school and it was understood that a court would recognize her as old enough to decide where she wanted to live. She felt in the middle. I didn’t want her to feel like that so i tried my best to let her make the choice on her own feeling no anxiety about me regarding her decision.  But being an hour away , i would not be able to see her very often. She hated that school and begged me to take her out but she felt like she was choosing between parents who she had spent equal time with most her life.  She has a big heart and though she hated being around him most of  the time also, she loved him and didn’t want him to be alone.  Amelia being much younger was the final factor. Ultimately, we settled out of court in order to keep the courts from seperating me from my children (judge was giving ex favor for keeping kids in same county school system as they had been there for so long regardless of what my girls wanted)and i agreed that Bella could stay there fulltime and go to school there and Amelia would come with me and we would get them time to spend together when we could. The ex would not allow me to put them in public schools if i wanted to settle because he had his mind set that the school system was much more violent and badly managed because we lived in the city. Well the school system we were moving from made more teen moms and alcoholics than they made college students and its still booming epidemic.  He knew the school had let us down where our daughter had been but he would stop at nothing to set up a lifestyle of total convenience for himself rather than hear the heart of our middle child and how unhappy she was in this school. So Lala stayed in the high school she started in and little bit was put in an overpriced Montessori school halfway between both our homes.   I was far more emotional about it than anyone and i felt more unheard and misunderstood than i had in a long time.  But i put my best foot forward and tried to approach it with strength and optimism.  As time went by Lala realized she should have chosen to come with us. Daily her father would make rude inappropriate remarks about her substandard fitness level(in his eyes) or he would hurl harsh criticism at her when she tried to vent about her tough day. He lived much closer and had a better chance to go to the school and speak on Lala’s behalf but he continuously told her to take it like a man and buckup.   The Montessori school was a good school but it was not without its faults as well. Very very expensives with constant fees for fieldtrips out of state and camping with the whole school etc etc. as well as a breeding ground for wealthier spoiled rotten kids who couldn’t be made to mind because their parents were paying customers. Bobo was hitting puberty full on and suddenly encountered acne and needed deodorant now also. Using the natural variety can require you reapply it once more in the middle of your day. Being little and new to this puberty thing Bobo  didn’t always remember to reapply at lunch.  One of the kids starting taunting her about it and making fun of her acne. Other kids had their  issues also but again it seemed that the school would go to great lengths to massage everyone so as not to lose business. Ultimately, Bobo was made to just put up with it. I found out later their was this huge rumor by all the students that two of the teachers were having an affair together and using school fieldtrips to have their rendezvous time together. They were even caught by students alone together late at night in a hotel pool on one particular weeklong travel adventure.  The female teacher was supposed to be the adult guardian in my daughters room and when she disappeared my daughter and her friends went looking for her.  blah blah blah. The total bill for one years tuition minus fieldtrips and camp and stuff came to $13,000.00 and between both schools who were by law given the right to keep my children for 8 hours everyday yet doing a crappy job at truly educating them(other than the cruel and unjust side of things or people) I knew i could do at least a job good as or better than these schools and it wouldn’t cost me 13 grand to accomplish it. I had to think of something that would work so that i could advocate for Lala’s behalf regarding the issues with that rotten school as well as make it feasable for my ex to be open to it. He was easy to anger and once furled up i knew he wouldn’t be eager to work at a change at all.  Bobo was up til midnight doing homework every single night and grew quickly disenchanted with such a heavy workload all year and wanted a change. She liked some aspects about the school and loved the unique things this private school offered but she wanted out. My new husband and I had been footing the entire bill on this school and with two daughters entering college the next fall , even with his decent income we didn’t know where the money would come from.  Still sharing custody(lawyers fees became the deciding factor in our settling out of court though i wish i had been able to get primary with child support straight from the beginning) the best option i saw was homeschooling them(many new programs for online school and now TN has an online public school program) where we could split the time , the commute, everything right down the middle. Lala would be happy and Bobo could have a less aggressive approach to the homework load. I cannot remember how I managed to get this accomplished but somehow my ex felt it was a good idea too and agreed that we pull the girls and homeschool. Often, depending on his mood that day, he spoke of his disdain for much of the crazy priorities of this society as well as the poor morale and the poor examples of professionalism in the school my daughter did go to. HOWEVER, soon after we began teaching the girls at home he changed his mind and began tormenting them about how they will not amount to anything and will learn anything…..He was especially hard on Lala. She is built thick and voluptuous unlike my other two girls and myself who are petite and thin. She is absolutely beautiful. Her face, her eyes, her incredible spirit and sense of humor…even her name. She is highly artisistic and driven. Being a music man his whole life ,one would expect her Father to appreciate all her artistic qualities.she was in band and had a fantastic ability to draw, create nearly anything. She had a perfect 4.0 and perfect 100 percent track record until her last school (her art teacher bullied her and gave her a grade to ruin her perfect grades though we felt it was completely undeserved.) Nothing she could do would please her daddy because appearance were everything in his family and they also had issues with her regarding her solid physique and if they wouldnt completely accept her than he surely could not. He was still trying to gain their approval himself. she was more of a reason why he felt he couldn’t get the approval he desired from them. That is my guess anyway. I would try to talk to her as often as i could over the phone. What seemed to bother her most is missing her momma and being in our positive fun atmosphere. It was hard for her to hear that we would get snowed in and go tromping off on long hikes through our woods in the snow with boda bags filled with hot chocolate and returning half frozen to a toasty fire in the woodstove and homemade food and movies…or we would go out to dinner every now and then. Her little sister Bobo would get to go out with my friends for pizza and such or the friends of ours that Lala adored would visit regularly and she was never here to enjoy their company. His house had no life in it. He kept it cold and it was quiet and empty most of the time and he rarely had friends over.   She LOVED homeschool and was excited about possibly getting snowed in and all the fun things we would do that fall. Even though he began a long school year of  scathing remarks and negative comments , Lala was happy. Bobo was as well. The truth is  noone supported us except a few of my friends who didnt come around the house real often. My new husband nor my exhusband could be bothered to help with homework . They both had math skills that soared above mine but never offered any assistance once.  My husband would come home and ask me how much homeschool we did. My inlaws would visit and question me as if they were also concerned if my girls were getting a proper education.  My life was so busy and i was burning the candle at both ends and tired of all the hurt feelings Lala had to work through (i was the only one that would listen to her) and just completely exhausted with the rest of the demands of my life so i relented. I devised a plan with Lala that if noone would help us or support us and everyone wanted to be this way then we would talk of public school only if Lala was given an awesome graduation party by her Daddy. She knew i would give her one. What she wanted more than anything was to travel the world. She wanted out. She was sick of her Daddy always saying how he may never get to see any of his children walk down the graduation aisle. He laid it on thick of his disappointment( our eldest got pregnant as a teen and graduated a semester early so they would let her walk the graduation ceremony) as if it didn’t hold as much value if she were to go through the exact same ceremony only through her homeschool based out of Chattanooga. He was there and saw the elaborate event our eldest daughter experienced when she graduated kindergarten through homeschool. The ceremony was held at the Opryland Hotel in Nashville. I have never seen a high school graduation ceremony that glamorous.  Anyway,  the only way to quiet his mouth was to talk Lala into trying public school for her final year and graduation. Bobo had an increasingly hard time getting up during the day when homeschooled from staying up too late at night. Her studies were suffering and she made the choice to return to school as well because she felt if she were made to sit in a desk all day she would have no choice but to focus on her studies. She had deduced on her own that self motivation and a more lax school atmsophere were beyond her at that time.   I told Lala that though she was going to a new school system in a new city that there was still good things waiting inside every challenge. With a positive attitude she could be anywhere and still be joyful. It was up to her. I let her know if she decided she could not take it any longer and wanted out that we would let her leave school. If everyone wanted to give us a hard time for this we would make them pay by throwing her a big party and by playing their game , Lala would be able to take her graduation money and go to Latvia or Sweden or where she wanted . Even if for a few weeks or the summer she could get out of the country . Enter: Lala /Senior Year/ public high school. omfg. What a headache. This is the part of my story where the adventure really begins. (in the next post though cause i have a client in an hour :)) (I swear though the way Lala tells her tales of each day would win contests if she were to blog about it. Hilarious.) til next time