Category Archives: writing

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Becoming RN.

I applied to be readmitted into the RN to BSN program. It feels good because it means that my house rebuild is coming along. I was already registered for classes when the fire broke out, taking everything with it. I was determined to keep going straight through college until my Masters. All the upheaval caused by the fire made it a straight uphill battle to put much focus on my studies. Being entirely online, there was no class discussion or connection to other students to help remain motivated. And all the “build my life back” took center stage and pushed my homework to the back burner. When i finished my last semester at ETSU i did not sign up for more classes. I could not even bear to look at my final grades because i knew that my personal circumstances were the only thing standing in the way of my studies and so i had to remind myself that those grades did not define me. I know i can do this and i know that i can choose to look only at the destination sometimes in order to keep pressing forward with my goals. So I did let the semester end without ever even knowing whether i passed my classes or not. Im used to failure. Im used to getting chosen last and coming into last place. But through it all i have learned a great deal about the hidden gifts inside failure. I have gained extra appreciation for every opportunity that comes my way and for how i arrived at every mile stone. I tell everyone that ive always wanted to be a nurse. That is true but not entirely. I also dreamt often of becoming a police officer. I had a major fan crush on Sharon Gless (and Tyne Daly if im being entirely honest lol) from the series “Cagney and Lacey” two badass cops who bring realness to the job and show the tough resilient side of women. I rarely saw anyone around me in my community really amount to anything. Most people in Michigan were proud to work at General Motors. Anyone who did not get the prestigious job of working any role at GM was retired from GM or on disability from GM and NONE of these people were related to me or associated with the people that were technically considered “my people”. To dream of becoming a nurse or a cop were things so far above my caste that anyone who learned of me having such goals would awkwardly praise me or laugh in disbelief. Another moment of truth is that i may not have been able to handle the demands and sacrifices required back in my 20s. I new my brain worked pretty good most of the time because i loved to read and could really place myself in any story. I fully comprehended the amazing stories i read. I also became a master of observation. Being capable of fully observing any situation or surrounding and being an avid reader told me that my brain did work in spite of the fact that i had ADHD and unless off by myself in a quiet place to concentrate on reading, it took me several attempts to fully finish reading long sentences in textbooks because my mind would not hold concentration long enough to finish. My love for reading kept me from giving up. Time is a beautiful thing like that though and as i got older, i slowly leveled up in my self confidence on what i could convince myself of achieving. By the time i began my prereqs in my 40s , my youngest daughter was in high school. So to many, becoming a college student in my 40s with alot of life experience to help me get by , this was a great advantage. But at the same time, Being in my 20s and 30s were painful and took much energy to work through alot of personal stuff to be able to step outside of myself and actively seek to achieve bigger goals. I still can hardly believe i made it into nursing school and i have been a licensed registered nurse for over a year now. I may finish last alot , but i do finish and that to me is as amazing at coming in first place. I may have faced many more setbacks but here i am today back in the game of obtaining my BSN and it feels soooo good. First up, History lol.

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Becoming RN…

I called this post “Becoming RN” because i had hoped to start it way back when i was beginning my prerequesites for nursing school, then i had truly hoped to start it as i was on summer break and preparing for fall classes and studying , and then again when i had graduated and became a licensed registered nurse. That was just over one year ago and here i am only now making real effort. So much has changed in my mind from the beginning of nursing school until now. I am still amazed that i actually graduated school and was going to be able to sit for the national boards, that still feels amazing to me. I often find myself thinking about how stressful it was just a year ago to remember all the medications for all the things that ail people and now i can look at any patient medication profile and tell you what is going on with them simply by looking at what things they are taking. I think about how i tortured myself to remember soo much and here i am carrying so much more knowledge and experience my mind could not comprehend just a year ago. Everything seemed like it was an emergency as a nursing student. A year later, you calm down naturally once you learn that people can have all sorts of crazy vital sign readings or lab results and still be alive lol.Not everything is an emergency once you realize this as a new nurse, you become much more calm, I did anyway.The truth is, you often hear that you really only begin to learn to how to become a nurse once you pass NCLEX and get a job working as a nurse, THAT’S where it begins. In nursing school, the pressure of only being able to fail out once adds enormous stress to the challenge of being a nursing student. This is one of those gazillion times when you need your mother. I knew i was not going to have that option and i was determined to become a nurse, but i felt it worthy to put place that comment in here because its how life runs through my head. Instead of saying to myself ” I want my mother” its more like “I wish i had a mother to turn to in times like these.” Like a program constantly running and updating in the background of your phone, not having a mother in your life…that absence is everpresent and profound, even at my age.

Within one year of becoming an RN, i went through multiple jobs and I see from so many sides this national (and international) seachange of what bedside nursing looks like in todays world. There is much you do not get to see or understand about nursing and healthcare in general until you are swimming in it up to your eyeballs. I let it get to me quickly and even though i knew from school and the constant headlines in the news, the shock of the nursing field is more than anyone can truly prepare you for, i still felt like the reality of it all hit me like a curveball i did not see coming. The first 3 months of nursing where a whirlwind of long hours on your feet learning a computer system and all the protocols for the unit you are working on in a hospital. I was on 8 in Oncology. Only it wasnt exactly Oncology. And what i learned most in those 3 months were that you never see them or talk to them but corporate is always in charge over actual nursing care. In 12 short weeks i was carrying a nursing assignment too large for any one nurse, especially a brand new nurse. There were never enough supplies to actually DO your job , You are just another RN to fill in a slot and you will work with a broken system and very small number in your team and there is nooone person you can turn to solve the problems driving countless nurses out of the field altogether. There is not enought time and therefore as a nurse you will only set yourself back if you attempt to slow down enough to actually care or show any caring towards the patient. One of the most eye opening experiences was how quickly and how often you put your nursing license on the line just to get through your day. What i learned also is that someone or something literally sucked all the spirit out of human health and healthcare in general. You can tell that nursing is in a major shift at this time and it does not appear that all this “change” is letting up anytime soon. It is not about caring for the individual. It is definately not about a holistic approach to promote healing in the individual either. I find myself trying to hold on for the ride. But unless i turn a blind eye to all the madness , i know i am NOT gonna make it as a nurse, or at least find it difficult to stay in any one place.

My first official day on the floor, being supervised by my preceptor, I was told to go get the 9a.m. meds for the patient i was in charge of that day. The main medroom did not have any methadone so i went to the back medroom and used my biometrics to access the system. In a sudden frenzy, the other nurse bursts into the medroom and is loud and pushy asking what is taking me so long to get the meds? Before i can even respond, he pushes himself in front of me and grabs the meds out of the tray, counts them, closes the drawer, wastes half a pill and hands me the methodone tablets then proceeds to log me out of the system so that he can access it for HIS patient, He was rude and dismissive but i just left and gave meds to my patient. The next morning, there was a slip from the pharmacy with a descrepency related to my nurse login. My preceptor said its no big deal and we can fix it easily. We walk into the breakroom where the nurse manager was and when she read the note , she simply said in her loud matter of fact voice, “Now thats a quick way to lose your license!” She did NOT even bother to ask me about the incident, she gave no opportunity for discussion, she just blurted out her comment and dismissed me. I wasnt expecting a welcome party when i came onboard that unit as a nurse, but mere days into the experience i was already getting threatened.

And the patients. The high acuity of sick Americans at this time in the world is astounding. What is worse though is trying to care for 8-10 or them after they have sat in an ER department for 12 plus hours before being placed into your care and then they realize they were sent to the Oncology unit and really freak out thinking they have cancer. When i entered the workflow of this hospital it was just after the worst of Covid and we were the very first graduates of COVID nursing school since the pandemic began and after the mass exodus of nurses from every hospital in America. Having one CNA (not certified though because then you would have to pay them more for being certified) to work any unit in the hospital was a lucky break. And if you have only one then you really have none because they are so busy answering call lights they cannot really help you with nursing care. There is no cohesiveness between the ER sending patients to the units and the units themselves. And donot get me started on the poor quality of food being served in hospitals. Sick or injured people should not being eating slop while they are being treated for severe health conditions or injuries. Its insulting to see what American hospitals serve their patients to eat. The entire medical system as they are being run today are setup to fail. If that is the case, then it is no surprise why so many nurses are leaving the industry altogether. I just got here and i am being run out as well. 12 hour days are NEVER 12 hour days unless the hospital suddenly needs to stop overtime then they are like dictators when it comes to the time clock, otherwise, they work you beyond what your body should be expected, like a slave dog. I left the hospital 4 months in and i have no regrets. I am still a nurse though and shall keep pressing forward until i find my spot. This is my journey.

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50 yard line.

I cannot remember if I made a journal entry days before i turned 50, but even if I had, it all went up in the fire. I was working so hard to finish nursing school that everything else took a back burner. The fire took everything i ever owned pretty much and a few beloved pets. But it also brought with it, I would come to realize later, so many new beginnings. I started a new college towards my BSN, a new job as a brand-new R.N., and new living space close to the land in the woods. New plans have been finalized to build a beautiful new house and all sorts of new beginnings are on the way just three months later. Here I am beginning a second half century and looking forward all this journey has in store for me. I have more dreams I wish to achieve; I would like to pick up more women in my cohort as friends to join me in the journey. There is so much that has not been passed down to women even still. Conversations about who we are and how our bodies and our minds will change, needs to be reborn. I am feeling a calling at 50 to make more connections with kindred spirits who are about to enter this phase of their life and hear the call as well. I cannot focus as well as I want to as I write this, but I was determined to update my blog as an affirmation of my commitment to taking a few moments to share my thoughts and a little piece of my heart in this space. Have you turned 50 yrs.? What have you learned and what would you like to share with those women who come after you? Has your perspective on life changed much? Surely, there will be others out there who have been seeking the same guidance as I. Although, there are only 9 months left in the year but i hope to and bet it will be filled with many big and wonderful things with some good wisdom along the way. Cheers to all the quinquagenarians! Thanks for joining me.

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Amoveo

Pula wondered if the gods were right… he wondered all the more if the gods spoke these rules then why will they not speak to him now? Ever since he could remember his people told stories of how gods made all things come to be. Where are the gods now when he has so many unanswered questions? “What is this silence between us?” he often prayed. In the deepest part of the night when even the crickets seem to be in slumber, he prayed this and many things. It seemed no answers ever arrived. A voice maybe? A dream perhaps? Nothing.” If he wasn’t meant to have these answers ,” he wondered. “Then from where did these questions come?”  So much wondering often leads to drowsiness so Pula decided once again to let it go and focus on the trail unfolding in front of him as the day was pressing on and there was no time for a nap.  He sensed an urgency in the pungent forest air around him.  With all of his questions, Pula did have one certainty inside him that burns since he was old enough to remember anything.  His people believed he was born to bring this prophecy to them and they honored his visions though he was not yet 15.  His people knew that young children barely weened from their mother’s breast could not make up stories that seemed to pour from Pula. An old soul, he seemed to possess a knowledge of words far beyond the stage of a three year old child. Bathing with the women of the village he would begin telling them about a day that will come.  “very soon” Pula often spoke.  The women would all stop in unison and silently examine baby Pula.  “What is this the child says?” Grandmother Fia  exclaims. “We must listen to the boy!” she urges everyone to pay attention.  ” soon!” Pula would burst forth as he splashed around the balneae.  “Amoveo”  he would say.Over and over “Amoveo!”.  “What is this amoveo he refers to grandmother Fia?” asked one mother.

     “Fia being a shortened version of the name “sophia” a greek name meaning “wisdom” and “knowledge” True to her name grandmother Fia counseled much “wisdom” over the years throughout the tribe and neighboring villages beyond Haemus Mons of the North. Raised by an herbalist grandmother herself, Fia learned all about the native medicinal plants of the land. She learned to propogate plants in order to travel with them and create tinctures and poultices for every ailment anyone might encounter.  She possessed a medicinal knowledge and a natural born intuition that allowed her to diagnose and treat almost anyone that came across her path. Her name and her insight travelled far across the land and  many times over the years she was summoned (often in the wee hours of the night) for various reasons. One particular snowy evening, as Fia was about to retire for the night there came the sound of a horn blowing  through the trees.  Fia thought it might be just the howling of the winds thrashing through the forest  but the sound was becoming louder and more distinct. Surely she has heard this call before? Stepping back out of her pallet of covers, she hurries to the door to investigate the sound.  Before she can reach the front room where the door is located, an explosion of noise erupts through the front of grandmothers Fia’s home and in rushes a large burly figure covered in snow and ice from head to foot. There was so much snow that Fia could not tell if this was a man or beast. Heavy panting persisted as the massive figure standing before Fia’s small frame tried to catch a better stream of breathing. upon quick examination , Fia noticed there were a pair of large boots sticking out of the cloak and a long snow covered beard dripping melted snow on her head as she sized up the frozen intruder.”May i help you sir?” Fia cautiously spoke. “Who are you and why are you here at this hour?” Still only heavy breathing came forth. ” I cannot help you unless you speak to me” Fia stated. Growing increasingly impatient and more tired from her already arduous day, grandmother Fia was about to begin shouting when the large cloak came down off the shoulders and hit the floor with a heavy thud. Beneath the cloak was a tall bearded man holding a young  woman with child and  heavy with labor pains. Despite her shock Fia immediately reached forward to help the man carry the woman to Fia’s bed across the room and lay her down. “i beg your pardon missus” the man spoke between the heavy pants. ” My young wife is in terrible need of a midwife and i was told you could help us” “I am not a midwife” Fia replied. “You have been misinformed sir” she added. Panic set in across the mans frost bitten face. “Oh but please you must help!” he cried ” I have carried her so far in this snowstorm and i fear i cannot carry her any longer NOR will the baby wait for us to find another shelter! you MUST help!” defeated, he collapsed to his knees and began to stroke his young brides wet hair as beads of sweat poured from her forehead.  From the looks of her, the young woman would not last much longer if Fia did not help her birth this child. Fia nearly jumped up and ran to the cabinet to gather some dry clean cloth. she handed them to the strange man kneeling over her bed and instructed him to grab the pot of water simmering by the fireplace and carry to the bedside. The woman screamed in agony.  Fia recognized  the sounds of danger and quickly raced to the woman with her bag of herbs entow. Inspecting the young woman , fia noticed a tremendous amount of blood flowing from her womb. “You must push with all your might!” yelled Fia. The mother pushes and pushes until Fia notices not a head but little tiny feet appear.  It is too late to do anything about this so Grandmother fia urges the mother to keep pushing with all she has until the tiny baby appears on the blood soaked sheets of Fia’s bed. As fia wipes the baby clean and turns to present the child to his parents, she notices the mother has slipped into unconsciousness. Passing the newborn child to his father , fia rushes to tend to his mother.  After some time she turns to the father and child with a sad expression on her face”i am very sorry but she may hav lost too much blood. There is nothing more i can do.” Fia declares.”We must let her rest”. Taking the infant boy back from the father , fia motions for him  to return to the bedside of his dying wife. “My beloved ” cries the man” the gods have smiled upon our love and blessed us with a beautiful son!” Barely able to speak , the young mother replies” I had a dream my love” “I dreamt i would have a son and he would be a part of a grand prophecy oneday.” “in my dream” she said ” there was much death so i never shared the dream for fear my boy might die.” The man brought the boy to his mothers bedside so she could see him.  “Where are we?”asked the mother in her still small voice. Fia appeared before her just then “You were very brave my dear” said Fia. “another minute lost and you may have had your baby in this storm!” The mother smiled wearily.”who are you?”asked the young mother. “Sophia “replied Fia. “Most people call me grandmother Fia” “and who might you folks be?”fia asked as she placed the newborn boy to his mothers breast “I am Xander and this is my wife Petra.” the man said.”We were seperated from our caravan of people just over the pass”he told Fia. “Then a storm hit and we were forced to find shelter in a cave not far from here.”he added. “i know of the place” said Fia. (She often kept her surplus stored there until spring so she would not have to venture over that pass once the winter arrived)  “You must be far from your people to end up in THAT cave. Fia told Xander. “Its a good thing you found me”. “Well” said Xander ” i am very grateful for your assistance with my wife Madam Fia and i do plan to repay your kindness one day”he told her.” If you would be so kind to let us rest for the night, i shall take my leave with my family at dawn” “Dear me” Fia replied.”your wife is very weak and is in no shape to travel come Dawn  AND this weather is not suitable for travelling with small infants”Fia told him. “Let us all get some sleep and we can figure this out on the morrow.” And with that she found some spare cloth in her chest and handed them to Xander to keep warm.She grabbed the baby and placed him in a basket next to her rocker so the new parents could get a little rest after such a trying turn of events. As she rocked back and forth in that dark little room, she remembered days long ago when Fia herself was young like Petra and married to a dear man from the plains. A war took him from her and after his burial she vowed to hold him in her heart forever but to love noone else ever again.  She found her contentment in caring for the people in her village and the surrounding areas as best she knew how. This became the joy that sustained her. She pondered this as she drifted off to sleep. She woke to the sound of her door slamming closed.  The baby lay sleeping quietly next to his mama but Xander was gone.  A note lay at the foot of her bed with a large horn atop the covers Fia had given Xander only hours earlier that now warmed his sleeping wife and child. Simply put, the note read “I promise to come back for you both” all my love X (to be continued….)