I swear with nearly all of me that the zombie apocalypse has already begun when i see more people around me with eyes glazed over everytime you try to speak to them. It wasn’t on the agenda for the day. It seems as if people allot themselves enough brain energy for the tasks they have mindfully planned out and beyond this agenda, any new dialogue or deviation in the program of events today will only add confusion to the poor saps. What am i speaking in regards to you ask? Currently my beef is the public school system. I may have mentioned in my last blog about the muggle world, that I have a severe disenchantment with the system as a whole. The government controls the education of our children and therefore can have more say into telling us as tax paying adults , how to live. The latest insult was when the school bus drove past my house, stopped briefly to tell my daughter(who doesn’t even want to be there anyway) that her bus was full and she could not take Isabella to school that day. She drove off just before i pulled back into our drive to find my child still standing there. I have to drive my middle school daughter a mile away from my house to the nearest bus stop because the mile walk has no sidewalks or even a shoulder for anyone to walk on and being that its just over the county line, there will be no sidewalks anytime soon. This makes the road far too dangerous for my children to walk home through. The “not so funny” twist is that the high school kids get dropped off after the middle school bus runs. The high school bus has to stop at the same location as the middle school bus. The high school bus driver will drop off the kids at that main bus stop and passes my house on her way back to the school or home to return the bus so she doesn’t make my high school daughter walk that last mile(just shy of a mile)she drives her to my home on the same route and drops her off. Along that drive she passes my middles school child walking to my house. I asked her if my youngest could just wait at the bus stop when she is dropped off at the end of the school day and then get on her bus as she takes my elder daughter home. She stated that she isn’t supposed to take LaLa home as its an unscheduled stop and therefore she cannot pick up my youngest and let her ride with to my house. The irony of the whole thing is that she is the one who nearly runs my kid over everyday driving my other child home!! The particular school i refer to is a few miles away from my home here in South Knoxville, TN. I only say this because anyone who gets a hankerin to inquire about this rotten school can easily look it up now. hehe. This is hands down the worst school in the the entire area. My children went from a smaller country school then to private school , then homeschool and straight on to detention….i mean South Doyle. I am sure it was named after some white man redneck who killed a bunch of Indians back in the day and made all his kin proud so he became famous for shooting a bunch of innocent people in order to establish his white family here in East TN. ugh. Tn has mentality all its own. If half of what comes out of the mouths of people here in TN came out of the mouths of people up north or out west , it would most likely be on the evening news and the companies would be under investigation or scrutiny with the watchful eye being the public. Here in TN, you can be as rude as you want or as shady as you feel by abusing even a small amount of power like working the photo booth at the DMV for example and because you have been there forever you are guaranteed that position as long as you show up for work everyday. Tennesseeans’ by and large are kind and welcoming people. That is because most of them now have transplanted from somewhere else.I digress. The first day of the high school year, i walk into my daughters school office and everyone looks like they have been drafted to be there. The only job where you get an entire summer off and your first day back you are already miserable and pounded out negative vibes??? One should be at least required to smile when greeting the public each morning at such a place of employment. LaLa’s first day of her senior year in a school where she knows noone, she began her unfortunate experience that day by being dragged from one end of the school to the other five times by all the teachers and staff telling her where she should go. Noone seemed to know. By the time she figured out where she truly was supposed to be it was the first room she went to that morning. The teacher nonchalantly passed it off as no big deal that she sent LaLa on a wild goose chase by saying she wasn’t assigned to her room. Being a new student should entitle one to some sort of guidance or special assistance as a welcoming to the new school. Every teacher assumed she has been to the school before and expected her to know the schools policies and customs as well as all the staff on her first day. Not one single high school teacher had enough environmental awareness to see that by LaLa’s confusion she might be a new student. We teach our kids that there are no such things as bad questions.Even in our adult world we still train our workers with this concept in order that they may be fully informed and properly informed so as to minimize or avoid mistakes that might lead to injury or whatever. But in this high school (and the middle school carrying the same name) you can be sure you will get scolded or insulted or even cussed at if you ask questions. Most of the time in my experience it has been that the teachers get insulted at my children for asking questions that seem simple or trivial to the teacher. Well if you a new student then you are left to ask the questions or ask find out from other students(this leaving you much more susceptible to getting in trouble for talking when you shouldn’t)My youngest daughter was asked if she was on drugs by a teacher in her first week of school because she asked him a question that insulted him. After a few days of this guy talking to my youngest daughter this way, he finally yelled out that she acts like she had never been there before. She finally stated to him that she was a brand new student to the school and the county. He was surprised. From then on he was much nicer to her and after a few weeks all the teachers realized that my daughter was a very well behaved student who actually participated in the class. She did the work. She was smart. Everything changed for her. LaLa was not surely so lucky. it seems when you speak out against the system to the staff of an institution who has become married to their job, the whole school flares up its ego and defends eachother rather than try to remedy the situation. I wrote a note to one of the teachers within the first week of school and since that day she has made it her personal mission to tease my daughter and talk against her in front of the whole class. Instead of realizing that my request may have had some validity to it. She had been basically expecting the students to sit and watch some film and complete a worksheet as the answers were presented in the film. After it was over she noticed most of the students had not finished the worksheet so she gave all the answers to everyone so they could fill in the assignment and turn it in. Personal finance became a required course for seniors for a reason.l Because so many young people are clueless about thier own personal finance and upon graduation , they tend to max out credit cards and find themselves unable sustain themselves financially in the adult world. Many kids ruin their credit shortly after becoming old enough to establish it. My daughter would come into her class and someone would comment on how much they liked her outfit ….the teacher would speakout in front of the whole class by saying LaLa was in the wrong decade in regards to the compliment a student made. Totally inappropriate. LaLa wants to be successful. Her Daddy only sees success as perfection in physical fitness and making lots of money and wearing the right labeled clothes. She carries so much pressure already to measure up to his impossible standards. Being a brand new student in your senior year and having no friends has got to be one of the most unfair parts of being a teenager. She is so amazing. This school does not foster anyones positive attitude. It does not encourage creative expression. It is a sinking ship consumed by stress over the terrible attendance by teachers and students. How can anyone expect decent results from a school and its staff members who cannot even see the importance of showing up? This makes sense to me. But by focusing only on attendance or tardiness is not the solution. This school is so preoccupied by these such numbers and improving them that they forgot about everything else. A student could be getting all A’s in school but if they are tardy even once they get in-school suspension. As long as the kids show up on time they can glide by everyday in this school because the teachers will feed them the answers in order to keep up numbers. The numbers decline then teachers jobs are at risk. The students may not be learning anything but the numbers look better. My daugher went from zero to failing in her AP English course because the teacher gave the students their first three grades from assignments they completed the previous year. Since LaLa was not at this school the previous then she had to recieve three zeros which brought her grade to a zero and school had only been in session for ONE WEEK! The instructor said it was a county wide policy and there was nothing she could do about it.
Against my personal convictions, I recently enrolled my two youngest daughters in public school. They had been homeschooled by me the previous school year. I think i need to start back a little before this to better paint the picture. I used to live in a county an hour east of where i live now. But a new marriage brought my new home here to the city. My girls had been attending a school system since elementary school in this county. I was their momma and felt that they should come live with me fulltime (though we had equal custody..a whole other story)and go to school near my home. I had all girls and it had been a battle dealing with my ex in regards to the needs of three girls. Especially needs he saw of no importance. He is a highly critical and pessimistic individual. This made it hard for my girls to talk to him and get things they needed. Deodorant is a need in this culture we live in but it is heavily laden with chemicals(the big culprit of alzheimers disease is Alum, aluminum) and he and i both had strong opinions against that stuff for the girls. The all natural aluminum free kind is much more expensive and with three daughters and myself using (Bobo wasn’t old enough yet but soon would be)the product its outrageous to keep in stock let alone sanitary napkins and such. He wouldn’t get them any for a long time so i was left to buy extra to send with them. Stocking two homes takes nearly an extra income to just keep up with girly needs if you can only imagine. We go the all natural route as much as possible but the cost is enormous. I digress. With constant little battles about this stuff continuously going on its understandable why Bobo and Lala wanted to live with me. His intense efforts to avoid any child support costs kept him fervently antagonistic about them moving schools. Our eldest daughter was already graduated high school and working towards college. Where she lived was her choice. Lala was in high school and it was understood that a court would recognize her as old enough to decide where she wanted to live. She felt in the middle. I didn’t want her to feel like that so i tried my best to let her make the choice on her own feeling no anxiety about me regarding her decision. But being an hour away , i would not be able to see her very often. She hated that school and begged me to take her out but she felt like she was choosing between parents who she had spent equal time with most her life. She has a big heart and though she hated being around him most of the time also, she loved him and didn’t want him to be alone. Amelia being much younger was the final factor. Ultimately, we settled out of court in order to keep the courts from seperating me from my children (judge was giving ex favor for keeping kids in same county school system as they had been there for so long regardless of what my girls wanted)and i agreed that Bella could stay there fulltime and go to school there and Amelia would come with me and we would get them time to spend together when we could. The ex would not allow me to put them in public schools if i wanted to settle because he had his mind set that the school system was much more violent and badly managed because we lived in the city. Well the school system we were moving from made more teen moms and alcoholics than they made college students and its still booming epidemic. He knew the school had let us down where our daughter had been but he would stop at nothing to set up a lifestyle of total convenience for himself rather than hear the heart of our middle child and how unhappy she was in this school. So Lala stayed in the high school she started in and little bit was put in an overpriced Montessori school halfway between both our homes. I was far more emotional about it than anyone and i felt more unheard and misunderstood than i had in a long time. But i put my best foot forward and tried to approach it with strength and optimism. As time went by Lala realized she should have chosen to come with us. Daily her father would make rude inappropriate remarks about her substandard fitness level(in his eyes) or he would hurl harsh criticism at her when she tried to vent about her tough day. He lived much closer and had a better chance to go to the school and speak on Lala’s behalf but he continuously told her to take it like a man and buckup. The Montessori school was a good school but it was not without its faults as well. Very very expensives with constant fees for fieldtrips out of state and camping with the whole school etc etc. as well as a breeding ground for wealthier spoiled rotten kids who couldn’t be made to mind because their parents were paying customers. Bobo was hitting puberty full on and suddenly encountered acne and needed deodorant now also. Using the natural variety can require you reapply it once more in the middle of your day. Being little and new to this puberty thing Bobo didn’t always remember to reapply at lunch. One of the kids starting taunting her about it and making fun of her acne. Other kids had their issues also but again it seemed that the school would go to great lengths to massage everyone so as not to lose business. Ultimately, Bobo was made to just put up with it. I found out later their was this huge rumor by all the students that two of the teachers were having an affair together and using school fieldtrips to have their rendezvous time together. They were even caught by students alone together late at night in a hotel pool on one particular weeklong travel adventure. The female teacher was supposed to be the adult guardian in my daughters room and when she disappeared my daughter and her friends went looking for her. blah blah blah. The total bill for one years tuition minus fieldtrips and camp and stuff came to $13,000.00 and between both schools who were by law given the right to keep my children for 8 hours everyday yet doing a crappy job at truly educating them(other than the cruel and unjust side of things or people) I knew i could do at least a job good as or better than these schools and it wouldn’t cost me 13 grand to accomplish it. I had to think of something that would work so that i could advocate for Lala’s behalf regarding the issues with that rotten school as well as make it feasable for my ex to be open to it. He was easy to anger and once furled up i knew he wouldn’t be eager to work at a change at all. Bobo was up til midnight doing homework every single night and grew quickly disenchanted with such a heavy workload all year and wanted a change. She liked some aspects about the school and loved the unique things this private school offered but she wanted out. My new husband and I had been footing the entire bill on this school and with two daughters entering college the next fall , even with his decent income we didn’t know where the money would come from. Still sharing custody(lawyers fees became the deciding factor in our settling out of court though i wish i had been able to get primary with child support straight from the beginning) the best option i saw was homeschooling them(many new programs for online school and now TN has an online public school program) where we could split the time , the commute, everything right down the middle. Lala would be happy and Bobo could have a less aggressive approach to the homework load. I cannot remember how I managed to get this accomplished but somehow my ex felt it was a good idea too and agreed that we pull the girls and homeschool. Often, depending on his mood that day, he spoke of his disdain for much of the crazy priorities of this society as well as the poor morale and the poor examples of professionalism in the school my daughter did go to. HOWEVER, soon after we began teaching the girls at home he changed his mind and began tormenting them about how they will not amount to anything and will learn anything…..He was especially hard on Lala. She is built thick and voluptuous unlike my other two girls and myself who are petite and thin. She is absolutely beautiful. Her face, her eyes, her incredible spirit and sense of humor…even her name. She is highly artisistic and driven. Being a music man his whole life ,one would expect her Father to appreciate all her artistic qualities.she was in band and had a fantastic ability to draw, create nearly anything. She had a perfect 4.0 and perfect 100 percent track record until her last school (her art teacher bullied her and gave her a grade to ruin her perfect grades though we felt it was completely undeserved.) Nothing she could do would please her daddy because appearance were everything in his family and they also had issues with her regarding her solid physique and if they wouldnt completely accept her than he surely could not. He was still trying to gain their approval himself. she was more of a reason why he felt he couldn’t get the approval he desired from them. That is my guess anyway. I would try to talk to her as often as i could over the phone. What seemed to bother her most is missing her momma and being in our positive fun atmosphere. It was hard for her to hear that we would get snowed in and go tromping off on long hikes through our woods in the snow with boda bags filled with hot chocolate and returning half frozen to a toasty fire in the woodstove and homemade food and movies…or we would go out to dinner every now and then. Her little sister Bobo would get to go out with my friends for pizza and such or the friends of ours that Lala adored would visit regularly and she was never here to enjoy their company. His house had no life in it. He kept it cold and it was quiet and empty most of the time and he rarely had friends over. She LOVED homeschool and was excited about possibly getting snowed in and all the fun things we would do that fall. Even though he began a long school year of scathing remarks and negative comments , Lala was happy. Bobo was as well. The truth is noone supported us except a few of my friends who didnt come around the house real often. My new husband nor my exhusband could be bothered to help with homework . They both had math skills that soared above mine but never offered any assistance once. My husband would come home and ask me how much homeschool we did. My inlaws would visit and question me as if they were also concerned if my girls were getting a proper education. My life was so busy and i was burning the candle at both ends and tired of all the hurt feelings Lala had to work through (i was the only one that would listen to her) and just completely exhausted with the rest of the demands of my life so i relented. I devised a plan with Lala that if noone would help us or support us and everyone wanted to be this way then we would talk of public school only if Lala was given an awesome graduation party by her Daddy. She knew i would give her one. What she wanted more than anything was to travel the world. She wanted out. She was sick of her Daddy always saying how he may never get to see any of his children walk down the graduation aisle. He laid it on thick of his disappointment( our eldest got pregnant as a teen and graduated a semester early so they would let her walk the graduation ceremony) as if it didn’t hold as much value if she were to go through the exact same ceremony only through her homeschool based out of Chattanooga. He was there and saw the elaborate event our eldest daughter experienced when she graduated kindergarten through homeschool. The ceremony was held at the Opryland Hotel in Nashville. I have never seen a high school graduation ceremony that glamorous. Anyway, the only way to quiet his mouth was to talk Lala into trying public school for her final year and graduation. Bobo had an increasingly hard time getting up during the day when homeschooled from staying up too late at night. Her studies were suffering and she made the choice to return to school as well because she felt if she were made to sit in a desk all day she would have no choice but to focus on her studies. She had deduced on her own that self motivation and a more lax school atmsophere were beyond her at that time. I told Lala that though she was going to a new school system in a new city that there was still good things waiting inside every challenge. With a positive attitude she could be anywhere and still be joyful. It was up to her. I let her know if she decided she could not take it any longer and wanted out that we would let her leave school. If everyone wanted to give us a hard time for this we would make them pay by throwing her a big party and by playing their game , Lala would be able to take her graduation money and go to Latvia or Sweden or where she wanted . Even if for a few weeks or the summer she could get out of the country . Enter: Lala /Senior Year/ public high school. omfg. What a headache. This is the part of my story where the adventure really begins. (in the next post though cause i have a client in an hour :)) (I swear though the way Lala tells her tales of each day would win contests if she were to blog about it. Hilarious.) til next time
So I do not know if i told you about my friend J. A few months ago, i happen to call her because she was heavy on my heart. No i didn’t. I sent her a text message as it was morning and i wasn’t sure if she was off her shift yet. She called me a few minutes later and I was so surprised to get her call that i immediately answered it. I remember her saying ” I am sooo glad you answered.” She told me that she had been having some issues for a little while but kept them to herself. Until recently, she was having intense dizzy spells . I think she mentioned a blackout episode while driving once also. The details of the conversation are blurry to me. She had told me that she had been in the hospital all night and they ran some test and found a mass in her brain. I of course made plans to head over to her house within the hour. I know there was nothing i could do but i could be with her and sit with her and listen to anything she needed a listening ear for. she told me that she had not told anyone anything yet because there was nothing to tell yet. This made perfect sense to me. She did not wish to alarm her only child Tara(22 i think) when she had almost no information. She knew it had to be serious on some level because it alerted her to go to the emergency room. This is not a common thing for Janelle to do. She had a tough exterior. I say “had” because i think its softening now. She wouldn’t dare let anyone know about her not feeling well either. Much less express her feelings about it. I personally feel responsible for not sharing with her that i think bottling up your feelings is detrimental to ones health. I feared she would not take it well and i did not wish to ripple waters with my feisty friend. I should have. I know better now to stand up more and to be more assertive. It was medicine that would have really helped her and perhaps having the knowledge may have prevented the illness she is battling now. After a massive ordeal getting clearance to get a good surgeon to look at her scans from the hospital, J found out that indeed there was a walnut size tumor in her brain. She was going to have surgery the next week. It all seemed to happening so fast it literally made my sight take a dizzy spin. It was not happening to me . I can only imagine what might have been going through her mind ya know? She is a nurse herself and has seen a great deal of sickness in her career. She was a medic for the green side for about ten years also in the military. I have told you about her before. She is the beautiful Cherokee woman with gorgeous blue eyes i told you about in the past? She was my supervisor when i first met her. She did my intake when i was hired at Royal Care. She is very strong yet very stubborn and loves to live on the edge and to roll with cats who are edgy as well. A single mother of one daughter(she was a teen mom)she worked many long hours and extra shifts at work. She related to me even though i was married at the time. Soon after beginning my work there my marriage took a major nosedive for the umteenth time and before i knew it , I was seperated and moving out . Meeting her at that time proved to be a blessing in disguise. We became close very quickly. She was smart and witty and beautiful and badass. Still is 🙂 She is about a year and a half older than me. I thought about her being my age as soon as she told me they were gonna take the brain tumor out. My vivid imagination was not much of a blessing for me at this moment that is for sure. The day before she was to have the operation, she had to get tests done and certain preparations at the hospital. I did not find this out til she was in surgery the next day but they found more cancer in her lung, her kidney, her lymph nodes and her face. This is the closest anything like this has really hit home for me. I have never been to a funeral. I have never lost anyone i loved through death yet. I have lost and grieved much loss and the death of relationships i wanted but this was totally a different thought for me to concieve in my mind. I realize more now than ever that my journey here is temporary. I knew this before all the recent events unfolding in J’s life but it still was tripping me out like i can not even express. I cried when i knew she was in surgery. I begged all my friends to quit smoking and start taking better care of themselves. Almost all of my besties are fatties who smoke and eat like shit and do not get their heart rate up outside of sexual activity. I know there are no guarantees of longevity. But i truly feel Cath that we are designed and created to live strong vital lives. I do not buy into this “i’m getting old so i just have to expect to fall apart” mentality.I am not old. Even when i am one hundred i will still be younger than a wink in time of all eternity. I fully plan to be as fit and vital as Jack Lalaine when i am an old hen.What is time anyway? I love what Moorjani says about it being nothing what we perceive it to be. She says there is no such thing as time. It all happens at the same time. at once. That all life, all things, all time are one. For where i am now in my life , this idea she proposes feels right to me. I do find comfort when meditating on this idea. J has done alot of research and investigating and came to the conclusion that chemo and radiation are just money making scandals and she was not going to take this road. I believe she wants the Gersohn(sp?) treatment. Different friends have been having various fundraisers for her to help pay for the cost of fighting her cancer however she needs to, feels to. I bought her the book Dying to Be Me that you recommended for my reading pleasure. I have been trying to hangout with her and of course willing to drive to wherever she is and bring her this powerful and inspiring book. Its been a futile effort. I even requested an address to mail her the book and a few other things i bought for her. I heard she is flying out today to Mexico today to get treated. I think she has been avoiding me because she cannot give up smoking and feels like i might judge her for it. I surely wouldn’t but i feel its my duty as her friend and sister to tell her its poison and she needs to stop. i never badger her about such choices. I am not sure really what is going on. I imagine getting this grave diagnosis comes with a whole new book of rules. I am sure she is busy trying to figure everything out but im insecure about everyone getting to talk to her. I do feel guilty for not attending the fundraiser events. But my life has been full and busy and planned out. Driving four hours to someones fundraiser for her all day is a huge commitment.I tell myself this but is this my way of coping with the madness of it all? Surely she understands that the world must go on its course in spite of the glitch in her system? I would never overtly verbalize this to her for fear of it being received negatively. Please know my heart is about love not judgement. I would want my loved ones to be there for me but i would understand that folks cannot all stop their life for me. I poured another sweat lodge this past Saturday. I set that day specifically for J per her request. She was in my last sweatlodge. Merely days before she found out she had a brain tumor. The willow branches that hold my lodge together were taken from the willow trees on J’s property before the bank foreclosed on her home. I felt strongly connected to her as i was sitting in the lodge preparing to open my ceremony before my guests came inside with me. I recognized that full circle of the medicine wheel in relation to my path and J’s and how those branches still give of themselves in service for us. I will talk to you more about the sweat another time. I knew i was connected to J in that sweat though and i trust that we did great work in our prayerful lodge on that beautiful and magical harvest moon. I am curious about how much work went into me realizing how connected we all are over all the years of my life and yet i feel so seperate from J in this path unfolding before her.I am trying to maintain that recognition and awareness of the absolute connection of all things to one another. Yet how can i not feel myself connected to her now that she has been diagnosed with all this cancer all over her body? I feel helpless regarding J. It would seem if we are all one then we could by our own faith and recognition of that oneness take our own energy and heal each other as well as ourselves. i truly believe we can heal ourselves. Her tribe, the Cherokee has become lost since the trail of tears. I wonder if that didn’t play a role in all of this? DIS ease is an outside manifestation of the dis ease inside of our hearts and our emotions and our psyche. Anyway, thinking of J intensely these days . Pray for her as well if you feel moved to my beautiful Cath and take care of yourself too. all my love
The summer is nearly at an end and I havenot heard your voice in months. I know I said I would email but I miss not hearing from you as well. I talk to you in my head a lot these days. Did you ever really exist? Are you just a figment of my imagination? What crosses your mind on sleepless nights late into the midnight hour? Perhaps you are detached from this knowing no one wants to know? I want to know. I feel like I’m going crazy dealing with the apathy of the world.zhow can I shine my light when I expend so much energy trying to keep it lit amidst a mad world working overtime to snuff me out? Has everyone lost their desire to find the greater purpose for our existence? How have you manage to live 15years beyond me and avoid insanity? No one wants to offer a genuine smile anymore. Most people we encounter are so caught up in speeding past us on the interstate or lashing out because we are impassable. Western culture has really spun out of control with self advancement and greed being the fuel that drives them. I dream for us to slowdown.downsize. Go back to tribes. What do yOu dream of ? Whose words are you soaking in these days? Lately I have been wishing we had time like we had when I was young and I could find shelter from the chaos in the world by hiding in the bubble we created together. A world of our own. I miss your warm andloving embrace. I miss being best understood by you. Whatever your path has laid for you I am sending my love and warmth across the miles to you. I was eager to see you in November.i haven’t heard anything more of us meeting halfway. I thinK of you often. I hope you know how truly magical you are. I am blessed beyond words by our encounter.though at times it seems only as if a dream I concoctedlong ago to escape the trauma of my childhood! I know I learned of real love once upon a time long ago. I’m in Asheville right now. I should be present in this moment. I shall try to arrive there now.know you are truly loved beyond measure. -me
I miss you.
I was reminded recently about our falling out. The running blog in my head felt sufficient to the expectation of you understanding my odd humor and poor choice of words. The intensely stubborn side of me said that it was as so because i felt punished already by not ever seeing you. I know i saw you at my wedding. It was such an honor to have you there with me. You represented all of my side of the family in attendance on so many levels that i felt anxious for you. I also realize i have not yet been married two years so it hasnt been forever . It just seems so. And when you reacted by disconnecting yourself from me then it felt almost like it was par for the course regarding the punishment i was already enduring by the distance between us. I do not really know what happened other than we both passed the test and came through with relatively minor denting. 😉 I am not getting enough sleep at night. I wake up a half a dozen times to slip off to the bathroom and refresh again with a drink of water. I end up staying up if it appears that i will not fall back to sleep. If there is light in the day then i will not sleep. I feel like i have accrued a rather large sleep debt. I wonder if we will feel more alive when we leave this place? When we leave our bodies? Will we remember each other? I wonder if we will remember more once the human form has been lifted from us? I hope i remember more than i do now. I am trying so hard to remember all that i was created to remember and i just seem at times like an exercise in futility as i constantly work so hard to destroy my ego leaving less room to peel back the layers to the heart of me and truly wake up. We are cooking food that i grew and harvested from my garden this evening. Butternut squash and zucchini saute’ed in veggie oil w some salt. Bella made homemade chocolate chip cookies and i cheated and had one. After i ate it the memory of how amazing it had tasted seemed to swiftly brisk away from me and i then wondered if i was gonna be enough sugar and stuff in that cookie to tear my digestive system up in the morning. I should have ate the cookie slower. Savored the experience more. Kind of like sex. It always seems to be sweeter when you extend the arousal longer and pull back right before you make the other person climax. haha. I know we do not ever talk about sex. Its actually a fascinating subject. A subject i for one am happy to be involved in on a regular basis now that i am happily married and can have all the unprotected sex i want and try whatever i want cuz we get to KEEP eachother.haha Seriously, if i were here in my head with you when i was with you then there would be no protective guard and casual conversation with us would include sex. Why do women never really talk about it? It doesnt have to always include extreme talk or whatever. I for one would love to know that i can expect some wisdom regarding the changes women go through as they get older. Unless you watch Oprah(which i havent in many many years) then where does one go? There used to be a closer sense of community among women as there were tribes and villages rather than large metropolises we call cities. There used to be so much more ceremony and honor shown towards natural changes and rights of passages celebrated for milestones long since died out. If i had my say, then we would live in a world where those customs were still regarded with honor and women would not be expected to operate as if it were any other day. When females first began their moon cycle then it would be a loving web of women embracing her entrance into womanhood. There would still be tribes. there would be NO WALMART. Everyone would have the same amount of everything. Men treated women with highest regard and recognized the importance of the yin and the yang. I am starting to sound like Alice in Wonderland. Dare i ask should you be surprised? I am forty now and my cycles are regular and i do not experience any obvious signs of menopause. But there is so much people could really share if they were not so addicted to distraction. There is so much improvement to be made and empowerment to inspire should we all see the value in moving to a more intimate and personal connection in our communities. I know i know . Opinions are like elbows…We did receive a small amount of rain here in our neighborhood that everyone seemed to get a bunch of today here in East TN.I need to get back into the shop for an hour or so then try to unwind before my brain wears out. On the chance that your open for it i have enclosed a bolus dose of love from my heart to yours. Even if you feel its warmth and light but are not aware of what just happened then i believe it still has a magical effect. May beauty and bliss surround you precious friend. truly.
Todays technology really has changed the way we all process communication. How long has it been since i actually heard your actual voice? We text and we email yet even email has become more of an old fashion custom. Its tough for me to believe that i am forty years old now. I feel just the same as i did when i was about to turn thirteen and we just met. Time flies as everyone gossips about! I feel as if i have spent most of those 27years waiting to see you again. I am ashamed at the jealousy i feel that others get to see your beautiful face every day or every week and i do not. I do actually see you everyday when i walk through my office there is the photograph we had taken together when i was 21. I hardly remember the picture but i remember you as if you are here next to me right now. I wonder if i shall ever truly understand how i could have found such luck to have met you. Your spirit has resonated within me for so many years! It still feels as if I won a major award or lottery by having the honor of a weekend getaway with you this November. Everyone should be this excited to be near you. Why did we not ever think of this all these years before? I do not wish to meddle in fear at this juncture in my life but old habits die hard and it seems everytime i get my hopes up then something steps in to disappoint me. I do not ask for so much in this life. Love is all there truly is. Thats all i truly want. I love you. More than family and more than friendship. From somewhere in the cosmos that i am still anxiously searching for. I have never heard of Chillicothe Ohio but if you are there and willing to see me then i am honored to meet you here. November seems a lifetime away. A bit of less interesting news is I have maintained a relatively healthy and peaceful digestive routine these days i am happy to report. HOw has your IBS been? I know that gluten and sugar and dairy are major culprits. I have cheated a little on the diet this time around but very minor infractions i assure you.I have recently discovered the love of homemade vegan pesto. I feel like i can eat like royalty and not hurt the next morning! I hope to have a greenhouse up by winter so that i may grow basil year round. Well, not just basil but it has me thinking of how i have limited time this summer to harvest the basiil supply i wish to consumme through pesto. hehe. How has your summer been thus far? I actually never minded the Michigan humidity. We had some crazy storms last night. This past week has wreaked havoc around the southeast with storms. A canadian cold front is predicted to move through and cool us off and if this is accurate then i am excited for the calm after the storm. My garden faired well and all my food is still standing strong so this gives me peace of mind. I have read more of Tale of Two Cities and its still a slow read for me as the writing is so old school. I like to read Dickens though as he seems to have stumbled upon a place in life and decided to step inside it to share the details with us. The way he describes what he chooses to describe and what he chooses to emphasize is amusing to me. I have been busy in the shop preparing for Floydfest at the end of the month. I like the positive response Dharma Wood is recieving but i have anxiety about the travelling and large crowds of people i will be surrounded by in a foreign place. The more i move inward in my dance and my path, the less i want to be around scores of strangers. I become more and more sensitive of the energy of others but i am not yet able to decipher what is actually happening with their energy. I know when i definately do NOT like someones energy and when i love the energy of other people no matter what impression they might give me. I can read through the obvious folks who let it all hangout through their ego or blind obedience of american culture and no idea as to what they are even doing on this planet.Harsh, ouch. I am guilty of this programmed way of thinking at times myself. I am not being hateful, just sharing my heart. Being so sensitive to this energy tho makes it difficult to acclimate to any social environment or scene. The more i learn about myself and others the less i want to be around the rest of the world.Not that i am better. I just prefer to live and surround myself around more mindful people. Does that even make sense? I wonder if Eckhart Tolle feels this melancholy? Do you? Neo stayed out from under the porch for almost an hour this morning and while the girls were outside with me! I was so proud of him. He was bouncing and jumping excitedly as if he were a young pup. He has been too shy to show his joy to anyone other than me. You could see how happy he was to be there with all of us girls and NO MEN to scare him. The girls are about to leave to their Daddy’s for the weekend and i can feel the sadness move in on me even though its been a dozen years of sharing them with the wasband. It takes me awhile to move through the unpleasant feelings and transition into a woman who has a date with her sweetheart tonight. it helps to have Neo here as our walks help me transition. When i have to talk or deal with most people during this time i am a mess. There is an advantage to having a seemingly eternal youthful spirit and also disadvantages. I may look young and have no gray hair yet but I should be able to transition with change better than i do. I would rather have gray hair and wrinkles. If G comes home early and i do not get the time to process this tough change inside me then i am a terrible date. I do not make alot of sense all of the time but it does seem to be a challenge at times in marriage. He does adore me though. Nothing special or great ever comes easy. I am blessed that G feels the same way. 🙂 On date night we like to keep it full of fire so i try to dress up in a pink or blue wig or some sexy outfit i could care less to wear on any other occasion; or go to a club to dance or somewhere kinky to misbehave for the thrill of it. I get stuck sometimes in that place of transition and the old feelings that like to try to haunt me of my precious little family all divorced and different. If i have too many phone calls to make before our date night it can really make it tough for me to prepare myself. i want to be fun and enjoy the fun we share on our nights alone together. There is much joy and fire and attraction between us that it can be painful to experience a stick in the spoke of the tires of our romantic rendezvous together when my heart wants to hold on to things at the wrong time. Oh to have all the wisdom of many years of marriage such as you do! I must run as i hear my husband coming home early as i suspected. I love you as big as the sky precious love! Has anyone told you today how truly magical and phenomenal you are? Please know that words cannot describe how amazing you are to me.
Temperatures remained at 106 degrees at 8oclock last night. I feel bad for not walking Neo as he generally does not leave his little cove under the porch unless i summons him for our walk together. I try to walk him three times a day but that doesnt always happen. He loves being in the garden with me. I work so hard in the garden but it never seems like enough. I know you probably think i am crazy…i am not worried a bit if i am even. I have been studying about Planet X and Nibiru. I realize there are alot of things out there that speak of things to induce fear as perhaps even another means of creating a market for some product they are trying to push or capitalize. But its not what i read that bothers me the most. Its waking up in the God hour countless nights/mornings. Its the dreams that are being fed back to me from my own memory of things happening that are happening now. The stuff we never talk to anyone about. Its knowing the imminence of something big but not remembering in the trueness of ourselves is all knowiedge and there is knowledge of something impending yet i can only feel it.The environment is still a grand conviction of mine. There is filth EVERYWHERE. This society of people have become so desensitized by it that it has become unnoticeable by most. July 1st and its expected to be 104degrees today in Knoxville. I have been watering in my garden to try to soak it heavily to endure another day of intense heat. I was extremely nervous being out in the heat yesterday. We went to see a friends farm down the road and he was showing us his garden the fifteen minutes out in 106 degrees with nothing covering my skin i felt like i was in the middle of a desert. The Mayans and the Khogi and the HOpi prophecy are all the same. We must stop the madness of this constant bleeding the Earth of everything. I have outgrown my simple faith over the years and my understanding has led me to the idea of a truth far bigger than organized religion has ever offered me. Until we learn that we are ALL one and stop what we are doing and stand still for just one *ucking moment than we are going to ruin this place and life for all things on the planet. Man has created a cancer on the surface of the planet and is digging in to cannabalize the rest of her. This is not about fear. Its about vision and preparation and oneness. I feel like i have wasted soo much time. I am still baffled though that my heart has sought truth fervently since i was very small and vision has always come to me in my dreams. Yet something has blinded me their is a veil between what the dreams tell me and a fogginess to feel any sense of power , or clear understanding as to the dreams meaning.Yet they continue to come. I am lost to deal with a people who is sizing me up and down and stuck on appearances and judging me based upon simple first impressions rather than any substantial effort to find out who i am. People are stuck in how you can make it easier for them to talk to you about stupid shit. People do not truly say “Its so lovely to be with you!” Nowadays, it has become “Hey there, how are you ? Thats a pretty shirt your wearing!” I want to say “I think it is that is why i wore it.” But this is considered rude. I have found myself in Alice’s dream and i cannot figure out how to escape ya know? Even the environmentalists do not care to communicate about why we are all here. Its not to live to be 80 and be old and die. Why is noone talking about why we are here? What about all the predictions? It does not take a shaman to see that its just a matter of time before we tip the scales and global disaster will be here. What about the question”whether or not one believes in aliens or calculated meteor collision predictions or global warming or Hunab Ku What plan do we have in place should such an epic event occur?” EVEN IF WE NEVER USE IT. The best i know to do is to meditate and prepare myself and do all i know i can to help others awaken to the idea that our civilization is in trouble and WE CAN CHANGE IT. On a lighter note, i started reading Carlos Castenada again. Between working in the shop and kids and garden and walking the dog and trying to cook good food , blah blah blah my reading is at a snails pace. I take the girls once a week to the library and they all maintain a big love for books. I first heard of Carlos Castenada from you. These hot days would be perfect for sitting under those trees in your backyard on your swing and discussing great books you were always reading. I wonder what you are reading right now. A few days ago we were headed to a performance at the church that the girls were in. right in front of us as if time slowed down by some hacker from another dimension were playing with special effects, this king cab truck in front of us loses control and crashes into the hill aside of us. As it was flipping over, i could hardly believe it but instinct kicked in and i started racing to get my heels off and yelling at my husband to stop the truck and for one of the girls to call 911 and i flew out of that truck in my barefeet to the truck. though it seemed like seconds i was preparing my brain to see traumatic injuries and i was first on scene. We were on a blind sloping swerve and there was only one car behind me. I kept seeing a pileup and my kids getting squished while i tried to help these victims in the truck. There were three of them. Two huge guys and a tiny girl. All probably college kids or they were partying with the college kids at the condos where my stepdaughter lives(and we pay for…ugh) They were definately NOT sober because i was trying to see if they were all ok and one guy was telling the girl to back the truck up. A giant tree has totally smashed into the windshield and hes trying to get her to back up. He was bleeding from the head and about 6 foot 5 to my 5 feet 2 so it wasnt going to well. I left as soon as the ambulance got there to get the girls to the performance on time but i was again reminded of the brevity and fleeting of time. I was seeking my nagual and asking for it. Earlier this week i was woken up just after 6 in the morning by the call of a hawk. I went out by seven to walk Neo and the hawk soared above me making slow circular motions in the clearing at the bottom of our property. For days it has been with me all over the city it seems. I have been practicing second attention and imagining how awesome it would be to fly like a bird through the branches. Its as if i can see the hawk like i am sitting on the branch behind it as it cleans its wings. I see the leaves and all the branches and greenery below us. I can feel the breeze blowing through our feathers as we are perched up so high. I am still always left with the question…Whats it all mean? Do you journal anymore? Do you ever read your journals? I havent in years. I have journaled but not read old stuff. There is that dream i had of you years ago that keeps coming up in my mind at random times. I keep seeing you in a carriage as if the whole scene is from classical painting. I remember telling you of this dream. the part that keeps coming up is the carriage and the billowy clouds painted all around the sky. Now that i am thinking of it the dream was more about you being sick and losing alot of weight and I was coming to see you at the hospital and you at some point got in this carriage..its was euphoric being there but its crazy that it keeps coming up as if to remind me for some particular reason. You live too far away from me. I shall carry a lifelong selfishness to have more time with you. Noone even talks on the phone anymore. We try to do multiple things every day so texting is the new reality. I miss hearing your voice and the sharing of your thoughts on books your reading or that we have both read. And walking the dogs together. I talk here as if im 100 years old and on my death bed but i cannot help it. I envy all those lucky bastards who get to share so much time with you and waste it with banal shit. Or have grown accustomed. Every dog i have ever had has always had and uncontainable tail wagging joy when it saw me. for as long as i owned a dog or as long as it lived with me , this was something i could expect just as the sun rises and sets everyday. But people , we are selfish and spoiled and stubborn. We allow ourselves to grow numb of the things that once sent a charge through us. Like kissing. or Hugging or touching others or just being loving. We touch our children less once they grow from babies to big kids. My kids are still forced to put up with my affection but even i have become less hands on with my children and others. G and i are quite affectionate. but Its a vibe thing too. And the energy people foster within themselves by the food they eat, the thoughts they dwell on and the lifestyle they live ALL affect the connections between people. I miss the safe dome of protection around our connection when we were together as if it were just one world. You were always so very interesting to me. I wondered many times what it would be like to be friends with you when you were a teenager or even age ten. I dont dwell on the sorrow of the distance between us . Its just that i blinked and 26years has passed. I think on a occasion such as this that its ok to say i miss you. It should be allowed this one time. ti quiero mucho mi hermosa katarina.
10million trees were killed today. And 40,000 children starved to death today. This has been your daily rude awakening. That is all.
The temperature is predicted to reach 100 degrees today and its only June28th. For East TN this is a very hot forecast. These temperatures always cause people to use twice as much electricity to keep cool than a typical day in the low nineties. i am burdened with the planet heating up and people going about their daily lives as if there is no connection at all to the way we live and the Earths atmosphere heating up. Instead there are people running around to every store to buy everything they can to keep cool or what they think they need to keep cool. Using more gas and cranking up the A/C to fullblast and buying more and more throw away products. They are too hot so they dont cook. they will just sit in the drive through lane for twenty minutes to order fake food to take home to the family. Every step of this behavior only creates more pollution which further compromises our air quality. I do not justify the behavior of people smoking and making the rest of the nonsmoking world tolerate their pollutive smoke; but its really no worse than the nonsmokers trudging their SUV’s everywhere rather than staying put. How can we get people to see that we need a wakeup call? A major power outage would really get the attention of the drone ants out there who keep going without consideration of the rest of the world around them. The National Weather Center stated that we are expected to see temperatures rise to 108 by Saturday! I am sad to consider that my efforts are not even putting a dent in the state of our planet. I am at least consoled a bit by the efforts made within my family to keep the A/C off so far this year. We have a big house and it would costs hundreds every month to keep it moderately cool through the use of central air.I want to create an event to get peoples attention. I want to see how far this will reach. the Mayans , the Hopis and the Khogi Indians all predict that we will face “game over” this December if we do not change our ways this very minute. We all need to stop stop stop the madness of consumerism and convenience and sucking the life out of this massive amazing planet we call home(for now) We can leave differences in religion , faith and politics aside and all stand in unity together across this whole globe to say that a serious change needs to take place regarding all the natural disasters and the connection they have to our environmental issues and the horrendous pollution we are creating for nothing noble at all. I want to try to convince 1 billion people to shut down all their power for 24 straight hours. Turn off the main breakers in the house. The cell phones all go off for 24 hours. No peeking. Nothing plugged in your house should have power. Do not drive anywhere. pitch a tent if you have to. Do not buy anything or use anything electrical for 24 hours straight. Many will find alot of negative reasons as to why this is not a good idea or why it WONT work. I dont care to hear about it. We all WONT work if this emergency situation isnt tended to immediately. Many people will not even consider this challenge because they are too faithful to live through their ego to consider such an inconvenience. If we do not power down now then you can be sure its only a matter of time before the grid goes down due to system overload. I have been dreaming of this. For many many years. Many others have been dreaming of this same thing. its now really about convincing others moreso than it is about gathering all the dreamers together for one great common cause. You do not necessarily read the papers anymore or watch too much mainstream news broadcasts. You have been frustrated for years over all the severe LACK of real information in the news. You have grown apathetic to the common community projects because something inside you feels something so much bigger than you calling for attention. You may not be able to explain why you feel called to this challenge but you know within your very being that you are destined for this. You know who you are. You feel an imminent urgency of epic proportions on the horizon of our time here on Earth. You do not understand but you know this is a real feeling inside of you. Why are you here? Why are any of us here? to Watch tv every night and eat food prepared by machines then sold to us? Are we here to just simply exist day in and day out until we are old and then die? For such a grand place as this planet is, what a total waste of magic. Every day we do not quest to find out our reason for being humans here on this planet right now is another day wasted. Why would the Earth keep spinning for prime time tv? Why would it keep spinning for McDonald’s dollar menu? Or for the Lady Vols? The Superbowl? Mtv music awards? Christmas? is that why we are here? To collect as many christmases as we can? If this question strikes you brighter than it has before than i urge you to unclutter your life and remove all the distraction you can and consider why you are here? If you can find peace in the idea that you are not here to live the banal lives we have found ourselves in most of the day then what can it hurt you to take on this challenge? Consider that all the crap we put in our everyday is whats making this planet unable to sustain life. The water is undrinkable without intervention and treatment. The earth wont grow food unless you clean up your lawn. MOst people wouldnt dare consider even growing their own food. They were raised on grocery stores and they bore children and raised them on grocery stores and restaurants. Noone is expecting you to shut down your whole life. Its one day. 24hours of bicycles, and walking and hiking and resting and reading and praying and laughing and sharing and stopping all the noise vibrating throughout our houses this very minute. 90percent of the animals that onced lived on this planet are now extinct. Shame on you and shame on me. What if something wiped out 90percent of the human beings right now? That would get your attention. We are at the tipping off mark. Change has to begin now. That doesnt mean hold weekly rallies where people DRIVE cars and trucks and buses and airplanes to meet and discuss our global environmental crisis. It means do not stop even on your bike at any store to buy anything that requires throwing away TRASH . If you shut down it means you avoid all companies who have their power on. NO fans or heaters. No cooking with anything other than natural fire . NO computers, laptops, cellphones, mp3 players can actually hold power for longer than 24hours so it wouldnt hurt to listen to tunes in desperation. I believe we can find 1 billion people who see we are in a state of emergency. I would hope to have at the eleventh hour a global rally where we all stand in unison wherever we are and to be mindful of the power of one. of unity. If you are one who prays then you pray . if you or agnostic or atheist then you sit in agreement with your fellow man , beast and living thing. This is not going to be something to print millions of tshirts for. I hope not for this cause to go global only for people to spend more time sitting on their rumps over the internet or tweeting more. Technology has NOT made our lives easier. its created havoc on our ecosystem and only seperated people from the truth in connecting with one another. Why give our whole lives to corporations yet suffer to find one 24hour period to give back to our mother earth? without the nourishment of this planet then we are no more. NOw is the time to stop the clock. Before our time runs out. We are all dying anyhow , so why not spend some quality time trying to keep the clock going for others before the clock stops on its own?