I called this post “Becoming RN” because i had hoped to start it way back when i was beginning my prerequesites for nursing school, then i had truly hoped to start it as i was on summer break and preparing for fall classes and studying , and then again when i had graduated and became a licensed registered nurse. That was just over one year ago and here i am only now making real effort. So much has changed in my mind from the beginning of nursing school until now. I am still amazed that i actually graduated school and was going to be able to sit for the national boards, that still feels amazing to me. I often find myself thinking about how stressful it was just a year ago to remember all the medications for all the things that ail people and now i can look at any patient medication profile and tell you what is going on with them simply by looking at what things they are taking. I think about how i tortured myself to remember soo much and here i am carrying so much more knowledge and experience my mind could not comprehend just a year ago. Everything seemed like it was an emergency as a nursing student. A year later, you calm down naturally once you learn that people can have all sorts of crazy vital sign readings or lab results and still be alive lol.Not everything is an emergency once you realize this as a new nurse, you become much more calm, I did anyway.The truth is, you often hear that you really only begin to learn to how to become a nurse once you pass NCLEX and get a job working as a nurse, THAT’S where it begins. In nursing school, the pressure of only being able to fail out once adds enormous stress to the challenge of being a nursing student. This is one of those gazillion times when you need your mother. I knew i was not going to have that option and i was determined to become a nurse, but i felt it worthy to put place that comment in here because its how life runs through my head. Instead of saying to myself ” I want my mother” its more like “I wish i had a mother to turn to in times like these.” Like a program constantly running and updating in the background of your phone, not having a mother in your life…that absence is everpresent and profound, even at my age.

Within one year of becoming an RN, i went through multiple jobs and I see from so many sides this national (and international) seachange of what bedside nursing looks like in todays world. There is much you do not get to see or understand about nursing and healthcare in general until you are swimming in it up to your eyeballs. I let it get to me quickly and even though i knew from school and the constant headlines in the news, the shock of the nursing field is more than anyone can truly prepare you for, i still felt like the reality of it all hit me like a curveball i did not see coming. The first 3 months of nursing where a whirlwind of long hours on your feet learning a computer system and all the protocols for the unit you are working on in a hospital. I was on 8 in Oncology. Only it wasnt exactly Oncology. And what i learned most in those 3 months were that you never see them or talk to them but corporate is always in charge over actual nursing care. In 12 short weeks i was carrying a nursing assignment too large for any one nurse, especially a brand new nurse. There were never enough supplies to actually DO your job , You are just another RN to fill in a slot and you will work with a broken system and very small number in your team and there is nooone person you can turn to solve the problems driving countless nurses out of the field altogether. There is not enought time and therefore as a nurse you will only set yourself back if you attempt to slow down enough to actually care or show any caring towards the patient. One of the most eye opening experiences was how quickly and how often you put your nursing license on the line just to get through your day. What i learned also is that someone or something literally sucked all the spirit out of human health and healthcare in general. You can tell that nursing is in a major shift at this time and it does not appear that all this “change” is letting up anytime soon. It is not about caring for the individual. It is definately not about a holistic approach to promote healing in the individual either. I find myself trying to hold on for the ride. But unless i turn a blind eye to all the madness , i know i am NOT gonna make it as a nurse, or at least find it difficult to stay in any one place.

My first official day on the floor, being supervised by my preceptor, I was told to go get the 9a.m. meds for the patient i was in charge of that day. The main medroom did not have any methadone so i went to the back medroom and used my biometrics to access the system. In a sudden frenzy, the other nurse bursts into the medroom and is loud and pushy asking what is taking me so long to get the meds? Before i can even respond, he pushes himself in front of me and grabs the meds out of the tray, counts them, closes the drawer, wastes half a pill and hands me the methodone tablets then proceeds to log me out of the system so that he can access it for HIS patient, He was rude and dismissive but i just left and gave meds to my patient. The next morning, there was a slip from the pharmacy with a descrepency related to my nurse login. My preceptor said its no big deal and we can fix it easily. We walk into the breakroom where the nurse manager was and when she read the note , she simply said in her loud matter of fact voice, “Now thats a quick way to lose your license!” She did NOT even bother to ask me about the incident, she gave no opportunity for discussion, she just blurted out her comment and dismissed me. I wasnt expecting a welcome party when i came onboard that unit as a nurse, but mere days into the experience i was already getting threatened.

And the patients. The high acuity of sick Americans at this time in the world is astounding. What is worse though is trying to care for 8-10 or them after they have sat in an ER department for 12 plus hours before being placed into your care and then they realize they were sent to the Oncology unit and really freak out thinking they have cancer. When i entered the workflow of this hospital it was just after the worst of Covid and we were the very first graduates of COVID nursing school since the pandemic began and after the mass exodus of nurses from every hospital in America. Having one CNA (not certified though because then you would have to pay them more for being certified) to work any unit in the hospital was a lucky break. And if you have only one then you really have none because they are so busy answering call lights they cannot really help you with nursing care. There is no cohesiveness between the ER sending patients to the units and the units themselves. And donot get me started on the poor quality of food being served in hospitals. Sick or injured people should not being eating slop while they are being treated for severe health conditions or injuries. Its insulting to see what American hospitals serve their patients to eat. The entire medical system as they are being run today are setup to fail. If that is the case, then it is no surprise why so many nurses are leaving the industry altogether. I just got here and i am being run out as well. 12 hour days are NEVER 12 hour days unless the hospital suddenly needs to stop overtime then they are like dictators when it comes to the time clock, otherwise, they work you beyond what your body should be expected, like a slave dog. I left the hospital 4 months in and i have no regrets. I am still a nurse though and shall keep pressing forward until i find my spot. This is my journey.