I would UNSAY soo many of the things i have said in my life. I have been told as a small child from the extreme right wing church bunch, that because everything comes from thought, if you think of doing things wrong, than it is as if you have actually committed the wrong. But the truth comes after all these years, that it is FAR better to let the thoughts rest in your mind sometimes than to release them into the world verbally. I do not give a rats fanny about what Dr. Phil thinks about it. I will never trust a man who wears foundation on tv. HOw highly evolved and insightful can one really be if he is so caught up in representing a facade through his outward appearance? I digress. Pay attention to everyone around you. Stop zoning out in your own little view of the path for yourself and your family. We are ALL a part of your path. Especially if you are actually reading this. I expect i am talking to myself which allows more ease to tap into whats really eating me as i blog through it. It works. Go figure. So what am i thinking about this time??
I am thinking about what i am feeling and wanting to express aloud in this moment. I know for certain of only one thing. That everything changes. Putting words to my thoughts is unstable because no matter how strongly i feel about something right now, i will ultimately change my mind as time passes. Even if only in some small way…i will change. Whether i want to or not. HOw does one find peace however, in resolving through words things that are on our mind? Meditation? maybe. I haven’t made it there yet. How do i foster and nurture a stronger relationship in my marriage if i cannot discuss what is on my mind? It can be difficult letting troublesome thoughts rest in our minds without our feelings getting attached and spread the vibe of the discomfort from our thoughts throughout our body. My husband can tell if something is troubling me. He expresses true concern yet when he opens the floor for discussion its as if he is now offended about my position when i tell him what is on my heart. There is a craft one must learn i suspect in balancing the delicate scales of discussion of opportunities for growth and of the speaking of extraneous matter which distracts us of the main issue at hand. What am i trying to say? The half minded population ,like myself(totally mindful is the zen state yes? Nirvana? I surely only qualify as something beyond asleep and void of soul however you word it)at least sees the obviousness of some things being better left unsaid but some things fall into a grey area. In expressing myself to my husband I speak of things on my heart , yet i know not how to excise the flashing(extranneous potentially misinterpreted words) of content that distracts him from hearing my heart and understanding where i am coming from .Or at least making him less able to empathize with me. If i can be aware of this then surely i must be able to better master or maneuver this maze of mysteries in the field of relationships?If i say that his complacency is creating an issue , all he hears is that i called him” complacent” then he hears it as “lazy”. I want to say things like”Could you snap out of your zone for a moment to share a few minutes in conversation with me about the day?” I start out in the beginning of this small issue in our relationship by saying things like” i missed you today…come talk to me” or “Tell me about your day!” Over time one grows weary of always initiating this interaction and eventually i actually somehow say ” Unless something is entertaining or deemed worthy of your time then you just sit and zone out with solitaire or facebook”. like a vomit thy blech spills… take away emotion. Let all of it go somewhere else. exhale it. release it. Remind yourself that you both chose to love each other in spite of all the shortcomings you both bring to the table. Love bears all things. Now I have said ” You drive me crazy but i put up with it because i truly love you” You can pretty much surmise that this statement was NOT recieved well. How can i get this in my mind, but trip over myself when put it into action?? It would have went over much smoother had i chose to say”love bears all things” or simply said nothing at all. Because i would not be in this moment for long and if only i could let it pass in silence then perhaps it would have been like any other random passing moment? relatively uneventful. Then when the time came for my mind to move on and my heart to move and which altered the frequency of my vibe, i wouldnt have to do damage control over good intentions and my efforts to bring my relationships closer. ugh. I have learned that being right is never really a goal to strive for in a relationship. When one learns to let go and truly accept another for all the easy and not so easy then one learns to dispose of the “right ” thought altogether and just focus on the now between the harmony. Dare i say”lesson learned” ?
I dreamt of you last nite. I do not remember any part of it except you were in it. My mind is consumed with thoughts of you. I desperately want you to reconsider the surgery. You do not have breast cancer. Sure BRCA II positive gene adds a little concern for me but not enough to volunteer a double mastectomy. To me, breast cancer is not any more scary than driving on the interstate with all these texting maniacs behind the wheel. Anything that comes out of my mouth is gonna sound like i am trying to talk you out of it. What kind of friend would i be if i were not totally supportive of your choice here to remove both your breast simply because you have a positive gene and your Dad died from breast cancer?? It is not my body so i am out of line to suggest you are being consumed by unnecessary fear. This is one of those moments in a persons life when you are gonna prove what kind of friend you really are. I would expect you to trust my decision and also to trust that i did not come to my decision lightly. I would need you to support my position. So here i am feeling like i am doing a poor job at playing this role with you. You are so priceless to me that its incredibly hard for me to imagine strangers/doctors cutting off part of your body when you have not been diagnosed with cancer. As awesome as doctors can be , they do not operate mindfully and intentionally. They are brainwashed by the medical industry. Today’s healthcare system does not even recognize the benefits of alternative medicine or homeopathic remedies for what ails us. You are texting me now and im so emotional right now i want to scream. I am also struggling to not let this affect how i interact with everyone else around me. I can briefly mention i am heading up North to be with you as you are having surgery but noone around me immediately processes much of this information and to keep this in mind when i am not myself, is just not a common habit in this culture. A less politically correct way of saying might be that they are zombies. If you elected to change your mind and not have the surgery, then should some unfortunate news of a lump find you in the future you have a high survival rate even with a lumpectomy. You mentioned to me that if something happened to Bruce down the road then you may have to face breast cancer alone. This is so NOT true. It feels to me like you are taking alot of “what-if’s” and picking the worst case scenario’s and creating fear within yourself. Its ok to be afraid. But to let fear control our lives and the choices we make does not serve anyone in a positive manner. What if you get an infection from the surgery and it attacks your immune system. You have taken so many antibiotics over the years that it will tax your body to the core to expose so much surface area of your chest to germs in the air during the operation. It is equally trying for me to come to terms with the idea that you are so worried about getting deathly sick yet you would have implants put in afterward to reconstruct your breast. The ones you have are perfectly fine. No cancer. just a positive gene presence. Will there ever be words or a way for me to let you know how much i love you to the very core of MY being? I believe ALL things are connected. This places a higher expectation in my mind of doctors to be aware of this and prayerfully operate. But ONLY when every effort to AVOID surgery has been exhausted first! So invasive, To volunteer the transition one goes thru of seeing their body all scarred up, to go through the emotional transition as well as what your husband will face, to put yourself through the pain and the recovery, the synthetic drugs and chemicals that will be used from now until you are healed, to face complications that may arise noone can see right now, all without any diagnosis of cancer to me is mind boggling. My position is to trust in the wholeness i was created to experience. I know you are not me and i am not you. We are so very close it feels as if we are one yet i realize you have a path that does not always include me. Perhaps in your heart but I have seen your beautiful face only once in years. I feel honored that you shared with me this part of your journey. In my selfishness i want you to see that you were designed to live a beautiful and bountiful life. Too many people buy into the notion that its just a part of life to fall apart as you age and expect you will be worse off than you are now. Many systems of faith expect us to believe in the existence of something we do not see and they cannot show us how to truly see this great entity that only they can help you understand but they expect you to carry this faith your whole life no matter how much it destroys the light inside you YET people as a whole should not expect their bodies to work satisfactorily while they are here? Why are we here? To simply work for someone all day nearly every day until we fall apart and die? It should be ok to ask these questions. Where did the question itself come from? My brain. Who put it there? Me? Not me. I found the thought but i certainly did not originally create the thought. Or did i? If we can create thought then surely we can envision and sustain through our mindset a vital and healthy life. Noone can foresee accidents that we may find ourselves in and facing injuries can change our whole lives. But if a gene can determine my whole future then i may as well bury my head in the sand with all the genes my family passed to me. Dying is a part of living. We are not guaranteed through a test that we will get cancer. But its a definite guarantee that we will all die one day. We will no longer be here. We do not truly know with our human minds where we will go or how it will all take place once we leave our physical bodies. There is much speculation about the moments after death and I have read many incredible stories about experiences that actually happened to people after they died and came back to life. I believe them. But each of their experience are not exactly the same. So noone truly knows how it all really happens until it happens to them. to you. to me. Does this all come down to some underlying fear of dying? I do wish you would consider my notions on healing ourselves and maintaining a healthy lifestlye and vital life throughout your whole life. Corporate America wants you to feel dependant on their healthcare. Their medicine. Their nursing homes. Their is a way to prevent the need for regular long term healthcare. Its great to have it but its not great to be so imbedded into it that your whole life is dependent on the medical world to keep you healthy. I am not suggesting my most beloved friend that you think this way. I just feel it is once again like the power of :”The Nothing” sweeping over the land . We are wiped out if we no longer think for ourselves or feel we can trust ourselves to maintain our own vitality. That is what a doctor should be there for. To prescribe proper diet adjustments for each symptom, or suggest links between issues goin on in ones life being linked to physical conditions, to offer the best opportunity and regimen to reach the best healing attainable. NO . Most doctors prescribe foreign meds they do not know much about as a solution to coping with different symptoms of illness. It is never about healing anymore to the medical establishment. How can so many people blindly trust people they do not even really know with their physical health and wellbeing? Again, i am not talking of this to accuse you. of any lack of careful consideration on your part. I am selfish where you are concerned and i want you to live forever. I will come up in ten days to be there with you. I hate that this is happening but i want to be there with you to pray over you and love you for a minute before i go back to my busy life hundreds of miles away. And spend another many years missing you and thinking of you and blogging to noone…as always talking to myself. Please do not have this surgery. You said that you have a peace about this that you cannot explain. If i said that to you i would truly expect you to trust in this . So i have remorse for my struggle as it appears i do not have peace and i should simply because you do. I want to. I am sorry that i am not more evolved than i could be for you. I again learn great medicine from you beautiful woman. So i will honor you by giving my best effort towards trust that all things happen as they will and we can only allow ourselves to be ok with whatever “is”. My gift to you is that i am going to be ok as i know you would be for me, Tiquiero mucho .
I was reminded recently about our falling out. The running blog in my head felt sufficient to the expectation of you understanding my odd humor and poor choice of words. The intensely stubborn side of me said that it was as so because i felt punished already by not ever seeing you. I know i saw you at my wedding. It was such an honor to have you there with me. You represented all of my side of the family in attendance on so many levels that i felt anxious for you. I also realize i have not yet been married two years so it hasnt been forever . It just seems so. And when you reacted by disconnecting yourself from me then it felt almost like it was par for the course regarding the punishment i was already enduring by the distance between us. I do not really know what happened other than we both passed the test and came through with relatively minor denting. 😉 I am not getting enough sleep at night. I wake up a half a dozen times to slip off to the bathroom and refresh again with a drink of water. I end up staying up if it appears that i will not fall back to sleep. If there is light in the day then i will not sleep. I feel like i have accrued a rather large sleep debt. I wonder if we will feel more alive when we leave this place? When we leave our bodies? Will we remember each other? I wonder if we will remember more once the human form has been lifted from us? I hope i remember more than i do now. I am trying so hard to remember all that i was created to remember and i just seem at times like an exercise in futility as i constantly work so hard to destroy my ego leaving less room to peel back the layers to the heart of me and truly wake up. We are cooking food that i grew and harvested from my garden this evening. Butternut squash and zucchini saute’ed in veggie oil w some salt. Bella made homemade chocolate chip cookies and i cheated and had one. After i ate it the memory of how amazing it had tasted seemed to swiftly brisk away from me and i then wondered if i was gonna be enough sugar and stuff in that cookie to tear my digestive system up in the morning. I should have ate the cookie slower. Savored the experience more. Kind of like sex. It always seems to be sweeter when you extend the arousal longer and pull back right before you make the other person climax. haha. I know we do not ever talk about sex. Its actually a fascinating subject. A subject i for one am happy to be involved in on a regular basis now that i am happily married and can have all the unprotected sex i want and try whatever i want cuz we get to KEEP eachother.haha Seriously, if i were here in my head with you when i was with you then there would be no protective guard and casual conversation with us would include sex. Why do women never really talk about it? It doesnt have to always include extreme talk or whatever. I for one would love to know that i can expect some wisdom regarding the changes women go through as they get older. Unless you watch Oprah(which i havent in many many years) then where does one go? There used to be a closer sense of community among women as there were tribes and villages rather than large metropolises we call cities. There used to be so much more ceremony and honor shown towards natural changes and rights of passages celebrated for milestones long since died out. If i had my say, then we would live in a world where those customs were still regarded with honor and women would not be expected to operate as if it were any other day. When females first began their moon cycle then it would be a loving web of women embracing her entrance into womanhood. There would still be tribes. there would be NO WALMART. Everyone would have the same amount of everything. Men treated women with highest regard and recognized the importance of the yin and the yang. I am starting to sound like Alice in Wonderland. Dare i ask should you be surprised? I am forty now and my cycles are regular and i do not experience any obvious signs of menopause. But there is so much people could really share if they were not so addicted to distraction. There is so much improvement to be made and empowerment to inspire should we all see the value in moving to a more intimate and personal connection in our communities. I know i know . Opinions are like elbows…We did receive a small amount of rain here in our neighborhood that everyone seemed to get a bunch of today here in East TN.I need to get back into the shop for an hour or so then try to unwind before my brain wears out. On the chance that your open for it i have enclosed a bolus dose of love from my heart to yours. Even if you feel its warmth and light but are not aware of what just happened then i believe it still has a magical effect. May beauty and bliss surround you precious friend. truly.
Todays technology really has changed the way we all process communication. How long has it been since i actually heard your actual voice? We text and we email yet even email has become more of an old fashion custom. Its tough for me to believe that i am forty years old now. I feel just the same as i did when i was about to turn thirteen and we just met. Time flies as everyone gossips about! I feel as if i have spent most of those 27years waiting to see you again. I am ashamed at the jealousy i feel that others get to see your beautiful face every day or every week and i do not. I do actually see you everyday when i walk through my office there is the photograph we had taken together when i was 21. I hardly remember the picture but i remember you as if you are here next to me right now. I wonder if i shall ever truly understand how i could have found such luck to have met you. Your spirit has resonated within me for so many years! It still feels as if I won a major award or lottery by having the honor of a weekend getaway with you this November. Everyone should be this excited to be near you. Why did we not ever think of this all these years before? I do not wish to meddle in fear at this juncture in my life but old habits die hard and it seems everytime i get my hopes up then something steps in to disappoint me. I do not ask for so much in this life. Love is all there truly is. Thats all i truly want. I love you. More than family and more than friendship. From somewhere in the cosmos that i am still anxiously searching for. I have never heard of Chillicothe Ohio but if you are there and willing to see me then i am honored to meet you here. November seems a lifetime away. A bit of less interesting news is I have maintained a relatively healthy and peaceful digestive routine these days i am happy to report. HOw has your IBS been? I know that gluten and sugar and dairy are major culprits. I have cheated a little on the diet this time around but very minor infractions i assure you.I have recently discovered the love of homemade vegan pesto. I feel like i can eat like royalty and not hurt the next morning! I hope to have a greenhouse up by winter so that i may grow basil year round. Well, not just basil but it has me thinking of how i have limited time this summer to harvest the basiil supply i wish to consumme through pesto. hehe. How has your summer been thus far? I actually never minded the Michigan humidity. We had some crazy storms last night. This past week has wreaked havoc around the southeast with storms. A canadian cold front is predicted to move through and cool us off and if this is accurate then i am excited for the calm after the storm. My garden faired well and all my food is still standing strong so this gives me peace of mind. I have read more of Tale of Two Cities and its still a slow read for me as the writing is so old school. I like to read Dickens though as he seems to have stumbled upon a place in life and decided to step inside it to share the details with us. The way he describes what he chooses to describe and what he chooses to emphasize is amusing to me. I have been busy in the shop preparing for Floydfest at the end of the month. I like the positive response Dharma Wood is recieving but i have anxiety about the travelling and large crowds of people i will be surrounded by in a foreign place. The more i move inward in my dance and my path, the less i want to be around scores of strangers. I become more and more sensitive of the energy of others but i am not yet able to decipher what is actually happening with their energy. I know when i definately do NOT like someones energy and when i love the energy of other people no matter what impression they might give me. I can read through the obvious folks who let it all hangout through their ego or blind obedience of american culture and no idea as to what they are even doing on this planet.Harsh, ouch. I am guilty of this programmed way of thinking at times myself. I am not being hateful, just sharing my heart. Being so sensitive to this energy tho makes it difficult to acclimate to any social environment or scene. The more i learn about myself and others the less i want to be around the rest of the world.Not that i am better. I just prefer to live and surround myself around more mindful people. Does that even make sense? I wonder if Eckhart Tolle feels this melancholy? Do you? Neo stayed out from under the porch for almost an hour this morning and while the girls were outside with me! I was so proud of him. He was bouncing and jumping excitedly as if he were a young pup. He has been too shy to show his joy to anyone other than me. You could see how happy he was to be there with all of us girls and NO MEN to scare him. The girls are about to leave to their Daddy’s for the weekend and i can feel the sadness move in on me even though its been a dozen years of sharing them with the wasband. It takes me awhile to move through the unpleasant feelings and transition into a woman who has a date with her sweetheart tonight. it helps to have Neo here as our walks help me transition. When i have to talk or deal with most people during this time i am a mess. There is an advantage to having a seemingly eternal youthful spirit and also disadvantages. I may look young and have no gray hair yet but I should be able to transition with change better than i do. I would rather have gray hair and wrinkles. If G comes home early and i do not get the time to process this tough change inside me then i am a terrible date. I do not make alot of sense all of the time but it does seem to be a challenge at times in marriage. He does adore me though. Nothing special or great ever comes easy. I am blessed that G feels the same way. 🙂 On date night we like to keep it full of fire so i try to dress up in a pink or blue wig or some sexy outfit i could care less to wear on any other occasion; or go to a club to dance or somewhere kinky to misbehave for the thrill of it. I get stuck sometimes in that place of transition and the old feelings that like to try to haunt me of my precious little family all divorced and different. If i have too many phone calls to make before our date night it can really make it tough for me to prepare myself. i want to be fun and enjoy the fun we share on our nights alone together. There is much joy and fire and attraction between us that it can be painful to experience a stick in the spoke of the tires of our romantic rendezvous together when my heart wants to hold on to things at the wrong time. Oh to have all the wisdom of many years of marriage such as you do! I must run as i hear my husband coming home early as i suspected. I love you as big as the sky precious love! Has anyone told you today how truly magical and phenomenal you are? Please know that words cannot describe how amazing you are to me.
It seems strange as it always has writing letters to you because there has been an ongoing connection so strong since we first me that this letter seems far more for me and my simple understandings than a missive for you. 🙂 I last spoke with you via text message when Osa died. I still miss him. Strange things jog my memory of him. I was driving past a waffle house(we like to dub it the awful house)we visited the morning after he got hurt. We had to drive to Maryville to get him from the Emergency Care because they closed at 6a.m. and Osa was in too rough of shape and they didnt allow patients to stay. We had to take him from there to our vet in Seymour. I had not slept so this was quite an exhausting journey. We didnt know what to do after we left him and G and i were so emotional and in shock that we didnt want to go home just yet. So we went to the awful house. I am spoiled on organic range free eggs from our friends D and K (though i am vegan and rarely eat them anymore)that the eggs at the awful house taste truly awful. I drove past this new branch the other day and it made me miss him so bad as it reminded me of that morning. G took me home after we ate at the awful house then he left for work. I made a fire in the North all day for Osa( i guess for me too)I prayed hard that he would go so that i didnt have to make the choice to end his suffering. I guess that was his gift to me. To help me let go. The interesting turn of things had it set forth to bring upon a new dog soldier to our home. Neo. He is an Australian Shepard /huskey mix. Black with tan and white stockings on all four legs and tan and white cheeks. He has blue eyes with his lower right eye splashed with dark brown over half of it. I will have to tell you how he came to us another time. He is quite afraid of men. He is of strangers but he doesnt panic around females or kids like he does men. Isabella moved her toe on the footrest the other day and his whole body flinched. I keep coming up with these different stories in my mind as to who he was as a pup and where he may have come from. Everything about Neo is a mystery to me except that i know in less than one months time we have grown to love each other. G takes it personally at times that Neo is frightened of him but he’s patient with him. Neo teaches patience. Noone would dare lose their patience with him because you can tell it would make your own heart hurt worse than any mini panic Neo might experience. G and i had a fight recently after Neo had only been with us a few days. he ran and hid under our bed and when we yelled at each other he even growled for a second. I felt like a total failure of a human for feeding and ugly argumentative vibe and risking very fragile trust with my new dog soldier. There was a break in the rain this morning and so i decided to take Neo out on a walk as it was late and i usually walk him before eight in the morning. I let him off the leash last nite to enjoy being on our property. I had created a routine with Neo right away of taking him on a walk three times a day. We built up the distance so we could meander through the valley and wooded edge before heading back up the drive and around the small loop here on top of the hill where our house is. You could tell he was excited that i let him off his leash last nite. I was nervous to let him stay outside because in my selfishness i didnt want him to run off. I wanted him for my dog soldier/my friend…my pet. In the middle of the night the rainstorm welled up so loud that it woke me from a hard sleep. I yelled for Neo as if i was thinking of him even as i slept. I jumped out of bed and ran outside to call for him. In a few seconds he came bouncing out of the darkness towards the light i had just flipped on the porch. It took a few minutes of coaxing and a piece of turkey meat but i got him inside. He immediately ran under the kitchen table for safety but i was relieved to have him inside from the wild rain outside. That was somewhere around 4a.m. Pushing towards ten the next morning I was eager to get my body in that walk mode and to get Neo outside and one more day closer to being more comfortable around me and his new home. He loves to dart towards my bedroom and hide under the bed for twelve hours at a time …so though i felt like a bully keeping him from his hidingspot I thought it would help him avoid getting a big comfort zone noone could penetrate. I had the collar in my hand and of course he ran under the table again. Something inside of me spoke so audibly clear and knowingly that it was almost as if a message had been sent from my brain to my body and it obeyed even before i realized my idea. I put the leash on the table and propped open the door , stepped back to the edge of the porch and called for Neo. As i backed away he poked his head out to look for me as i called him. I decided that we had taken enough walks in this first month together that he has a good idea of where he is. Just as i had hoped he followed out of the house and off the porch. Our first walk side by side with NO LEASH! I was so happy that i bounced on our walk together and i even giggled out loud halfway through our route. he he . On our way back up from walking the front portion of our property we stopped in my garden and he hung out with me while i spent nearly an hour weeding the crops! We are building this connection and i think he trusts me better because i have learned to look straight into his eyes. This is hard to do with huskeys having two different color eyes. G has blue eyes and i have brown so i thought this to be especially sweet. I talk to him when we walk together. It helps me get out of my own head. I had to board him at our vets just two weeks after getting him and it was quite a challenge. I couldnt expect much support regarding my crazy feelings about it from G because he felt we should wait to get a new dog soldier until after a few of our festivals. I couldnt bear to have him put back in that disgusting cage(though a fabulous facility and program the animal shelter had) so i brought him home almost as if i had been hypnotized to do so. thats my story and im sticking to it. Seriously, he chose us just as much as we chose him. I am so excited to have him hang with me though. Of course he is at the moment back UNDER our bed fast asleep. 🙂 I have been thinking alot about you. When i feel overwhelmed as if the world is gonna swallow me whole i think how you may handle such a feeling. I wish i were near you because you make everything feel as if its gonna be ok when i am around you. Some things never change. I feel as if i am climbing an uphill battle of mindfulness in a world where mosts people are clueless to mindful awareness. I spend more time fending off the reactions and attitudes and behavior of others who do not reach beyond the banalities of this typical world we roam around in on a daily basis. its exhausting. I am not saying that i think i am better. We are all the same. Most do not realize this though. I am tired. If i were closer in proximity to you then perhaps i could bear this world a bit better with your sense of humor to keep me going.
I know i may seem self centered at times by not asking the typical questions most people ask in such correspondences like” how is the husband and grandchildren yada yada” , but my heart is stuck to what we have connected on. I do care how your life is going. I care that you are at peace and that you are joyful. I care mostly about what you have to teach me and how i can be better as a result of my exposure to you. I miss you. How perfectly suitable that the song” Waiting on a world to change ” just came on the satellite radio. Of all the mysteries in this world i am most baffled that i managed to survive to this ripe old age of 40 without totally losing track of all my basic senses and awareness. Thank you for all them prayers …haha. they are working so far. (many may dispute this statement but i prefer to selectively overlook such narrow minded individuals. 😉 Do you hear me? Can you feel the strong vibes i am sending you? I love you by the way . Beyond this galaxy.