58 Days ago(True Story)

  Has it  ever happened to you? You are walking along the street in the busy part of town and from around the corner someone enters your view and as they approach you, you feel a zap of electricity just by the sight of them? They turn a corner in their life that day and its as if they enter your life. It feels just like that. My first  class of the semester and of the day. 9:10 a.m. and I am sitting in the chair waiting. From the left side of my peripheral view as if walking around a corner, this tiny woman enters the room and  enters my world in that first glimpse and i am captivated. At first sight. I understand that the mind can play tricks on us but i have no explanation for  the illuminated aura i saw around her. By looking  at her, Even with a gloriously wild pile of black curls atop her  head and nearly an inch of heel  on her boots, she couldn’t possibly be five feet tall. I must admit i was completely attracted to her perfect face and  skin and everything…but it really was something beyond aesthetics that enchanted me. Like the gears in me and my life were moving around as usual, then i encounter the mere presence of some woman I have never seen or met before and this unlocking inside of me occurs. The click clack clicking of an activation of a “something”  perhaps dormant inside me …. nearly audible. I wondered if the same thing happened inside her? A crazy thought but at the same  time how could such an impressive force act upon me and NOT be noticeable by her..by anyone nearby for that matter? Surely someone else felt that? I was sitting near the door and from where she taught the  class i was some distance in the back of the class. It was distracting really because the rest of my classes were ahead of me and I could not stop thinking of  her. Why? How could such an uneventful first day back at school suddenly take such a profound turn? There is no obvious explanation for it.  I do not  remember really anything she said that first day. I could not help but plant myself  in the first and closest seat to her two days later when the class met again. Mostly i pick the closest seat in all my classes because i cannot handle the distraction of whispering classmates. Also, my vision is not the best so i prefer sitting up nearest the projector screen for the clearest view of Power Point presentations and  such.  This has become my set seat. After class had met three or four times It dawned on me that she would be on social media. Turns out we have several friends in common. Being my Art History professor in college i didn’t think she would add me but she did. I feel like I must exercise serious self control to not be myself around her as if i have known her for half my life. Another week or so passes and so I sent her the message ” We must be friends. It is meant to be. But i realize that you are the teacher and i am the grasshopper and so for now i shall remain your biggest fan(did i tell you what  a big fan i am?)huge fan.”  I did not expect a response and of course i did not get one. But it was as if she was suddenly in my everyday. This image of her remained inside my head from the moment i saw her  and was replaced only when I was in her presence. I love history. It is amazing how much more interesting learning about something can be when you find yourself captivated by one teaching the material. I knew i had to not only pace myself but maintain some self control over my impulses to send her messages or emails or anything. At least until after the semester was over. It felt like i had known her and so my mind wanted to interact with her as if i had known her forever.  She was interesting to listen to and usually added a little about herself each time she gave lecture. She had a great sense of humor. I so looked forward to this class every Tuesday and Thursday.  I waited another week or so and sent her another message just so that she might allow my name to stand out in her mind more so than others. It was meant to be funny. How strange it was on another level that suddenly this educator -student dynamic had turned around in my mind, what might be otherwise an awesome meeting of new friends, now making me feel like some  weird stalker. I have never been taken by someone like her. I had no reason to make myself feel like a stalker so i know it was not my doing. If i wasn’t trying to maintain this professional relationship, I would have already asked her to dinner, or a hike or to come see her.Anything. This was dangerously close to fucking with my mind if i spent too much time thinking about it so i just decided that this barrier between us til December was meant to be and enjoy the path i was on none the less.

The powers of  observation are vastly underestimated in today’s world. Most people are so glued to their phones they have given up the act of  taking notice of the rest of the world around them. Millenial’s are already  losing the ability to read typical social cues. Being able to truly pay attention can allow for anyone to gain an upper hand in any given situation. I am a part of the “old school” generation before the days of smartphones  and internet. It comes more naturally to me and so I have gained much by simply allowing my mind to recognize more detail around me  in the world. It doesn’t take much effort for  me  to notice her though. I notice everything about her. Since first meeting her I have learned that she has several jobs and doesn’t seem to sleep. We have both things in common.  She likes to wear mismatch earrings at times. Her middle initial is J and what  it stands for I sure wish i knew. Janelle? Jane? Jean? The first woman i fell in love with had a middle name of Jean. Lisa Jean.  The mind tries to create something when nothing is there  to feed off. For the past two months I  have spent two mornings a week with this exquisite woman and by not interacting with her beyond my student role, my thoughts have taken on a life of their own. Goddess help me.  (to be continued)

Dearest Cath

It has been almost three months since we have spoken. I will always believe that our journey together was of a divine nature. I think of you nearly every day at least once. Its surprising to me what my mind chooses to remember and how well it holds onto that “remembering”.  Most of our relationship resides back to the days of my youth. Flashbacks of memory have sustained my love for you. I am continuously curious as to how and why i hold onto you so strongly after all these years?? Who you are has been covered with layers upon layers of a changed life i know little about. Why does this love persist so pervasively inside my heart?  Without effort i seem to cling to the lingering embers of an intense bond we created over 30 years ago. I have noticed there is a part of me that resents how the rest of the world got a piece of you and i did not. There is a magical fire inside you that remains dampered by the banalities of the culture around you. But who am i really to feel so free to have an opinion about your life? It felt so good to have you in my life all those years ago. When the world around us dove headfirst into distraction , we were swimming in a higher thought…or at least the yearning for higher understanding. It’s almost as if we let go of some things without thinking of it by reaching for new things. A deal we agree to from a higher dimension than this earthly place. If only my memory let go so easily. I have found myself questioning whether or not i created you in my mind as an illusion to propel myself forward  during times of great tribulation and trials? My disappointment of an neverending longing to have you here in this life of mine  is my only defense to the releasing of my grip on the stronghold of what we once shared together. Yet here you are in my everyday even now. Perhaps that was the deal we made? Your contract only guaranteed that you would remain in my world only to get me through those dark days? Maybe it is I who needs to accept that this part of the journey does not include you. apparently. You always hated to hear me say this but i surely “miss you so”. Love? Could there be a better word? Is that the best word? How can it be as there are no words to say it best how i feel?  Will i ever share that again with anyone else?  If only i could have a  divine sign to guide me to a better understanding inorder to let you go. Something within me refuses to accept that you are gone from my path. More than anything, i wish to find peace in my heart that this stretch of the road requires you to journey with others. Will they ever open themselves up to realize how beautiful and magical and wise you are? Will you ever be loved better by anyone else? Surely there must be some explanation as to why our paths left such an etching on my very soul? I know you think of me. I feel it. I know you must feel me from where your heart beats. Will i ever see you again? It is not enough to have smoldering coals of the past…. I shall exercise greater patience and trust that our time will come around once again. Until then, i cannot help myself but to love you every day of my life. namaste.

Rising from the East

We have once again returned to new beginnings on the Native American medicine wheel. Just as the sun rises from the East each day….. Our new beginning on this cyclical journey called “Life” opens each of us up to new ideas, new relationships, new passions. I feel the excitement of the impending newness of my journey. Something from within me bursts forth with eagerness and great anticipation of things about to unfold ; some of them yet unwritten.

Next week I begin my “Master Gardening” program at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville. Working soil and growing things offers me so much peace of mind and joy.  From this program i will be volunteering in various area of gardening around my community. New friends to be met who share my passion for gardening…. New connections with my local area will most definately bring me more exciting projects and discoveries about myself and this beautiful world around me. More chances to work outdoors… A great understanding and honing of current skills only adding more quality to my already blessed life!

I believe that 2015 will offer new adventures with our recycled wood business DharmaWood. Our website should be up and running soon and we have new festivals and art events to show our work. I am feeling the urge to stretch myself to learn more regarding woodcraft.  New useful and beautiful products for our life that promote the art of recycling, upcycling, repurposing , etc.

I do hope to run just ONE more marathon this year.  I have said many times that “this will be my last marathon” yet i feel the need to push beyond and challenge myself as another cycle closes and a new one opens. Running is a meditation in itself as you spend great amounts of time on distance courses with only yourself and maybe a playlist of music or the sounds of the world around you to keep  you company. Its guaranteed time for “me”. Guaranteed time absent of obligation to others. I always gain so much strength and perseverance throughout my training.

A renewed spirit behind my passion for writing wells up from a place inside me i cannot describe.  Dancing through pages of words that connect the world together with emotion, understanding, discovery, inspiration makes me feel like im growing brighter and more full as i soar along this magical carpet ride.Expression. The art of sharing one’s heart through words, the humbling act of making oneself vulnerable through the revealing of the secrets inside us ….it adds to the magic of connection, making room for stronger vibrations to the goodness of life in all of us. It all amazes me still after all these years.

New ambitions yet to be imagined by you and by me for that one spark to ignite life forth from the place of endless possibilities brings me goosebumps upon the thought! All things arise from thought. Thought is connected to all we feel. And so the circle goes on.

I myself accept the challenge of embracing all new beginnings carved out especially for me and invite others to consider the challenge as well! A clear , blank canvas stands before us all here at this place of New beginnings. We begin however we choose and imagine whatever we like! Every color, every shade is free for the taking so that we may paint our world as unimaginable as we can imagine! Cheers to 2015 and all of its unfolding! Cheers to your “New Beginnings” and mine. 🙂

Where in the heck have you been??

My one thing is to be able to let it all go right here! Noone has FORCED me neglect my choice for solace. I have chosen to put everything in front of my desires to sit and express.  However can this student ever get anywhere if I refuse to get out of the gate? I notice that i have grown a bit too cynical at times and its not my preferred way:) Getting stuck in such a place can make it all to easy to neglect time for yourself. Never give up. truly. Who am i talking to? me? or you? I figure I am talking to myself and this has strangely made it easier for me to release anything. I have resolved to put forth much more effort to taking a few moments to gift myself this little peace. Please do not ever take anything i say or anyone else ever says TOO seriously…after all , its only a passing glance of the big picture. Of all i might think to say about a new year on the new moon…….i mostly wish to express that i am paying more attention now and i delight in all that i am about to enjoy! I have been all over the place it seems this past year and i am now learning to stand still and listen more. It is ok to be good to YOU!!

Hey there Bright Star!

Yes YOU! Go ahead and chuckle to yourself at the thought. It is true. Modern day keeps lying to you in an effort to keep you dependent on Big Corporations for all they sell that promises you guaranteed happiness.  Our world is being brainwashed and its so pervasive the majority does not recognize it is happening.  You are told creamy white skin is the best and so you grow up through everyones eyes as  “unfortunate” for your olive skin.  You then are told that TAN is beauty and all the world turns their heads from creamy white to tan everytime someone passes by. Check them out. look at that pretty skin! Keep them distracted. That is the secret potion. distraction. keep them feeling in great need of everything you sell then they will forget to think for themselves. The greatest weapon of all is convincing everyone that there is no problem. NO global food crisis. No global warming. No economic timebomb. No problem with the level of insecurity and lack of sacredness for the human spirit. Keep everyone sucked in to instagram with all of its photoshopped pics and twitter and tumblr and facebook and farmville and pandora and youtube and text messaging…..Keep everyone feelin inadequate and distracted and in need. But i want you to know that you NEED nothing as you are truly a marvel all your own. Without the help of Aeropostale or CoolWater cologne or creamy foundation or rayban sunglasses or Ugg boots or a blasted iphone in your possession. Snap out of it! Noone on tv is prettier or more valuable or worthy of more adoration than YOU! NO they are NOT! It is time we break the cycle of lies and negative propaganda against humankind in order to perpetuate the monster of consumerism destroying harmony of everyone and everything in its path. It is so  much deeper of an infiltration than the highly distracted population comprehends. I see mothers putting their children on fatfree milk diets at eleven because they notice their once petite 7 year old daughter is now getting some cushion on her bones. I see fathers showing favoritism to their skinny daughters   because society deems her more acceptable. Families let siblings taunt the child less like everyone else and defends and lavishes  the child who fits the mold of conformity better. Less than 200 years ago if a woman weighed 120 or less than you were considered unappealling because noone wanted to marry a woman who might die in childbirth. Fragile women never allowed people to prosper. Women with meat on their bones didnt easily fall sick when a virus passed through town.If she got sick she had a better chance of survival because she had a stronger body to handle the ailment.Science has proven that rounded curves on a woman has a positive affect on small babies. Tiny petite girls were usually unhealthy girls or slaves who didnt get enough to eat or worked so hard they could not keep weight on their bodies.   The history of mankind shows the more unique , the more individual and daring the person, the greater the history they make.  Stop trying to see beauty through the eyes of the matrix. Beauty is that light of hope and desire and dreams and longings that burn with inside you. Beauty is that bravery you tap into from the core of your being to stand up on your own when everyone else tries so hard to conform and be like everyone else. HOw much time gets wasted in ones life worrying about how they look to others? The view from where you stand in regards to yourself is always gonna be only one sided. You are never gonna see a full view of yourself. Especially not in a mirror. There is a passion inside you that speaks to you on sleepness nights. It comes to you in your dreams. You are distracted by it more than all the worlds distractions. Your true beauty is finding the nobility within yourself to live beyond the superficial judgement of others to implement your passion into your life. If your passion requires you to stand alone then let go of fear and stand. Be the difference around you that you KNOW you can be just by being you. Teach your children to follow their heart instead of the expectations of others. Teach eachother…and yourself that your beauty is not what everyone SEES just by looking at you. I am appalled that the latest trend is to have a totally waxed or shaven pubic area. WTF?  NOw young teen men are learning to look only for this as a criteria for a significant relationship.Next year when pubic hair is back in fashion then all the poor saps who got permanent hair removal are gonna be feeling scammed. Young men still learning about themselves who eventually find interest in the opposite sex are being brainwashed as they watch their fathers addiction to porn unfold. Dads are no longer teaching their sons to respect their mommas or other women. They think its cool to be a Dad who makes crude jokes about females to their sons as if they are bonding.  In todays world, Dads no longer have to even have a speaking relationship  with their sons, the sons learn just by watching . Everytime you habitually turn your head to check out some females ass as she walks by , you teach him to be the same way. you show him where the value of a woman lies in your heart and mind.Everytime you turn your head to check out some female in front of your own wife you tell her and the woman who sees you checking her out that woman are only as valuable as the immediate pleasure her body can offer a man. You tell your wife that your devotion is only as strong as the next half naked sexually explicit video you can find. You devalue every female by your lack of mindfullness to how your behavior affects people that see you whom you do not realize are even watching.  You spread that primitive carnal imprisonment out to the masses around you. Everytime a mother makes her daughter feel ashamed of herself for not being as perfect as her momma always wanted to be than the mother teaches the daughter that her value ONLY lies in the acceptance of others.Everytime a momma fails to tell her child that they are beautiful just as they are, A magical shade all their own making the rainbow of the world all that more miraculous, that momma fails herself and the growth of all women and the men capable of learning good things from such beautiful women. Where are the brave ones willing to speak and live the truth our children need to learn? The mothers and the fathers and the grandfathers and the Aunts that say to live by way of honor and TRUTH even if I fail in this task or my example as a role model is unsatisfactory. We have arrived in this place of great discovery and invention by asking questions outside of the immediate view of our world. Imagining all that has not yet been made known is truly a beautiful thing. Dare i challenge everyone to stop blowing smoke up your kids asses for things in which  they had no responsible contribution? I hear people saying how pretty or cute the baby is far more than hearing how loved or special or unique they are. Why is that? All children are special and good and loved. Even if that love is undiscovered for the moment.(some kids have to wait til adulthood to find this love)My daughter said to me a few years ago that until everyone started telling her otherwise she always thought she was beautiful and sweet. I happened to be completely present for a change when she said this and the force behind her words was felt as if suddenly i was driving in sand. It saddened me. I see how women and their daughters carry themselves as if the whole world is evaluating them and they are afraid of being seen with any imperfection. I went to Jamaica a few weeks ago and spent a few days at clothing optional resort. I was nearly the only woman on that beach with real breasts. I was shocked to see even OLD women with breast implants! Until you convince yourself of your innate beauty, how ever will you be able to set an example for all other females around you to love themselves for their innate beauty? I have been told thousands of times how beautiful i am. MOst of those times had absolutely NOTHING to do with who i am. It can be a very lonely place when you are spiritually, socially,intellectually, emotionally surrounded by strangers. Most people do not even know me. They do not want to. They do not want to truly know anyone more than a basic level. Because truly getting to know anyone often times puts people in a position of gauging themselves in comparison to another and this gauging stirs up discomfort they have been programmed to do everything to AVOID. It is easier to fit in and blend in rather than to stand out for the intense fear everyone carries of having to endure the judgement of others. We want to be accepted. Everyone does. You will find , that if you accept yourself for the beautiful individual that you are , you will lose focus of everyone else and their judgements.  You find so much more of the world that does not judge you or disagree with you. You learn to live through your own heart and for your own dreams rather than for the acceptance of others. You will find yourself blossoming regardless of whether your breasts are acceptable or your image is acceptable. You will find and begin to exude your natural “glow” .  What i can never understand is, how we all learn as we grow up that the star of the show always fades out over time as they have been given so much false recognition, they learn not how to reach for anything more. Yet everyone wants to BE that STAR and recieve THEIR star treatment knowing thats probably gonna be the highlight of their unfulfilling  The truth behind all the lies is that even the”flashy” or people who seem to always be in the limelight, unless they find intimacy with life and others and themselves, they will always be lonely unless in the company of one of their adoring fans. Unless you depend on the love inside you to guide you rather than the twisted primitive expectations of the world around you then you shall always fight loneliness . You will need to be the center of attention. You will not handle intimacy with too many outsiders because you cannot handle your own intense competitiveness in the company of others who might take away your center stage. You forget how to search for yourself and you spend your whole life expecting things from others to keep you fulfilled. You stand for nothing other than what you look like and how you appear to the world around you.Its hard for  you to accept others joy around you because you have not found a way to rest comfortably within your own joy.   You could risk a very unfulfilling life by stepping in this trap like the rest of everyone around you or you could think for yourself and follow your true inner passions and allow your true inner beauty to shine forth. Like a rippling wave your light will affect everything it touches. Making the world as bright and beautiful as you only adds to the beauty in us all. It all sounds better on paper but nothing is harmed by testing the notion. I dare ya to give it a try. Let your light shine!

Your not supposed to say it cuz your gonna change your mind!!

I would UNSAY soo many of the things i have said in my life. I have been told as a small child from the extreme right wing church bunch, that because everything comes from thought, if you think of doing things wrong, than it is as if you have actually committed the wrong.  But the truth comes after all these years, that it is FAR better to let the thoughts rest in your mind sometimes than to release them into the world verbally. I do not give a rats fanny about what Dr. Phil thinks about it. I will never trust a man who wears foundation on tv. HOw highly evolved and insightful can one really be if he is so caught up in representing a facade through his outward appearance? I digress. Pay attention to everyone around you. Stop zoning out in your own little view of the path for yourself and your family. We are ALL a part of your path. Especially if you are actually reading this. I expect i am talking to myself which allows more ease to tap into whats really eating me as i blog through it. It works. Go figure. So what am i thinking about this time??

    I am thinking about what i am feeling and wanting to express aloud in this moment.  I know for certain of  only one thing. That everything changes. Putting words to my thoughts is unstable because no matter how strongly i feel about something right now, i will ultimately change my mind as time passes. Even if only in some small way…i will change. Whether i want to or not. HOw does one find peace however, in resolving through words things that are on our mind? Meditation? maybe. I haven’t made it there yet. How do i foster and nurture a stronger relationship in my marriage if i cannot discuss what is on my mind? It can be difficult letting troublesome thoughts rest in our minds without our feelings getting attached and spread the vibe of the discomfort from our thoughts throughout our body. My husband can tell if something is troubling me. He expresses true concern yet when he opens the floor for discussion its as if he is now offended about my position when i tell him what is on my heart. There is a craft one must learn i suspect in balancing the delicate scales of discussion of opportunities for growth and of the speaking of extraneous matter which distracts us of the main issue at hand. What am i trying to say? The half minded population ,like myself(totally mindful is the zen state yes? Nirvana? I surely only qualify as something beyond asleep and void of soul however you word it)at least sees the obviousness of some things being better left unsaid but some things fall into a grey area.  In expressing myself to my husband I speak of things on my heart , yet i know not how to excise the flashing(extranneous potentially misinterpreted words) of content that distracts him from hearing my heart and understanding where i am coming from .Or at least making him less able to empathize with me. If i can be aware of this then surely i must be able to better master or maneuver this maze of mysteries in the field of relationships?If i say that his complacency is creating an issue , all he hears is that i called him” complacent” then he hears it as “lazy”. I want to say things like”Could you snap out of your zone for a moment to share a few minutes in conversation with me about the day?” I start out in the beginning of this small issue in our relationship by saying things like” i missed you today…come talk to me” or “Tell me about your day!” Over time one grows weary of always initiating this interaction and eventually i actually somehow say ” Unless something is entertaining or deemed worthy of your time then you just sit and zone out with solitaire or facebook”.   like a vomit thy blech spills… take away emotion. Let all of it go somewhere else. exhale it. release it.  Remind yourself that you both chose to love each other in spite of all the shortcomings you both bring to the table. Love bears all things. Now I have said ” You drive me crazy but i put up with it because i truly love you” You can pretty much surmise that this statement was NOT recieved well. How can i get this in my mind, but trip over myself when put it into action?? It would have went over much smoother had i chose to say”love bears all things” or simply said nothing at all. Because i would not be in this moment for long and if only i could let it pass in silence then perhaps it would have been like any other random passing moment? relatively uneventful. Then when the time came for my mind to move on and my heart to move and which altered the frequency of my vibe, i wouldnt have to do damage control over good intentions and my efforts to bring my relationships closer. ugh. I have learned that being right is never really a goal to strive for in a relationship. When one learns to let go and truly accept another for all the easy and not so easy then one learns to dispose of the “right ” thought altogether and just focus on the now between the harmony. Dare i say”lesson learned” ?

Dearest Cath……

I dreamt of you last nite. I do not remember any part of it except you were in it. My mind is consumed with thoughts of you. I desperately want you to reconsider the surgery. You do not have breast cancer. Sure BRCA II positive gene adds a little concern for me but not enough to volunteer a double mastectomy. To me, breast cancer is not any more scary than driving on the interstate with all these texting maniacs behind the wheel. Anything that comes out of my mouth is gonna sound like i am trying to talk you out of it. What kind of friend would i be if i were not totally supportive of your choice here to remove both your breast simply because you have a positive gene and your Dad died from breast cancer?? It is not my body so i am out of line to suggest you are being consumed by unnecessary fear. This is one of those moments in a persons life when you are gonna prove what kind of friend you really are.  I would expect you to trust my decision and also to trust that i did not come to my decision lightly. I would need you to support my position. So here i am feeling like i am doing a poor job at playing this role with you. You are so priceless to me that its incredibly hard for me to imagine strangers/doctors cutting off part of your body when you have not been diagnosed with cancer. As awesome as doctors can be , they do not operate mindfully and intentionally. They are brainwashed by the medical industry.  Today’s healthcare system does not even recognize the benefits of alternative medicine or homeopathic remedies for what ails us. You are texting me now and im so emotional right now i want to scream. I am also struggling to not let this affect how i interact with everyone else around me.  I can briefly mention i am heading up North to be with you as you are having surgery but noone around me immediately processes much of this information and to keep this in mind when i am not myself, is just not a common habit in this culture. A less politically correct way of saying might be that they are zombies.  If you elected to change your mind and not have the surgery, then should some unfortunate news of a lump find you in the future you have a high survival rate even with a lumpectomy. You mentioned to me that if something happened to Bruce down the road then you may have to face breast cancer alone. This is so NOT true. It feels to me like you are taking alot of “what-if’s” and picking the worst case scenario’s and creating fear within yourself. Its ok to be afraid. But to let fear control our lives and the choices we make does not serve anyone in a positive manner.  What if you get an infection from the surgery and it attacks your immune system. You have taken so many antibiotics over the years that it will tax your body to the core to expose so much surface area of your chest to germs in the air during the operation. It is equally trying for me to come to terms with the idea that you are so worried about getting deathly sick yet you would have implants put in afterward to reconstruct your breast. The ones you have are perfectly fine. No cancer. just a positive gene presence. Will there ever be words or a way for me to let you know how much i love you to the very core of MY being? I believe ALL things are connected. This places a higher expectation in my mind of doctors to be aware of this and prayerfully operate. But ONLY when every effort to AVOID surgery has been exhausted first! So invasive, To volunteer the transition one goes thru of seeing their body all scarred up, to go through the emotional transition as well as what your husband will face, to put yourself through the pain and the recovery, the synthetic drugs and chemicals that will be used from now until you are healed, to face complications that may arise noone can see right now, all without any diagnosis of cancer to me is mind boggling. My position is to trust in the wholeness i was created to experience. I know you are not me and i am not you. We are so very close it feels as if we are one yet i realize you have a path that does not always include me. Perhaps in your heart but I have seen your beautiful face only once in years. I feel honored that you shared with me this part of your journey. In my selfishness i want you to see that you were designed to live a beautiful and bountiful life. Too many people buy into the notion that its just a part of life to fall apart as you age and expect you will be worse off than you are now. Many systems of faith expect us to believe in the existence of something we do not see and they cannot show us how to truly see this great entity that only they can help you understand but they expect you to carry this faith your whole life no matter how  much it destroys the light inside you YET people as a whole should not expect their bodies to work satisfactorily while they are here? Why are we here? To simply work for someone all day nearly every day until we fall apart and die? It should be ok to ask these questions.  Where did the question itself come from? My brain. Who put it there? Me? Not me. I found the thought but i certainly did not originally create the thought. Or did i? If we can create thought then surely we can envision and sustain through our mindset a vital and healthy life. Noone can foresee accidents that we may find ourselves in and facing injuries can change our whole lives. But if a gene can determine my whole future then i may  as well bury my head in the sand with all the genes my family passed to me.  Dying is a part of living. We are not guaranteed through a test that we will get cancer. But its a definite guarantee that we will all die one day. We will no longer be here. We do not truly know with our human minds where we will go or how it will all take place once we leave our physical bodies. There is much speculation about the moments after death and I have read many incredible stories about experiences that actually happened to people after they died and came back to life. I believe them. But each of their experience are not exactly the same. So noone truly knows how it all really happens until it happens to them. to you. to me. Does this all come down to some underlying fear of dying?  I do wish you would consider my notions on healing ourselves and maintaining a healthy lifestlye and vital life throughout your whole life. Corporate America wants you to feel dependant on their healthcare. Their medicine. Their nursing homes.  Their is a way to prevent the need for regular long term healthcare. Its great to have it but its  not great to be so imbedded into it that your whole life is dependent on the medical world to keep you healthy. I am not suggesting my most beloved friend that you think this way. I just feel it is once again like the power of :”The Nothing” sweeping over the land . We are wiped out if we no longer think for ourselves or feel we can trust ourselves to maintain our own vitality. That is what a doctor should be there for. To prescribe proper diet adjustments for each symptom, or suggest links between issues goin on in ones life being linked to physical conditions, to offer the best opportunity and regimen to reach the best healing attainable. NO . Most doctors prescribe foreign meds they do not know much about as a solution to coping with different symptoms of illness. It is never about healing anymore to the medical establishment. How can so many people blindly trust people they do not even really know with their physical health and wellbeing? Again, i am not talking of this to accuse you. of any lack of careful consideration on your part. I am selfish where you are concerned and i want you to live forever. I will come up in ten days to be there with you. I hate that this is happening but i want to be there with you to pray over you and love you for a minute before i go back to my busy life hundreds of miles away. And spend another many years missing you and thinking of you and blogging to noone…as always talking to myself. Please do not have this surgery.  You said that you have a peace about this that you cannot explain. If i said that to you i would truly expect you to trust in this . So i have remorse for my struggle as it appears i do not have peace and i should simply because you do. I want to.  I am sorry that i am not more evolved than i could be for you.  I again learn great medicine from you beautiful woman. So i will honor you by giving my best effort towards trust that all things happen as they will and we can only allow ourselves to be ok with whatever “is”. My gift to you is that i am going to be ok as i know you would be for me, Tiquiero mucho .