Has it ever happened to you? You are walking along the street in the busy part of town and from around the corner someone enters your view and as they approach you, you feel a zap of electricity just by the sight of them? They turn a corner in their life that day and its as if they enter your life. It feels just like that. My first class of the semester and of the day. 9:10 a.m. and I am sitting in the chair waiting. From the left side of my peripheral view as if walking around a corner, this tiny woman enters the room and enters my world in that first glimpse and i am captivated. At first sight. I understand that the mind can play tricks on us but i have no explanation for the illuminated aura i saw around her. By looking at her, Even with a gloriously wild pile of black curls atop her head and nearly an inch of heel on her boots, she couldn’t possibly be five feet tall. I must admit i was completely attracted to her perfect face and skin and everything…but it really was something beyond aesthetics that enchanted me. Like the gears in me and my life were moving around as usual, then i encounter the mere presence of some woman I have never seen or met before and this unlocking inside of me occurs. The click clack clicking of an activation of a “something” perhaps dormant inside me …. nearly audible. I wondered if the same thing happened inside her? A crazy thought but at the same time how could such an impressive force act upon me and NOT be noticeable by her..by anyone nearby for that matter? Surely someone else felt that? I was sitting near the door and from where she taught the class i was some distance in the back of the class. It was distracting really because the rest of my classes were ahead of me and I could not stop thinking of her. Why? How could such an uneventful first day back at school suddenly take such a profound turn? There is no obvious explanation for it. I do not remember really anything she said that first day. I could not help but plant myself in the first and closest seat to her two days later when the class met again. Mostly i pick the closest seat in all my classes because i cannot handle the distraction of whispering classmates. Also, my vision is not the best so i prefer sitting up nearest the projector screen for the clearest view of Power Point presentations and such. This has become my set seat. After class had met three or four times It dawned on me that she would be on social media. Turns out we have several friends in common. Being my Art History professor in college i didn’t think she would add me but she did. I feel like I must exercise serious self control to not be myself around her as if i have known her for half my life. Another week or so passes and so I sent her the message ” We must be friends. It is meant to be. But i realize that you are the teacher and i am the grasshopper and so for now i shall remain your biggest fan(did i tell you what a big fan i am?)huge fan.” I did not expect a response and of course i did not get one. But it was as if she was suddenly in my everyday. This image of her remained inside my head from the moment i saw her and was replaced only when I was in her presence. I love history. It is amazing how much more interesting learning about something can be when you find yourself captivated by one teaching the material. I knew i had to not only pace myself but maintain some self control over my impulses to send her messages or emails or anything. At least until after the semester was over. It felt like i had known her and so my mind wanted to interact with her as if i had known her forever. She was interesting to listen to and usually added a little about herself each time she gave lecture. She had a great sense of humor. I so looked forward to this class every Tuesday and Thursday. I waited another week or so and sent her another message just so that she might allow my name to stand out in her mind more so than others. It was meant to be funny. How strange it was on another level that suddenly this educator -student dynamic had turned around in my mind, what might be otherwise an awesome meeting of new friends, now making me feel like some weird stalker. I have never been taken by someone like her. I had no reason to make myself feel like a stalker so i know it was not my doing. If i wasn’t trying to maintain this professional relationship, I would have already asked her to dinner, or a hike or to come see her.Anything. This was dangerously close to fucking with my mind if i spent too much time thinking about it so i just decided that this barrier between us til December was meant to be and enjoy the path i was on none the less.
The powers of observation are vastly underestimated in today’s world. Most people are so glued to their phones they have given up the act of taking notice of the rest of the world around them. Millenial’s are already losing the ability to read typical social cues. Being able to truly pay attention can allow for anyone to gain an upper hand in any given situation. I am a part of the “old school” generation before the days of smartphones and internet. It comes more naturally to me and so I have gained much by simply allowing my mind to recognize more detail around me in the world. It doesn’t take much effort for me to notice her though. I notice everything about her. Since first meeting her I have learned that she has several jobs and doesn’t seem to sleep. We have both things in common. She likes to wear mismatch earrings at times. Her middle initial is J and what it stands for I sure wish i knew. Janelle? Jane? Jean? The first woman i fell in love with had a middle name of Jean. Lisa Jean. The mind tries to create something when nothing is there to feed off. For the past two months I have spent two mornings a week with this exquisite woman and by not interacting with her beyond my student role, my thoughts have taken on a life of their own. Goddess help me. (to be continued)