Has it ever happened to you? You are walking along the street in the busy part of town and from around the corner someone enters your view and as they approach you, you feel a zap of electricity just by the sight of them? They turn a corner in their life that day and its as if they enter your life. It feels just like that. My first class of the semester and of the day. 9:10 a.m. and I am sitting in the chair waiting. From the left side of my peripheral view as if walking around a corner, this tiny woman enters the room and enters my world in that first glimpse and i am captivated. At first sight. I understand that the mind can play tricks on us but i have no explanation for the illuminated aura i saw around her. By looking at her, Even with a gloriously wild pile of black curls atop her head and nearly an inch of heel on her boots, she couldn’t possibly be five feet tall. I must admit i was completely attracted to her perfect face and skin and everything…but it really was something beyond aesthetics that enchanted me. Like the gears in me and my life were moving around as usual, then i encounter the mere presence of some woman I have never seen or met before and this unlocking inside of me occurs. The click clack clicking of an activation of a “something” perhaps dormant inside me …. nearly audible. I wondered if the same thing happened inside her? A crazy thought but at the same time how could such an impressive force act upon me and NOT be noticeable by her..by anyone nearby for that matter? Surely someone else felt that? I was sitting near the door and from where she taught the class i was some distance in the back of the class. It was distracting really because the rest of my classes were ahead of me and I could not stop thinking of her. Why? How could such an uneventful first day back at school suddenly take such a profound turn? There is no obvious explanation for it. I do not remember really anything she said that first day. I could not help but plant myself in the first and closest seat to her two days later when the class met again. Mostly i pick the closest seat in all my classes because i cannot handle the distraction of whispering classmates. Also, my vision is not the best so i prefer sitting up nearest the projector screen for the clearest view of Power Point presentations and such. This has become my set seat. After class had met three or four times It dawned on me that she would be on social media. Turns out we have several friends in common. Being my Art History professor in college i didn’t think she would add me but she did. I feel like I must exercise serious self control to not be myself around her as if i have known her for half my life. Another week or so passes and so I sent her the message ” We must be friends. It is meant to be. But i realize that you are the teacher and i am the grasshopper and so for now i shall remain your biggest fan(did i tell you what a big fan i am?)huge fan.” I did not expect a response and of course i did not get one. But it was as if she was suddenly in my everyday. This image of her remained inside my head from the moment i saw her and was replaced only when I was in her presence. I love history. It is amazing how much more interesting learning about something can be when you find yourself captivated by one teaching the material. I knew i had to not only pace myself but maintain some self control over my impulses to send her messages or emails or anything. At least until after the semester was over. It felt like i had known her and so my mind wanted to interact with her as if i had known her forever. She was interesting to listen to and usually added a little about herself each time she gave lecture. She had a great sense of humor. I so looked forward to this class every Tuesday and Thursday. I waited another week or so and sent her another message just so that she might allow my name to stand out in her mind more so than others. It was meant to be funny. How strange it was on another level that suddenly this educator -student dynamic had turned around in my mind, what might be otherwise an awesome meeting of new friends, now making me feel like some weird stalker. I have never been taken by someone like her. I had no reason to make myself feel like a stalker so i know it was not my doing. If i wasn’t trying to maintain this professional relationship, I would have already asked her to dinner, or a hike or to come see her.Anything. This was dangerously close to fucking with my mind if i spent too much time thinking about it so i just decided that this barrier between us til December was meant to be and enjoy the path i was on none the less.
The powers of observation are vastly underestimated in today’s world. Most people are so glued to their phones they have given up the act of taking notice of the rest of the world around them. Millenial’s are already losing the ability to read typical social cues. Being able to truly pay attention can allow for anyone to gain an upper hand in any given situation. I am a part of the “old school” generation before the days of smartphones and internet. It comes more naturally to me and so I have gained much by simply allowing my mind to recognize more detail around me in the world. It doesn’t take much effort for me to notice her though. I notice everything about her. Since first meeting her I have learned that she has several jobs and doesn’t seem to sleep. We have both things in common. She likes to wear mismatch earrings at times. Her middle initial is J and what it stands for I sure wish i knew. Janelle? Jane? Jean? The first woman i fell in love with had a middle name of Jean. Lisa Jean. The mind tries to create something when nothing is there to feed off. For the past two months I have spent two mornings a week with this exquisite woman and by not interacting with her beyond my student role, my thoughts have taken on a life of their own. Goddess help me. (to be continued)
It has been almost three months since we have spoken. I will always believe that our journey together was of a divine nature. I think of you nearly every day at least once. Its surprising to me what my mind chooses to remember and how well it holds onto that “remembering”. Most of our relationship resides back to the days of my youth. Flashbacks of memory have sustained my love for you. I am continuously curious as to how and why i hold onto you so strongly after all these years?? Who you are has been covered with layers upon layers of a changed life i know little about. Why does this love persist so pervasively inside my heart? Without effort i seem to cling to the lingering embers of an intense bond we created over 30 years ago. I have noticed there is a part of me that resents how the rest of the world got a piece of you and i did not. There is a magical fire inside you that remains dampered by the banalities of the culture around you. But who am i really to feel so free to have an opinion about your life? It felt so good to have you in my life all those years ago. When the world around us dove headfirst into distraction , we were swimming in a higher thought…or at least the yearning for higher understanding. It’s almost as if we let go of some things without thinking of it by reaching for new things. A deal we agree to from a higher dimension than this earthly place. If only my memory let go so easily. I have found myself questioning whether or not i created you in my mind as an illusion to propel myself forward during times of great tribulation and trials? My disappointment of an neverending longing to have you here in this life of mine is my only defense to the releasing of my grip on the stronghold of what we once shared together. Yet here you are in my everyday even now. Perhaps that was the deal we made? Your contract only guaranteed that you would remain in my world only to get me through those dark days? Maybe it is I who needs to accept that this part of the journey does not include you. apparently. You always hated to hear me say this but i surely “miss you so”. Love? Could there be a better word? Is that the best word? How can it be as there are no words to say it best how i feel? Will i ever share that again with anyone else? If only i could have a divine sign to guide me to a better understanding inorder to let you go. Something within me refuses to accept that you are gone from my path. More than anything, i wish to find peace in my heart that this stretch of the road requires you to journey with others. Will they ever open themselves up to realize how beautiful and magical and wise you are? Will you ever be loved better by anyone else? Surely there must be some explanation as to why our paths left such an etching on my very soul? I know you think of me. I feel it. I know you must feel me from where your heart beats. Will i ever see you again? It is not enough to have smoldering coals of the past…. I shall exercise greater patience and trust that our time will come around once again. Until then, i cannot help myself but to love you every day of my life. namaste.
We have once again returned to new beginnings on the Native American medicine wheel. Just as the sun rises from the East each day….. Our new beginning on this cyclical journey called “Life” opens each of us up to new ideas, new relationships, new passions. I feel the excitement of the impending newness of my journey. Something from within me bursts forth with eagerness and great anticipation of things about to unfold ; some of them yet unwritten.
Next week I begin my “Master Gardening” program at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville. Working soil and growing things offers me so much peace of mind and joy. From this program i will be volunteering in various area of gardening around my community. New friends to be met who share my passion for gardening…. New connections with my local area will most definately bring me more exciting projects and discoveries about myself and this beautiful world around me. More chances to work outdoors… A great understanding and honing of current skills only adding more quality to my already blessed life!
I believe that 2015 will offer new adventures with our recycled wood business DharmaWood. Our website should be up and running soon and we have new festivals and art events to show our work. I am feeling the urge to stretch myself to learn more regarding woodcraft. New useful and beautiful products for our life that promote the art of recycling, upcycling, repurposing , etc.
I do hope to run just ONE more marathon this year. I have said many times that “this will be my last marathon” yet i feel the need to push beyond and challenge myself as another cycle closes and a new one opens. Running is a meditation in itself as you spend great amounts of time on distance courses with only yourself and maybe a playlist of music or the sounds of the world around you to keep you company. Its guaranteed time for “me”. Guaranteed time absent of obligation to others. I always gain so much strength and perseverance throughout my training.
A renewed spirit behind my passion for writing wells up from a place inside me i cannot describe. Dancing through pages of words that connect the world together with emotion, understanding, discovery, inspiration makes me feel like im growing brighter and more full as i soar along this magical carpet ride.Expression. The art of sharing one’s heart through words, the humbling act of making oneself vulnerable through the revealing of the secrets inside us ….it adds to the magic of connection, making room for stronger vibrations to the goodness of life in all of us. It all amazes me still after all these years.
New ambitions yet to be imagined by you and by me for that one spark to ignite life forth from the place of endless possibilities brings me goosebumps upon the thought! All things arise from thought. Thought is connected to all we feel. And so the circle goes on.
I myself accept the challenge of embracing all new beginnings carved out especially for me and invite others to consider the challenge as well! A clear , blank canvas stands before us all here at this place of New beginnings. We begin however we choose and imagine whatever we like! Every color, every shade is free for the taking so that we may paint our world as unimaginable as we can imagine! Cheers to 2015 and all of its unfolding! Cheers to your “New Beginnings” and mine. 🙂
My one thing is to be able to let it all go right here! Noone has FORCED me neglect my choice for solace. I have chosen to put everything in front of my desires to sit and express. However can this student ever get anywhere if I refuse to get out of the gate? I notice that i have grown a bit too cynical at times and its not my preferred way:) Getting stuck in such a place can make it all to easy to neglect time for yourself. Never give up. truly. Who am i talking to? me? or you? I figure I am talking to myself and this has strangely made it easier for me to release anything. I have resolved to put forth much more effort to taking a few moments to gift myself this little peace. Please do not ever take anything i say or anyone else ever says TOO seriously…after all , its only a passing glance of the big picture. Of all i might think to say about a new year on the new moon…….i mostly wish to express that i am paying more attention now and i delight in all that i am about to enjoy! I have been all over the place it seems this past year and i am now learning to stand still and listen more. It is ok to be good to YOU!!
Is this my answered prayer? Your surgery being moved back a few more weeks. I did not pray for your cold although I think that was Goddess showing a bit of humor….Just Kidding. (kind of)