Dearest Cath……

It seems strange as it always has writing letters to you because there has been an ongoing connection so strong since we first me that this letter seems far more for me and my simple understandings than a missive for you.  🙂  I last spoke with you via text message when Osa died.  I still miss him.  Strange things jog my memory of him.  I was driving past a waffle house(we like to dub it the awful house)we visited the morning after he got hurt. We had to drive to Maryville to get him from the Emergency Care because they closed at 6a.m. and Osa was in too rough of shape and they didnt allow patients to stay.  We had to take him from there to our vet in Seymour.  I had not slept so this was quite an exhausting journey.  We didnt know what to do after we left him and G and i were so emotional and in shock that we didnt want to go home just yet. So we went to the awful house.  I am spoiled on organic range free eggs from our friends D and K (though i am vegan and rarely eat them anymore)that the eggs at the awful house taste truly awful.  I drove past this new branch the other day and it made me miss him so bad as it reminded me of that morning. G took me home after we ate at the awful house then he left for work.  I made a fire in the North all day for Osa( i guess for me too)I prayed hard that he would go so that i didnt have to make the choice to end his suffering. I guess that was his gift to me. To help me let go.  The interesting turn of things had it set forth to bring upon a new dog soldier to our home. Neo. He is an Australian Shepard /huskey mix.  Black with tan and white stockings on all four legs and tan and white cheeks.  He has blue eyes with his lower right eye splashed with dark brown over half of it.  I will have to tell you how he came to us another time.  He is quite afraid of men.  He is of strangers but he doesnt panic around females or kids like he does men. Isabella moved her toe on the footrest the other day and his whole body flinched. I keep coming up with these different stories in my mind as to who he was as a pup and where he may have come from.  Everything about Neo is a mystery to me except that i know in less than one months time we have grown to love each other.  G takes it personally at times that Neo is frightened of him but he’s patient with him. Neo teaches patience. Noone would dare lose their patience with him because you can tell it would make your own heart hurt worse than any mini panic Neo might experience. G and i had a fight recently after Neo had only been with us a few days. he ran and hid under our bed and when we yelled at each other he even growled for a second. I felt like a total failure of a human for feeding and ugly argumentative vibe and risking very fragile trust with my new dog soldier.  There was a break in the rain this morning and so i decided to take Neo out on a walk as it was late and i usually walk him before eight in the morning.  I let him off the leash last nite to enjoy being on our property. I had created a routine with Neo right away of taking him on a walk three times a day. We built up the distance so we could meander through the valley and wooded edge before heading back up the drive and around the small loop here on top of the hill where our house is.  You could tell he was excited that i let him off his leash last nite. I was nervous to let him stay outside because in my selfishness i didnt want him to run off.  I wanted him for my dog soldier/my friend…my pet. In the middle of the night the rainstorm welled up so loud that it woke me from a hard sleep.  I yelled for Neo as if i was thinking of him even as i slept.  I jumped out of bed and ran outside to call for him. In a few seconds he came bouncing out of the darkness towards the light i had just flipped on the porch.  It took a few minutes of coaxing and a piece of turkey meat but i got him inside.  He immediately ran under the kitchen table for safety but i was relieved to have him inside from the wild rain outside. That was somewhere around 4a.m.  Pushing towards ten the next morning I was eager to get my body in that walk mode and to get Neo outside and one more day closer to being more comfortable around me and his new home. He loves to dart towards my bedroom and hide under the bed for twelve hours at a time …so though i felt like a bully keeping him from his hidingspot I thought it would help him avoid getting a big comfort zone noone could penetrate.  I had the collar in my hand and of course he ran under the table again.  Something inside of me spoke so audibly clear and knowingly that it was almost as if a message had been sent from my brain to my body and it obeyed even before i realized my idea.  I put the leash on the table and propped open the door , stepped back to the edge of the porch and called for Neo.  As i backed away he poked his head out to look for me as i called him. I decided that we had taken enough walks in this first month together that he has a good idea of where he is.  Just as i had hoped he followed out of the house and off the porch. Our first walk side by side with NO LEASH! I was so happy that i bounced on our walk together and i even giggled out loud halfway through our route. he he .  On our way back up from walking the front portion of our property we stopped in my garden and he hung out with me while i spent nearly an hour weeding the crops! We are building this connection and i think he trusts me better because i have learned to look straight into his eyes. This is hard to do with huskeys having two different color eyes. G has blue eyes and i have brown so i thought this to be especially sweet.  I talk to him when we walk together. It helps me get out of my own head.  I had to board him at our vets just two weeks after getting him and it was quite a challenge.  I couldnt expect much support regarding my crazy feelings about it from G because he felt we should wait to get a new dog soldier until after a few of our festivals.  I couldnt bear to have him put back in that disgusting cage(though a fabulous facility and program the animal shelter had)  so i brought him home almost as if i had been hypnotized to do so. thats my story and im sticking to it. Seriously, he chose us just as much as we chose him.  I am so excited to have him hang with me though.  Of course he is at the moment back UNDER our bed fast asleep. 🙂 I have been thinking alot about you. When i feel overwhelmed as if the world is gonna swallow me whole i think how you may handle such a feeling. I wish i were near you because you make everything feel as if its gonna be ok when i am around you.  Some things never change. I feel as if i am climbing an uphill battle of mindfulness in a world where mosts people are clueless to mindful awareness. I spend more time fending off the reactions and attitudes and behavior of others who do not reach beyond the banalities of this typical world we roam around in on a daily basis. its exhausting. I am not saying that i think i am better. We are all the same.  Most do not realize this though.  I am tired. If i were closer in proximity to you then perhaps i could bear this world a bit better with your sense of humor to keep me going.

I know i may seem self centered at times by not asking the typical questions most people ask in such correspondences like” how is the husband and grandchildren yada yada” , but my heart is stuck to what we have connected on.  I do care how your life is going. I care that you are at peace and that you are joyful.  I care mostly about what you have to teach me and how i can be better as a result of my exposure to you. I miss you. How perfectly suitable that the song” Waiting on a world to change ” just came on the  satellite radio.  Of all the mysteries in this world i am most baffled that i managed to survive to this ripe old age of 40 without totally losing track of all my basic senses and awareness. Thank you for all them prayers …haha. they are working so far. (many may dispute this statement but i prefer to selectively overlook such narrow minded individuals. 😉 Do you hear me? Can you feel the strong vibes i am sending you? I love you by the way . Beyond this galaxy.

reaching higher…

The ancient Mayans believed as the native Americans today still believe  that life and the path we find ourselves on is all about remembering.  They believe that all the truth and Knowledge of the universe and of all our yesterdays and tomorrows is  within us.   etched in our DNA.  They believe that all we need to know …we already know if only we would peel back the layers we have wrapped ourselves in , we would find the truth, the tools, the ultimate in who we really are and who we are meant to be.  Why do we try to so hard to forget when our very essence holds all this truth?  Truth is not relative to the seeker. Your truth may allow you to see that all plants and trees of this world are actually black, yet from the beginning of time the general truth is that all plants and trees are green. Is there only one truth? Perhaps if we all find our truth we can find how it blends perfectly with everyone else’s truth once they find and live it?  In my search for remembering the ultimate truth of my existence, my path, i am forced to remember where it all started for me. Where this path of mine began. Where i came from.  The memories do not come in chronological order for me.  LIke flashbacks  swift and random they inundate me whenever they choose. Or am i the one choosing these moments of remembering?

Terry(short for Tyrone) was in the living room.  I was hiding behind the couch.  i can still hear my sister Keller screaming.  The pounding of my heart nearly drowned her out as i could hear it beating loud from my ears, my chest, my skin.  Terry was laughing and before i ran behind the couch i saw the look of pleasure on his face. Even at age 7 i knew to question what is wrong with someone who would find pleasure in such morbidly grotesque behavior. I do not remember where my brother Mitchell was.  I knew i was NOT dreaming and this was really happening. I knew Terry was a monster but i wasn’t old enough yet to think ten steps ahead of the game in order to guess what might happen next.  That came later.  My mind was racing yet it seemed i could not form one complete thought.  This was my first memory of experiencing panic.  Mom was never home and my bully (mild understatement) brother Terry was up to his mind games with us.  He came up with the idea to take his own fecal matter and chase us around the house with it.  He kept yelling that he was gonna make me wear it, make me taste it.  Are there words to describe a seven year old girls moment of terror?  I tried to reason with myself that at least he wasn’t angry and ready to use one of us as a punching bag.  I tried to wrap my brain around the idea that he was going to catch me being soo much bigger and stronger.  I tried to prepare myself to accept that he was going to smear this disgusting handful of feces all over me.  Moments like these offer more challenges than opportunity to gain gifts and strengths as its so difficult to know what good can come from surviving this kind of traumatic torture. More often than not, children who grow up in this environment tend to remain more damaged than strengthened.  Retelling the memory forces a surviver to relive every moment described.  I am still unsure if i really gained anything positive or productive from that experience.  Perhaps the gift i received was hidden in the strength required to endure it?

Down with the white man.

People do not want to hear the truth. Not about themselves or the world around them.  We have arrived to a time in our existence where EGO is everything.  Politically correct really means : “Walk softly around someones EGO”  Politicians do not get elected into office because of the bravery in speaking the truth. They are PAID to massage the general mass EGO of our society. Why are you soooo proud to be an American? because some white guy came from another country and bullied thier way into a land ALREADY inhabited by natives and created war in order to draw a line in the damn dirt to say”This is now MY land” Does anyone ever ask WHY we are really here? A line drawn in the sand should have NO bearing on whether you are an American or not. You are a part of the HUMAN race. There are no boundaries in the night sky. There are no borders beyond this world that allow you to proclaim your stake in anything. What does ANYONE really OWN?? Im disgusted in this moment of people’s blind obedience to the “American Way”. HOw easy is it for YOU to obtain your fuel, your water, your food? What have you really done to be so proud of? How many people across the planet suffer at your hands so that you may enjoy convenience, technology, effortless nourishment?  What have you REALLY taught your children? To work hard for a system that will ultimately find a place in the consumer world for them once they are grown? What if it all changed? What would you do if suddenly you could NOT go to a grocery store and buy all your shitty tv dinners?  What if there was no longer ANY electricity to buy? How would you survive? How do you think much of the rest of the planet survives? Why did you choose to see that animals are of lesser value than human life? What is your life about really? If you spent more time on these matters then you would surely not have near the time to stress about how you will afford to pay your bills.  So your kid is an honor roll student. What the hell will that mean in the here after?  Yet you blow up your kids egos with false praises and unearned accolades brainwashing them into believing they are amazing and to believe they should be PROUD to be an American. This country will step on anyone and anything in the world to further its plan for progress. How did civilization survive this far without the almighty dollar?  We spend all our time raising money for causes that could be worthless if we would only STOP making choices which create the need to create the almighty cause.  The white man has time and again proven to be the major culprit in every war, every environmental disaster, every racial uprising or oppression, every DIS EASE we have today is a result of choices made by the white man to further technology.  There was never an epidemic of ADHD or bi polar disorder as there is today. The poor folk are NOT the drain on society you have been programmed to believe. Its the rich , gluttonous white man who distorts everything so that it may be easier to have more than everyone else. There is NO food shortage contrary to all the claims made by charities inundating the cable channels around the globe. Americans WASTE more food they share.  We strip the lands of other people of nutrients and vital medicines so that we may have more gold to sell. We dump more toxic waste into communities so that you have easier access to fuel for your automobile. Most of us born into this way of life have to fight twice as hard to live more mindful of others or fight even harder to get out so that we do not continue to feed the monster the “American Way ” has created. I live in a household with a budget of nearly one hundred thousand dollars. Yet, i’m expected to bring in money to add to this pile of money in order to gain ANY respect from my in laws or our friends in the community.  Unless their is a dollar figure attached to my life then i do not count. I am considered a burden on someone in this out of control financial world we live in.  To walk away means to walk away from my children who are already programmed into this way of life. To walk away is to leave my husband who is an even bigger blind slave to the money monster yet evolving in his path his own way and a wonderful human being undeserving of being abandoned because his wife hates bowing down to this greedy nation. Noone respects the man who is willing to live with nothing and scale back the life of the American consumer. If you want the poisons and chemicals kept out of your food it will cost you twice as much money.  Which requires you to work twice as hard to pay for it. You live like this day in and day out to eventually die leaving nothing behind but bills or money you didnt  spend.To question this madness is to throw yourselves to the white man for judgement and ridicule.  Americans fight about healthcare when the TRUTH is YOU DO NOT NEED IT PEOPLE.  YOu need to eat less crap and get off your ass and burn off the cholesterol and calories by working hard and let your body operate the way it was CREATED to operate.  Diabetes does not have to exist AT ALL.   Heart DIS EASE is your body telling you that you are living wrong. Why are there so many people wearing prescription glasses?  Our world tells us we need all this healthcare and all these shots and all this fake medicine to really say that we were created to be an INFERIOR creation and unless humans intervene then we will NOT survive? bullshit. Thats right. I am calling bullshit. Yet many believe we are the master of all creation on this planet and plants and animals are beneath us.(How would you live if not for the animals and plants you eat?) Imagine how well the rest of life on this planet has faired WITHOUT regular doctor visits and human intervention. IN SPITE of humans involvement in this world its a MIRACLE that life has sustained itself thus far.  Even the so called ENVIRONMENTAL activists will drive across thirteen states to stand and protest against big oil.. Wake up dumbass…the cause you stand for is forcing you to still feed the monster you fight against!  God forbid we suggest people turn off air conditioning. scale back to live OFF the land and WITH the land. Then who would get to be the big shot if everyone were truly equal?  Why are you really proud of your kids who have grown to be successful artists or businessmen and women or wealthy homeowners?  Why are they better than anyone else? because they are further ahead in the money game? they have learned to be better consumers of garbage? Its graduation time and all i hear is how PROUD everyone is that their kids are graduating. If you really think about it…why is that something to be proud of? What are you inspiring your children to be for others? How do they contribute to the over peace and unity of EVERYONE? Is my life better because i live in a three story house and own six cars and look flashy and dazzling in the family photo?  No WONDER everyone is depressed and on some kind of pill or addicted to alcohol , porn, shopping, dieting.  WAKE UP! This planet can only endure so much abuse before it revolts on us all. You watch the evening news with devastation over 250,000 lost souls killed from a tsunami. Yet you do not question why it happened or if it was a result of something that COULD have been prevented(choices YOU made).  You forget about the hundreds of thousands still suffering years later.  You might put a dollar in the bucket at the checkout counter to support relief efforts in devastated areas but overall you end up falling back into your daily lifestyle completely oblivious of the direct CONNECTION of your life choices and the ultimate demise of people who choose or born into a lifestyle that lives in harmony with this land we ALL call home.  i titled this rant “down with the white man” only to get your feathers in a ruffle. To get your attention.  Will you protect your ego so as to feel better about what you do NOT do for others or will you dare to ask yourself the questions i have proposed here? Until more people stand up for what is overall the good for EVERYONE and EVERYTHING….the ego wins and this life as we know it has been one huge waste of time created by something big and magical. We all deserve to know the truth. Can you really handle it? What are you going to do about it? I challenge you to consider doing something beyond attending some ridiculous occupy wallstreet event(faithfully taking a stop by WALMART to buy all your shit to camp out in the middle of some city proving to be as big of a contradiction in terms than you realize) true dat.

Osa’s medicine

I am still trying to grasp on the the reality that Osa is not going to be in my everyday the way he was until three days ago.  He would have been two years old in the third week of November. A Thanksgiving pup.  I begged for him from my husband who was not so keen on the idea of a dog(especially not a puppy) I wanted a dog for my 40th birthday but i did not want to worry about house training a dog in the winter season.  So i got him when i was 39.  I had been his momma for about a year and a half when we encountered a freak accident.  After returning from dinner downtown on a Monday night we greeted an excited little pup bouncing around on his run in the dark.  We had been gone from Thursday til late Sunday evening the previous week and he was perhaps thinking we had left again for another long trip?  He was still excited to play for a minute so i opted to take him outside one more time before bed to get out his excited and playful energy.  I opened the door to the back porch and he bounced out ahead of me.  My gorgeous yellow lab with his strong yet little and muscular body.  He has the eyes of a doe with black eyeliner and black lips with yellow lashes.  What a beauty. No sooner did i step off the last step of the porch when i heard Osa yelp out suddenly. I knew from the sound of it that something was definately wrong. I immediately called for him as i ran to him at the same time. He could not get up. I could not tell in the dark where we were that anything was wrong. I tried to help him up to get to more light on the porch but quickly noticed that he could not stand up. Once i got him on the porch he was in a bit of a panic mode and i noticed his right eye was tightly closed.  I ran in to get my husband to assist me in examining him and by the time we got back outside he was vomiting profusely. After rushing him to the hospital we learned that he had severe head trauma.  I couldnt believe getting smacked in the eye from running into a compost bin was now leaving my sweet little pup Osa fighting for his life.  He was in alot of pain and it was tearing me up. Less than twenty four hours later his condition was poor and he was still crying and lashing out so we made an extremely painful decision to end his pain by having him put to sleep.  I was in shock and felt as if this came from out of left field when i was not looking.  G and i sat in the car and held each other and cried after we dropped him off at his vets office from the emergency clinic.  We just could not make sense out of this sudden change in our lives.  Osa was with me in my everyday.  I worked in the woodshop to make stuff to sell and i grow food in our garden. I am walking everywhere on our property and Osa is always with me. I wake every morning and feed him and we walk together while the coffee is brewing.  I watch him as we walk and he listens to all the sounds come alive in the early morning around us.  He pays attention to me and waits to see if i will continue or turn in another direction. He tries to anticipate my every move.  He has a place at the foot of our bed on the floor during stormy nights. We were strongly connected. We gave him all day on Tuesday to rest in the hospital with IV fluids to offer him a window of time to make a remarkable recovery or for him to choose to move on from this life.  We were to head back to the hospital around 5:30 to check on his condition and explore options.  I was devastated. My husband suggested i build a fire and burn incense and tobacco and cornmeal prayers for Osa. I did this all day only leaving the fire to relieve my bladder and get more water to drink. This part of my day was surreal sitting by the fire on a warm sunny day completely engrossed in the moment i was having.All the other cares of the world were forgotten.  I was in a stupor about how this all occurred. Osa was my precious boy and i was watching him being taken from me in what seems the blink of an eye.  I could not stand the thought of him suffering as he already was and yet even improvement was not guaranteed.  In my selfishness i was not wanting to let him go. At this phase, however, i knew i had to accept that i was going to have to let him go.  So there by the fire i shed a million tears as an offering for Osa to run on from this world.  I wanted to first find a place in my heart to open and let out the reality of setting him free. He was never mine to keep.  This was so painful but i found myself releasing him to go on.  I had hoped that by the time we arrived at the vets office, Osa would have helped us out and made the decision to pass on his own without us having to decide for him.  I was not so lucky.  But seeing him there in pain helped us both find strength we didnt realize we had as his momma and pops and hold him as left this dimension.It was one of the most difficult and painful experiences i have had in all my forty years.  Going home was a whole new part of grieving as the evidence of the accident was everywhere still and his belongings to prove that he was  mine lay strewn inside and outside our house. It was tearing me up to see his dog bowls sitting there waiting for him. yet, i feared the sadness to be met by taking his food dishes away as a reminder of his absence in my life. Grief can put you down  hard like heavy rain soaking your woolen clothes. Heavy and exhausting and scratchy and cold. Osa’s beautiful face kept flashing before my eyes the whole evening.  I couldn’t sit with anyone to hold a memorial at his burial. I went and cried over him and said my goodbyes and i put some soil on him and turned and walked away.  I promised to come see him early the next morning when i could be alone and i went to bed.  the next morning i woke up remembering that i was not dreaming and Osa really was gone.  Tears began to stream again and i acted out emotionally against my husband to chastise him for leaving me in such a state of grief while he chose to go ahead with his plans to sample on the river with another colleague from the department of interior.  i was hurting and somehow lost my sense of normal behavior. I wanted others to hurt the way i was hurting although i was confused by it myself. I lay in bed trying to make sense out of it all and thought of Osa’s buddy Shady. He used to run to her and play regularly.  Her owner knew that if she did not return home to come looking for her at our house.   I wondered what she might think when he no longer comes to play with her.  This is where the story gets interesting,. I was trying to find the strength to get out of bed and do something with my day when my daughter ran in to my room to tell me that Osa’s friend was here. I was so surprised since a few hours before i had thought of her that i jumped out of bed without thinking and i ran to her.  At first i thought seeing her might make it harder for me but i could not resist being near the only thing i had to connect myself with Osa once again. She was her looking for her friend and one could tell by the sound of her cries that she knew something had happened. She was clearly acting as if she came to visit Osa. She is a beautiful full blood yellow lab but looks nearly identical to Osa in the face. the black lines around the eyes and mouth and the yellow fur and lashes. Shady was a big dog too. Her head was nearly two sizes larger than Osa’s who as a pup was already nearly sixty pounds himself.  She was about a year older than Osa but she maintained the youthful energy that Osa had and loved his playful personality. If he was leashed on his run and tangled up in the rain she would sit with him getting soaked also until someone came and untangled his line to allow him to seek shelter.  Shady quickly taught Osa how to behave and to stick by his family. He stopped running off after meeting her and he followed after her as if he were mimicking her every move except when called home.  Its hard to make sense out of a great loss such as an abrupt end to sharing life with a loved one. A dog is no different. There is a powerful connection between a human and their canine friends.  Words do not always offer justice to express this connection.  Osa’s unwavering devotion to our family and his dedication to protecting us even as a one and a half year old pup is ultimately what provided the portal for his departure.  His lunging after a critter in the compost bin and fearing nothing in his quest to protect his domain,is what led to this random freak occurrence which led to his death. Death is the ultimate shapeshift if you think about it. We are to remember as habitually as breathing that we are all on our way to somewhere else. I was never going to get have Osa as my dog forever. I felt moved to realize that Osa was bringing me this medicine of learning to let go.  Clearly at some point in my life i was going to have to accept the letting go of all those dear to my heart.  How loving of him to bring this medicine to me as if to say “you can start here.” Shady’s appearance into the scene the morning after Osa’s burial was no accident in my mind.  She sat by our door and whined for him. We could not soothe her with water or the company of us. She wanted Osa. We tried to tell her that he was gone. After i gathered my composure from being moved to tears at her crying out for him, i walked her down to the garden where his final resting place was. She sniffed around but still had it in her mind that it was time to run with Osa cause she began to run around the yard and look up into the wooded hillsides around us as if Osa would see her and come running too. We went back up to the house and it was then that i realized i would never again be calling Osa home. This overwhelmed me once again but i felt comforted that Shady was there next to me as i shed many more tears for my sweet little pup.  She stayed the night and woke up the next morning crying for him at six a.m. at Osa’s place on our porch. As the morning unfolded she lay on the porch next to me every so often looking back at our door and whining then laying her head down for a brief rest between howls. By lunchtime she heard sounds that called for her protective mode to kick in and she ran off. That was a few hours ago. She did not return. I was blessed to have her here with me and her being with me helped me make that final step of letting go a bit easier. I realized that Shady was hurting as bad as i was and she understood my heart.  She would look at me as if she were looking right into my eyes then come over to me and lick my hands and my knees.  i felt the comfort she was offering me. It was suggested to me that Osa left to make room for someone else’s path headed my way. I believe this is surely possible. What touched me the most was to see the connection Osa had made with Shady and the bond they shared. I do not think it to be coincidence that only a few hours after Shady’s face appeared in my mind that she showed up at my wasnt a common occurrence. I had asked Osa to say goodbye to me in my dreams the night we buried him(two nights ago) and wondered if this wasnt his way of coming to me once more through his buddy/girlfriend Shady.  He had no fear even though he was just a pup.  I see the connection with his bravery of leaving our journey early ahead of me to help show me the way. To help me see there is nothing to fear. he went first. Thats brave. I hear your medicine sweet Osa pup. I hear also that life is a mere spec of a moment and we are to live in this moment right here. The only moment we have. You are in my heart always momma’s boy. Thank you and your precious friend Shady for the healing and comfort you gave me to help me through this transition. I know he hears my heart and when the moment is right another dog soldier will be elected to protect our household when the moment is right.waheguru.