Has it ever happened to you? You are walking along the street in the busy part of town and from around the corner someone enters your view and as they approach you, you feel a zap of electricity just by the sight of them? They turn a corner in their life that day and its as if they enter your life. It feels just like that. My first class of the semester and of the day. 9:10 a.m. and I am sitting in the chair waiting. From the left side of my peripheral view as if walking around a corner, this tiny woman enters the room and enters my world in that first glimpse and i am captivated. At first sight. I understand that the mind can play tricks on us but i have no explanation for the illuminated aura i saw around her. By looking at her, Even with a gloriously wild pile of black curls atop her head and nearly an inch of heel on her boots, she couldn’t possibly be five feet tall. I must admit i was completely attracted to her perfect face and skin and everything…but it really was something beyond aesthetics that enchanted me. Like the gears in me and my life were moving around as usual, then i encounter the mere presence of some woman I have never seen or met before and this unlocking inside of me occurs. The click clack clicking of an activation of a “something” perhaps dormant inside me …. nearly audible. I wondered if the same thing happened inside her? A crazy thought but at the same time how could such an impressive force act upon me and NOT be noticeable by her..by anyone nearby for that matter? Surely someone else felt that? I was sitting near the door and from where she taught the class i was some distance in the back of the class. It was distracting really because the rest of my classes were ahead of me and I could not stop thinking of her. Why? How could such an uneventful first day back at school suddenly take such a profound turn? There is no obvious explanation for it. I do not remember really anything she said that first day. I could not help but plant myself in the first and closest seat to her two days later when the class met again. Mostly i pick the closest seat in all my classes because i cannot handle the distraction of whispering classmates. Also, my vision is not the best so i prefer sitting up nearest the projector screen for the clearest view of Power Point presentations and such. This has become my set seat. After class had met three or four times It dawned on me that she would be on social media. Turns out we have several friends in common. Being my Art History professor in college i didn’t think she would add me but she did. I feel like I must exercise serious self control to not be myself around her as if i have known her for half my life. Another week or so passes and so I sent her the message ” We must be friends. It is meant to be. But i realize that you are the teacher and i am the grasshopper and so for now i shall remain your biggest fan(did i tell you what a big fan i am?)huge fan.” I did not expect a response and of course i did not get one. But it was as if she was suddenly in my everyday. This image of her remained inside my head from the moment i saw her and was replaced only when I was in her presence. I love history. It is amazing how much more interesting learning about something can be when you find yourself captivated by one teaching the material. I knew i had to not only pace myself but maintain some self control over my impulses to send her messages or emails or anything. At least until after the semester was over. It felt like i had known her and so my mind wanted to interact with her as if i had known her forever. She was interesting to listen to and usually added a little about herself each time she gave lecture. She had a great sense of humor. I so looked forward to this class every Tuesday and Thursday. I waited another week or so and sent her another message just so that she might allow my name to stand out in her mind more so than others. It was meant to be funny. How strange it was on another level that suddenly this educator -student dynamic had turned around in my mind, what might be otherwise an awesome meeting of new friends, now making me feel like some weird stalker. I have never been taken by someone like her. I had no reason to make myself feel like a stalker so i know it was not my doing. If i wasn’t trying to maintain this professional relationship, I would have already asked her to dinner, or a hike or to come see her.Anything. This was dangerously close to fucking with my mind if i spent too much time thinking about it so i just decided that this barrier between us til December was meant to be and enjoy the path i was on none the less.
The powers of observation are vastly underestimated in today’s world. Most people are so glued to their phones they have given up the act of taking notice of the rest of the world around them. Millenial’s are already losing the ability to read typical social cues. Being able to truly pay attention can allow for anyone to gain an upper hand in any given situation. I am a part of the “old school” generation before the days of smartphones and internet. It comes more naturally to me and so I have gained much by simply allowing my mind to recognize more detail around me in the world. It doesn’t take much effort for me to notice her though. I notice everything about her. Since first meeting her I have learned that she has several jobs and doesn’t seem to sleep. We have both things in common. She likes to wear mismatch earrings at times. Her middle initial is J and what it stands for I sure wish i knew. Janelle? Jane? Jean? The first woman i fell in love with had a middle name of Jean. Lisa Jean. The mind tries to create something when nothing is there to feed off. For the past two months I have spent two mornings a week with this exquisite woman and by not interacting with her beyond my student role, my thoughts have taken on a life of their own. Goddess help me. (to be continued)
It has been almost three months since we have spoken. I will always believe that our journey together was of a divine nature. I think of you nearly every day at least once. Its surprising to me what my mind chooses to remember and how well it holds onto that “remembering”. Most of our relationship resides back to the days of my youth. Flashbacks of memory have sustained my love for you. I am continuously curious as to how and why i hold onto you so strongly after all these years?? Who you are has been covered with layers upon layers of a changed life i know little about. Why does this love persist so pervasively inside my heart? Without effort i seem to cling to the lingering embers of an intense bond we created over 30 years ago. I have noticed there is a part of me that resents how the rest of the world got a piece of you and i did not. There is a magical fire inside you that remains dampered by the banalities of the culture around you. But who am i really to feel so free to have an opinion about your life? It felt so good to have you in my life all those years ago. When the world around us dove headfirst into distraction , we were swimming in a higher thought…or at least the yearning for higher understanding. It’s almost as if we let go of some things without thinking of it by reaching for new things. A deal we agree to from a higher dimension than this earthly place. If only my memory let go so easily. I have found myself questioning whether or not i created you in my mind as an illusion to propel myself forward during times of great tribulation and trials? My disappointment of an neverending longing to have you here in this life of mine is my only defense to the releasing of my grip on the stronghold of what we once shared together. Yet here you are in my everyday even now. Perhaps that was the deal we made? Your contract only guaranteed that you would remain in my world only to get me through those dark days? Maybe it is I who needs to accept that this part of the journey does not include you. apparently. You always hated to hear me say this but i surely “miss you so”. Love? Could there be a better word? Is that the best word? How can it be as there are no words to say it best how i feel? Will i ever share that again with anyone else? If only i could have a divine sign to guide me to a better understanding inorder to let you go. Something within me refuses to accept that you are gone from my path. More than anything, i wish to find peace in my heart that this stretch of the road requires you to journey with others. Will they ever open themselves up to realize how beautiful and magical and wise you are? Will you ever be loved better by anyone else? Surely there must be some explanation as to why our paths left such an etching on my very soul? I know you think of me. I feel it. I know you must feel me from where your heart beats. Will i ever see you again? It is not enough to have smoldering coals of the past…. I shall exercise greater patience and trust that our time will come around once again. Until then, i cannot help myself but to love you every day of my life. namaste.
I dreamt of you last nite. I do not remember any part of it except you were in it. My mind is consumed with thoughts of you. I desperately want you to reconsider the surgery. You do not have breast cancer. Sure BRCA II positive gene adds a little concern for me but not enough to volunteer a double mastectomy. To me, breast cancer is not any more scary than driving on the interstate with all these texting maniacs behind the wheel. Anything that comes out of my mouth is gonna sound like i am trying to talk you out of it. What kind of friend would i be if i were not totally supportive of your choice here to remove both your breast simply because you have a positive gene and your Dad died from breast cancer?? It is not my body so i am out of line to suggest you are being consumed by unnecessary fear. This is one of those moments in a persons life when you are gonna prove what kind of friend you really are. I would expect you to trust my decision and also to trust that i did not come to my decision lightly. I would need you to support my position. So here i am feeling like i am doing a poor job at playing this role with you. You are so priceless to me that its incredibly hard for me to imagine strangers/doctors cutting off part of your body when you have not been diagnosed with cancer. As awesome as doctors can be , they do not operate mindfully and intentionally. They are brainwashed by the medical industry. Today’s healthcare system does not even recognize the benefits of alternative medicine or homeopathic remedies for what ails us. You are texting me now and im so emotional right now i want to scream. I am also struggling to not let this affect how i interact with everyone else around me. I can briefly mention i am heading up North to be with you as you are having surgery but noone around me immediately processes much of this information and to keep this in mind when i am not myself, is just not a common habit in this culture. A less politically correct way of saying might be that they are zombies. If you elected to change your mind and not have the surgery, then should some unfortunate news of a lump find you in the future you have a high survival rate even with a lumpectomy. You mentioned to me that if something happened to Bruce down the road then you may have to face breast cancer alone. This is so NOT true. It feels to me like you are taking alot of “what-if’s” and picking the worst case scenario’s and creating fear within yourself. Its ok to be afraid. But to let fear control our lives and the choices we make does not serve anyone in a positive manner. What if you get an infection from the surgery and it attacks your immune system. You have taken so many antibiotics over the years that it will tax your body to the core to expose so much surface area of your chest to germs in the air during the operation. It is equally trying for me to come to terms with the idea that you are so worried about getting deathly sick yet you would have implants put in afterward to reconstruct your breast. The ones you have are perfectly fine. No cancer. just a positive gene presence. Will there ever be words or a way for me to let you know how much i love you to the very core of MY being? I believe ALL things are connected. This places a higher expectation in my mind of doctors to be aware of this and prayerfully operate. But ONLY when every effort to AVOID surgery has been exhausted first! So invasive, To volunteer the transition one goes thru of seeing their body all scarred up, to go through the emotional transition as well as what your husband will face, to put yourself through the pain and the recovery, the synthetic drugs and chemicals that will be used from now until you are healed, to face complications that may arise noone can see right now, all without any diagnosis of cancer to me is mind boggling. My position is to trust in the wholeness i was created to experience. I know you are not me and i am not you. We are so very close it feels as if we are one yet i realize you have a path that does not always include me. Perhaps in your heart but I have seen your beautiful face only once in years. I feel honored that you shared with me this part of your journey. In my selfishness i want you to see that you were designed to live a beautiful and bountiful life. Too many people buy into the notion that its just a part of life to fall apart as you age and expect you will be worse off than you are now. Many systems of faith expect us to believe in the existence of something we do not see and they cannot show us how to truly see this great entity that only they can help you understand but they expect you to carry this faith your whole life no matter how much it destroys the light inside you YET people as a whole should not expect their bodies to work satisfactorily while they are here? Why are we here? To simply work for someone all day nearly every day until we fall apart and die? It should be ok to ask these questions. Where did the question itself come from? My brain. Who put it there? Me? Not me. I found the thought but i certainly did not originally create the thought. Or did i? If we can create thought then surely we can envision and sustain through our mindset a vital and healthy life. Noone can foresee accidents that we may find ourselves in and facing injuries can change our whole lives. But if a gene can determine my whole future then i may as well bury my head in the sand with all the genes my family passed to me. Dying is a part of living. We are not guaranteed through a test that we will get cancer. But its a definite guarantee that we will all die one day. We will no longer be here. We do not truly know with our human minds where we will go or how it will all take place once we leave our physical bodies. There is much speculation about the moments after death and I have read many incredible stories about experiences that actually happened to people after they died and came back to life. I believe them. But each of their experience are not exactly the same. So noone truly knows how it all really happens until it happens to them. to you. to me. Does this all come down to some underlying fear of dying? I do wish you would consider my notions on healing ourselves and maintaining a healthy lifestlye and vital life throughout your whole life. Corporate America wants you to feel dependant on their healthcare. Their medicine. Their nursing homes. Their is a way to prevent the need for regular long term healthcare. Its great to have it but its not great to be so imbedded into it that your whole life is dependent on the medical world to keep you healthy. I am not suggesting my most beloved friend that you think this way. I just feel it is once again like the power of :”The Nothing” sweeping over the land . We are wiped out if we no longer think for ourselves or feel we can trust ourselves to maintain our own vitality. That is what a doctor should be there for. To prescribe proper diet adjustments for each symptom, or suggest links between issues goin on in ones life being linked to physical conditions, to offer the best opportunity and regimen to reach the best healing attainable. NO . Most doctors prescribe foreign meds they do not know much about as a solution to coping with different symptoms of illness. It is never about healing anymore to the medical establishment. How can so many people blindly trust people they do not even really know with their physical health and wellbeing? Again, i am not talking of this to accuse you. of any lack of careful consideration on your part. I am selfish where you are concerned and i want you to live forever. I will come up in ten days to be there with you. I hate that this is happening but i want to be there with you to pray over you and love you for a minute before i go back to my busy life hundreds of miles away. And spend another many years missing you and thinking of you and blogging to noone…as always talking to myself. Please do not have this surgery. You said that you have a peace about this that you cannot explain. If i said that to you i would truly expect you to trust in this . So i have remorse for my struggle as it appears i do not have peace and i should simply because you do. I want to. I am sorry that i am not more evolved than i could be for you. I again learn great medicine from you beautiful woman. So i will honor you by giving my best effort towards trust that all things happen as they will and we can only allow ourselves to be ok with whatever “is”. My gift to you is that i am going to be ok as i know you would be for me, Tiquiero mucho .
So I do not know if i told you about my friend J. A few months ago, i happen to call her because she was heavy on my heart. No i didn’t. I sent her a text message as it was morning and i wasn’t sure if she was off her shift yet. She called me a few minutes later and I was so surprised to get her call that i immediately answered it. I remember her saying ” I am sooo glad you answered.” She told me that she had been having some issues for a little while but kept them to herself. Until recently, she was having intense dizzy spells . I think she mentioned a blackout episode while driving once also. The details of the conversation are blurry to me. She had told me that she had been in the hospital all night and they ran some test and found a mass in her brain. I of course made plans to head over to her house within the hour. I know there was nothing i could do but i could be with her and sit with her and listen to anything she needed a listening ear for. she told me that she had not told anyone anything yet because there was nothing to tell yet. This made perfect sense to me. She did not wish to alarm her only child Tara(22 i think) when she had almost no information. She knew it had to be serious on some level because it alerted her to go to the emergency room. This is not a common thing for Janelle to do. She had a tough exterior. I say “had” because i think its softening now. She wouldn’t dare let anyone know about her not feeling well either. Much less express her feelings about it. I personally feel responsible for not sharing with her that i think bottling up your feelings is detrimental to ones health. I feared she would not take it well and i did not wish to ripple waters with my feisty friend. I should have. I know better now to stand up more and to be more assertive. It was medicine that would have really helped her and perhaps having the knowledge may have prevented the illness she is battling now. After a massive ordeal getting clearance to get a good surgeon to look at her scans from the hospital, J found out that indeed there was a walnut size tumor in her brain. She was going to have surgery the next week. It all seemed to happening so fast it literally made my sight take a dizzy spin. It was not happening to me . I can only imagine what might have been going through her mind ya know? She is a nurse herself and has seen a great deal of sickness in her career. She was a medic for the green side for about ten years also in the military. I have told you about her before. She is the beautiful Cherokee woman with gorgeous blue eyes i told you about in the past? She was my supervisor when i first met her. She did my intake when i was hired at Royal Care. She is very strong yet very stubborn and loves to live on the edge and to roll with cats who are edgy as well. A single mother of one daughter(she was a teen mom)she worked many long hours and extra shifts at work. She related to me even though i was married at the time. Soon after beginning my work there my marriage took a major nosedive for the umteenth time and before i knew it , I was seperated and moving out . Meeting her at that time proved to be a blessing in disguise. We became close very quickly. She was smart and witty and beautiful and badass. Still is 🙂 She is about a year and a half older than me. I thought about her being my age as soon as she told me they were gonna take the brain tumor out. My vivid imagination was not much of a blessing for me at this moment that is for sure. The day before she was to have the operation, she had to get tests done and certain preparations at the hospital. I did not find this out til she was in surgery the next day but they found more cancer in her lung, her kidney, her lymph nodes and her face. This is the closest anything like this has really hit home for me. I have never been to a funeral. I have never lost anyone i loved through death yet. I have lost and grieved much loss and the death of relationships i wanted but this was totally a different thought for me to concieve in my mind. I realize more now than ever that my journey here is temporary. I knew this before all the recent events unfolding in J’s life but it still was tripping me out like i can not even express. I cried when i knew she was in surgery. I begged all my friends to quit smoking and start taking better care of themselves. Almost all of my besties are fatties who smoke and eat like shit and do not get their heart rate up outside of sexual activity. I know there are no guarantees of longevity. But i truly feel Cath that we are designed and created to live strong vital lives. I do not buy into this “i’m getting old so i just have to expect to fall apart” mentality.I am not old. Even when i am one hundred i will still be younger than a wink in time of all eternity. I fully plan to be as fit and vital as Jack Lalaine when i am an old hen.What is time anyway? I love what Moorjani says about it being nothing what we perceive it to be. She says there is no such thing as time. It all happens at the same time. at once. That all life, all things, all time are one. For where i am now in my life , this idea she proposes feels right to me. I do find comfort when meditating on this idea. J has done alot of research and investigating and came to the conclusion that chemo and radiation are just money making scandals and she was not going to take this road. I believe she wants the Gersohn(sp?) treatment. Different friends have been having various fundraisers for her to help pay for the cost of fighting her cancer however she needs to, feels to. I bought her the book Dying to Be Me that you recommended for my reading pleasure. I have been trying to hangout with her and of course willing to drive to wherever she is and bring her this powerful and inspiring book. Its been a futile effort. I even requested an address to mail her the book and a few other things i bought for her. I heard she is flying out today to Mexico today to get treated. I think she has been avoiding me because she cannot give up smoking and feels like i might judge her for it. I surely wouldn’t but i feel its my duty as her friend and sister to tell her its poison and she needs to stop. i never badger her about such choices. I am not sure really what is going on. I imagine getting this grave diagnosis comes with a whole new book of rules. I am sure she is busy trying to figure everything out but im insecure about everyone getting to talk to her. I do feel guilty for not attending the fundraiser events. But my life has been full and busy and planned out. Driving four hours to someones fundraiser for her all day is a huge commitment.I tell myself this but is this my way of coping with the madness of it all? Surely she understands that the world must go on its course in spite of the glitch in her system? I would never overtly verbalize this to her for fear of it being received negatively. Please know my heart is about love not judgement. I would want my loved ones to be there for me but i would understand that folks cannot all stop their life for me. I poured another sweat lodge this past Saturday. I set that day specifically for J per her request. She was in my last sweatlodge. Merely days before she found out she had a brain tumor. The willow branches that hold my lodge together were taken from the willow trees on J’s property before the bank foreclosed on her home. I felt strongly connected to her as i was sitting in the lodge preparing to open my ceremony before my guests came inside with me. I recognized that full circle of the medicine wheel in relation to my path and J’s and how those branches still give of themselves in service for us. I will talk to you more about the sweat another time. I knew i was connected to J in that sweat though and i trust that we did great work in our prayerful lodge on that beautiful and magical harvest moon. I am curious about how much work went into me realizing how connected we all are over all the years of my life and yet i feel so seperate from J in this path unfolding before her.I am trying to maintain that recognition and awareness of the absolute connection of all things to one another. Yet how can i not feel myself connected to her now that she has been diagnosed with all this cancer all over her body? I feel helpless regarding J. It would seem if we are all one then we could by our own faith and recognition of that oneness take our own energy and heal each other as well as ourselves. i truly believe we can heal ourselves. Her tribe, the Cherokee has become lost since the trail of tears. I wonder if that didn’t play a role in all of this? DIS ease is an outside manifestation of the dis ease inside of our hearts and our emotions and our psyche. Anyway, thinking of J intensely these days . Pray for her as well if you feel moved to my beautiful Cath and take care of yourself too. all my love
I was reminded recently about our falling out. The running blog in my head felt sufficient to the expectation of you understanding my odd humor and poor choice of words. The intensely stubborn side of me said that it was as so because i felt punished already by not ever seeing you. I know i saw you at my wedding. It was such an honor to have you there with me. You represented all of my side of the family in attendance on so many levels that i felt anxious for you. I also realize i have not yet been married two years so it hasnt been forever . It just seems so. And when you reacted by disconnecting yourself from me then it felt almost like it was par for the course regarding the punishment i was already enduring by the distance between us. I do not really know what happened other than we both passed the test and came through with relatively minor denting. 😉 I am not getting enough sleep at night. I wake up a half a dozen times to slip off to the bathroom and refresh again with a drink of water. I end up staying up if it appears that i will not fall back to sleep. If there is light in the day then i will not sleep. I feel like i have accrued a rather large sleep debt. I wonder if we will feel more alive when we leave this place? When we leave our bodies? Will we remember each other? I wonder if we will remember more once the human form has been lifted from us? I hope i remember more than i do now. I am trying so hard to remember all that i was created to remember and i just seem at times like an exercise in futility as i constantly work so hard to destroy my ego leaving less room to peel back the layers to the heart of me and truly wake up. We are cooking food that i grew and harvested from my garden this evening. Butternut squash and zucchini saute’ed in veggie oil w some salt. Bella made homemade chocolate chip cookies and i cheated and had one. After i ate it the memory of how amazing it had tasted seemed to swiftly brisk away from me and i then wondered if i was gonna be enough sugar and stuff in that cookie to tear my digestive system up in the morning. I should have ate the cookie slower. Savored the experience more. Kind of like sex. It always seems to be sweeter when you extend the arousal longer and pull back right before you make the other person climax. haha. I know we do not ever talk about sex. Its actually a fascinating subject. A subject i for one am happy to be involved in on a regular basis now that i am happily married and can have all the unprotected sex i want and try whatever i want cuz we get to KEEP eachother.haha Seriously, if i were here in my head with you when i was with you then there would be no protective guard and casual conversation with us would include sex. Why do women never really talk about it? It doesnt have to always include extreme talk or whatever. I for one would love to know that i can expect some wisdom regarding the changes women go through as they get older. Unless you watch Oprah(which i havent in many many years) then where does one go? There used to be a closer sense of community among women as there were tribes and villages rather than large metropolises we call cities. There used to be so much more ceremony and honor shown towards natural changes and rights of passages celebrated for milestones long since died out. If i had my say, then we would live in a world where those customs were still regarded with honor and women would not be expected to operate as if it were any other day. When females first began their moon cycle then it would be a loving web of women embracing her entrance into womanhood. There would still be tribes. there would be NO WALMART. Everyone would have the same amount of everything. Men treated women with highest regard and recognized the importance of the yin and the yang. I am starting to sound like Alice in Wonderland. Dare i ask should you be surprised? I am forty now and my cycles are regular and i do not experience any obvious signs of menopause. But there is so much people could really share if they were not so addicted to distraction. There is so much improvement to be made and empowerment to inspire should we all see the value in moving to a more intimate and personal connection in our communities. I know i know . Opinions are like elbows…We did receive a small amount of rain here in our neighborhood that everyone seemed to get a bunch of today here in East TN.I need to get back into the shop for an hour or so then try to unwind before my brain wears out. On the chance that your open for it i have enclosed a bolus dose of love from my heart to yours. Even if you feel its warmth and light but are not aware of what just happened then i believe it still has a magical effect. May beauty and bliss surround you precious friend. truly.
Todays technology really has changed the way we all process communication. How long has it been since i actually heard your actual voice? We text and we email yet even email has become more of an old fashion custom. Its tough for me to believe that i am forty years old now. I feel just the same as i did when i was about to turn thirteen and we just met. Time flies as everyone gossips about! I feel as if i have spent most of those 27years waiting to see you again. I am ashamed at the jealousy i feel that others get to see your beautiful face every day or every week and i do not. I do actually see you everyday when i walk through my office there is the photograph we had taken together when i was 21. I hardly remember the picture but i remember you as if you are here next to me right now. I wonder if i shall ever truly understand how i could have found such luck to have met you. Your spirit has resonated within me for so many years! It still feels as if I won a major award or lottery by having the honor of a weekend getaway with you this November. Everyone should be this excited to be near you. Why did we not ever think of this all these years before? I do not wish to meddle in fear at this juncture in my life but old habits die hard and it seems everytime i get my hopes up then something steps in to disappoint me. I do not ask for so much in this life. Love is all there truly is. Thats all i truly want. I love you. More than family and more than friendship. From somewhere in the cosmos that i am still anxiously searching for. I have never heard of Chillicothe Ohio but if you are there and willing to see me then i am honored to meet you here. November seems a lifetime away. A bit of less interesting news is I have maintained a relatively healthy and peaceful digestive routine these days i am happy to report. HOw has your IBS been? I know that gluten and sugar and dairy are major culprits. I have cheated a little on the diet this time around but very minor infractions i assure you.I have recently discovered the love of homemade vegan pesto. I feel like i can eat like royalty and not hurt the next morning! I hope to have a greenhouse up by winter so that i may grow basil year round. Well, not just basil but it has me thinking of how i have limited time this summer to harvest the basiil supply i wish to consumme through pesto. hehe. How has your summer been thus far? I actually never minded the Michigan humidity. We had some crazy storms last night. This past week has wreaked havoc around the southeast with storms. A canadian cold front is predicted to move through and cool us off and if this is accurate then i am excited for the calm after the storm. My garden faired well and all my food is still standing strong so this gives me peace of mind. I have read more of Tale of Two Cities and its still a slow read for me as the writing is so old school. I like to read Dickens though as he seems to have stumbled upon a place in life and decided to step inside it to share the details with us. The way he describes what he chooses to describe and what he chooses to emphasize is amusing to me. I have been busy in the shop preparing for Floydfest at the end of the month. I like the positive response Dharma Wood is recieving but i have anxiety about the travelling and large crowds of people i will be surrounded by in a foreign place. The more i move inward in my dance and my path, the less i want to be around scores of strangers. I become more and more sensitive of the energy of others but i am not yet able to decipher what is actually happening with their energy. I know when i definately do NOT like someones energy and when i love the energy of other people no matter what impression they might give me. I can read through the obvious folks who let it all hangout through their ego or blind obedience of american culture and no idea as to what they are even doing on this planet.Harsh, ouch. I am guilty of this programmed way of thinking at times myself. I am not being hateful, just sharing my heart. Being so sensitive to this energy tho makes it difficult to acclimate to any social environment or scene. The more i learn about myself and others the less i want to be around the rest of the world.Not that i am better. I just prefer to live and surround myself around more mindful people. Does that even make sense? I wonder if Eckhart Tolle feels this melancholy? Do you? Neo stayed out from under the porch for almost an hour this morning and while the girls were outside with me! I was so proud of him. He was bouncing and jumping excitedly as if he were a young pup. He has been too shy to show his joy to anyone other than me. You could see how happy he was to be there with all of us girls and NO MEN to scare him. The girls are about to leave to their Daddy’s for the weekend and i can feel the sadness move in on me even though its been a dozen years of sharing them with the wasband. It takes me awhile to move through the unpleasant feelings and transition into a woman who has a date with her sweetheart tonight. it helps to have Neo here as our walks help me transition. When i have to talk or deal with most people during this time i am a mess. There is an advantage to having a seemingly eternal youthful spirit and also disadvantages. I may look young and have no gray hair yet but I should be able to transition with change better than i do. I would rather have gray hair and wrinkles. If G comes home early and i do not get the time to process this tough change inside me then i am a terrible date. I do not make alot of sense all of the time but it does seem to be a challenge at times in marriage. He does adore me though. Nothing special or great ever comes easy. I am blessed that G feels the same way. 🙂 On date night we like to keep it full of fire so i try to dress up in a pink or blue wig or some sexy outfit i could care less to wear on any other occasion; or go to a club to dance or somewhere kinky to misbehave for the thrill of it. I get stuck sometimes in that place of transition and the old feelings that like to try to haunt me of my precious little family all divorced and different. If i have too many phone calls to make before our date night it can really make it tough for me to prepare myself. i want to be fun and enjoy the fun we share on our nights alone together. There is much joy and fire and attraction between us that it can be painful to experience a stick in the spoke of the tires of our romantic rendezvous together when my heart wants to hold on to things at the wrong time. Oh to have all the wisdom of many years of marriage such as you do! I must run as i hear my husband coming home early as i suspected. I love you as big as the sky precious love! Has anyone told you today how truly magical and phenomenal you are? Please know that words cannot describe how amazing you are to me.
Temperatures remained at 106 degrees at 8oclock last night. I feel bad for not walking Neo as he generally does not leave his little cove under the porch unless i summons him for our walk together. I try to walk him three times a day but that doesnt always happen. He loves being in the garden with me. I work so hard in the garden but it never seems like enough. I know you probably think i am crazy…i am not worried a bit if i am even. I have been studying about Planet X and Nibiru. I realize there are alot of things out there that speak of things to induce fear as perhaps even another means of creating a market for some product they are trying to push or capitalize. But its not what i read that bothers me the most. Its waking up in the God hour countless nights/mornings. Its the dreams that are being fed back to me from my own memory of things happening that are happening now. The stuff we never talk to anyone about. Its knowing the imminence of something big but not remembering in the trueness of ourselves is all knowiedge and there is knowledge of something impending yet i can only feel it.The environment is still a grand conviction of mine. There is filth EVERYWHERE. This society of people have become so desensitized by it that it has become unnoticeable by most. July 1st and its expected to be 104degrees today in Knoxville. I have been watering in my garden to try to soak it heavily to endure another day of intense heat. I was extremely nervous being out in the heat yesterday. We went to see a friends farm down the road and he was showing us his garden the fifteen minutes out in 106 degrees with nothing covering my skin i felt like i was in the middle of a desert. The Mayans and the Khogi and the HOpi prophecy are all the same. We must stop the madness of this constant bleeding the Earth of everything. I have outgrown my simple faith over the years and my understanding has led me to the idea of a truth far bigger than organized religion has ever offered me. Until we learn that we are ALL one and stop what we are doing and stand still for just one *ucking moment than we are going to ruin this place and life for all things on the planet. Man has created a cancer on the surface of the planet and is digging in to cannabalize the rest of her. This is not about fear. Its about vision and preparation and oneness. I feel like i have wasted soo much time. I am still baffled though that my heart has sought truth fervently since i was very small and vision has always come to me in my dreams. Yet something has blinded me their is a veil between what the dreams tell me and a fogginess to feel any sense of power , or clear understanding as to the dreams meaning.Yet they continue to come. I am lost to deal with a people who is sizing me up and down and stuck on appearances and judging me based upon simple first impressions rather than any substantial effort to find out who i am. People are stuck in how you can make it easier for them to talk to you about stupid shit. People do not truly say “Its so lovely to be with you!” Nowadays, it has become “Hey there, how are you ? Thats a pretty shirt your wearing!” I want to say “I think it is that is why i wore it.” But this is considered rude. I have found myself in Alice’s dream and i cannot figure out how to escape ya know? Even the environmentalists do not care to communicate about why we are all here. Its not to live to be 80 and be old and die. Why is noone talking about why we are here? What about all the predictions? It does not take a shaman to see that its just a matter of time before we tip the scales and global disaster will be here. What about the question”whether or not one believes in aliens or calculated meteor collision predictions or global warming or Hunab Ku What plan do we have in place should such an epic event occur?” EVEN IF WE NEVER USE IT. The best i know to do is to meditate and prepare myself and do all i know i can to help others awaken to the idea that our civilization is in trouble and WE CAN CHANGE IT. On a lighter note, i started reading Carlos Castenada again. Between working in the shop and kids and garden and walking the dog and trying to cook good food , blah blah blah my reading is at a snails pace. I take the girls once a week to the library and they all maintain a big love for books. I first heard of Carlos Castenada from you. These hot days would be perfect for sitting under those trees in your backyard on your swing and discussing great books you were always reading. I wonder what you are reading right now. A few days ago we were headed to a performance at the church that the girls were in. right in front of us as if time slowed down by some hacker from another dimension were playing with special effects, this king cab truck in front of us loses control and crashes into the hill aside of us. As it was flipping over, i could hardly believe it but instinct kicked in and i started racing to get my heels off and yelling at my husband to stop the truck and for one of the girls to call 911 and i flew out of that truck in my barefeet to the truck. though it seemed like seconds i was preparing my brain to see traumatic injuries and i was first on scene. We were on a blind sloping swerve and there was only one car behind me. I kept seeing a pileup and my kids getting squished while i tried to help these victims in the truck. There were three of them. Two huge guys and a tiny girl. All probably college kids or they were partying with the college kids at the condos where my stepdaughter lives(and we pay for…ugh) They were definately NOT sober because i was trying to see if they were all ok and one guy was telling the girl to back the truck up. A giant tree has totally smashed into the windshield and hes trying to get her to back up. He was bleeding from the head and about 6 foot 5 to my 5 feet 2 so it wasnt going to well. I left as soon as the ambulance got there to get the girls to the performance on time but i was again reminded of the brevity and fleeting of time. I was seeking my nagual and asking for it. Earlier this week i was woken up just after 6 in the morning by the call of a hawk. I went out by seven to walk Neo and the hawk soared above me making slow circular motions in the clearing at the bottom of our property. For days it has been with me all over the city it seems. I have been practicing second attention and imagining how awesome it would be to fly like a bird through the branches. Its as if i can see the hawk like i am sitting on the branch behind it as it cleans its wings. I see the leaves and all the branches and greenery below us. I can feel the breeze blowing through our feathers as we are perched up so high. I am still always left with the question…Whats it all mean? Do you journal anymore? Do you ever read your journals? I havent in years. I have journaled but not read old stuff. There is that dream i had of you years ago that keeps coming up in my mind at random times. I keep seeing you in a carriage as if the whole scene is from classical painting. I remember telling you of this dream. the part that keeps coming up is the carriage and the billowy clouds painted all around the sky. Now that i am thinking of it the dream was more about you being sick and losing alot of weight and I was coming to see you at the hospital and you at some point got in this carriage..its was euphoric being there but its crazy that it keeps coming up as if to remind me for some particular reason. You live too far away from me. I shall carry a lifelong selfishness to have more time with you. Noone even talks on the phone anymore. We try to do multiple things every day so texting is the new reality. I miss hearing your voice and the sharing of your thoughts on books your reading or that we have both read. And walking the dogs together. I talk here as if im 100 years old and on my death bed but i cannot help it. I envy all those lucky bastards who get to share so much time with you and waste it with banal shit. Or have grown accustomed. Every dog i have ever had has always had and uncontainable tail wagging joy when it saw me. for as long as i owned a dog or as long as it lived with me , this was something i could expect just as the sun rises and sets everyday. But people , we are selfish and spoiled and stubborn. We allow ourselves to grow numb of the things that once sent a charge through us. Like kissing. or Hugging or touching others or just being loving. We touch our children less once they grow from babies to big kids. My kids are still forced to put up with my affection but even i have become less hands on with my children and others. G and i are quite affectionate. but Its a vibe thing too. And the energy people foster within themselves by the food they eat, the thoughts they dwell on and the lifestyle they live ALL affect the connections between people. I miss the safe dome of protection around our connection when we were together as if it were just one world. You were always so very interesting to me. I wondered many times what it would be like to be friends with you when you were a teenager or even age ten. I dont dwell on the sorrow of the distance between us . Its just that i blinked and 26years has passed. I think on a occasion such as this that its ok to say i miss you. It should be allowed this one time. ti quiero mucho mi hermosa katarina.
It seems strange as it always has writing letters to you because there has been an ongoing connection so strong since we first me that this letter seems far more for me and my simple understandings than a missive for you. 🙂 I last spoke with you via text message when Osa died. I still miss him. Strange things jog my memory of him. I was driving past a waffle house(we like to dub it the awful house)we visited the morning after he got hurt. We had to drive to Maryville to get him from the Emergency Care because they closed at 6a.m. and Osa was in too rough of shape and they didnt allow patients to stay. We had to take him from there to our vet in Seymour. I had not slept so this was quite an exhausting journey. We didnt know what to do after we left him and G and i were so emotional and in shock that we didnt want to go home just yet. So we went to the awful house. I am spoiled on organic range free eggs from our friends D and K (though i am vegan and rarely eat them anymore)that the eggs at the awful house taste truly awful. I drove past this new branch the other day and it made me miss him so bad as it reminded me of that morning. G took me home after we ate at the awful house then he left for work. I made a fire in the North all day for Osa( i guess for me too)I prayed hard that he would go so that i didnt have to make the choice to end his suffering. I guess that was his gift to me. To help me let go. The interesting turn of things had it set forth to bring upon a new dog soldier to our home. Neo. He is an Australian Shepard /huskey mix. Black with tan and white stockings on all four legs and tan and white cheeks. He has blue eyes with his lower right eye splashed with dark brown over half of it. I will have to tell you how he came to us another time. He is quite afraid of men. He is of strangers but he doesnt panic around females or kids like he does men. Isabella moved her toe on the footrest the other day and his whole body flinched. I keep coming up with these different stories in my mind as to who he was as a pup and where he may have come from. Everything about Neo is a mystery to me except that i know in less than one months time we have grown to love each other. G takes it personally at times that Neo is frightened of him but he’s patient with him. Neo teaches patience. Noone would dare lose their patience with him because you can tell it would make your own heart hurt worse than any mini panic Neo might experience. G and i had a fight recently after Neo had only been with us a few days. he ran and hid under our bed and when we yelled at each other he even growled for a second. I felt like a total failure of a human for feeding and ugly argumentative vibe and risking very fragile trust with my new dog soldier. There was a break in the rain this morning and so i decided to take Neo out on a walk as it was late and i usually walk him before eight in the morning. I let him off the leash last nite to enjoy being on our property. I had created a routine with Neo right away of taking him on a walk three times a day. We built up the distance so we could meander through the valley and wooded edge before heading back up the drive and around the small loop here on top of the hill where our house is. You could tell he was excited that i let him off his leash last nite. I was nervous to let him stay outside because in my selfishness i didnt want him to run off. I wanted him for my dog soldier/my friend…my pet. In the middle of the night the rainstorm welled up so loud that it woke me from a hard sleep. I yelled for Neo as if i was thinking of him even as i slept. I jumped out of bed and ran outside to call for him. In a few seconds he came bouncing out of the darkness towards the light i had just flipped on the porch. It took a few minutes of coaxing and a piece of turkey meat but i got him inside. He immediately ran under the kitchen table for safety but i was relieved to have him inside from the wild rain outside. That was somewhere around 4a.m. Pushing towards ten the next morning I was eager to get my body in that walk mode and to get Neo outside and one more day closer to being more comfortable around me and his new home. He loves to dart towards my bedroom and hide under the bed for twelve hours at a time …so though i felt like a bully keeping him from his hidingspot I thought it would help him avoid getting a big comfort zone noone could penetrate. I had the collar in my hand and of course he ran under the table again. Something inside of me spoke so audibly clear and knowingly that it was almost as if a message had been sent from my brain to my body and it obeyed even before i realized my idea. I put the leash on the table and propped open the door , stepped back to the edge of the porch and called for Neo. As i backed away he poked his head out to look for me as i called him. I decided that we had taken enough walks in this first month together that he has a good idea of where he is. Just as i had hoped he followed out of the house and off the porch. Our first walk side by side with NO LEASH! I was so happy that i bounced on our walk together and i even giggled out loud halfway through our route. he he . On our way back up from walking the front portion of our property we stopped in my garden and he hung out with me while i spent nearly an hour weeding the crops! We are building this connection and i think he trusts me better because i have learned to look straight into his eyes. This is hard to do with huskeys having two different color eyes. G has blue eyes and i have brown so i thought this to be especially sweet. I talk to him when we walk together. It helps me get out of my own head. I had to board him at our vets just two weeks after getting him and it was quite a challenge. I couldnt expect much support regarding my crazy feelings about it from G because he felt we should wait to get a new dog soldier until after a few of our festivals. I couldnt bear to have him put back in that disgusting cage(though a fabulous facility and program the animal shelter had) so i brought him home almost as if i had been hypnotized to do so. thats my story and im sticking to it. Seriously, he chose us just as much as we chose him. I am so excited to have him hang with me though. Of course he is at the moment back UNDER our bed fast asleep. 🙂 I have been thinking alot about you. When i feel overwhelmed as if the world is gonna swallow me whole i think how you may handle such a feeling. I wish i were near you because you make everything feel as if its gonna be ok when i am around you. Some things never change. I feel as if i am climbing an uphill battle of mindfulness in a world where mosts people are clueless to mindful awareness. I spend more time fending off the reactions and attitudes and behavior of others who do not reach beyond the banalities of this typical world we roam around in on a daily basis. its exhausting. I am not saying that i think i am better. We are all the same. Most do not realize this though. I am tired. If i were closer in proximity to you then perhaps i could bear this world a bit better with your sense of humor to keep me going.
I know i may seem self centered at times by not asking the typical questions most people ask in such correspondences like” how is the husband and grandchildren yada yada” , but my heart is stuck to what we have connected on. I do care how your life is going. I care that you are at peace and that you are joyful. I care mostly about what you have to teach me and how i can be better as a result of my exposure to you. I miss you. How perfectly suitable that the song” Waiting on a world to change ” just came on the satellite radio. Of all the mysteries in this world i am most baffled that i managed to survive to this ripe old age of 40 without totally losing track of all my basic senses and awareness. Thank you for all them prayers …haha. they are working so far. (many may dispute this statement but i prefer to selectively overlook such narrow minded individuals. 😉 Do you hear me? Can you feel the strong vibes i am sending you? I love you by the way . Beyond this galaxy.