It has been almost three months since we have spoken. I will always believe that our journey together was of a divine nature. I think of you nearly every day at least once. Its surprising to me what my mind chooses to remember and how well it holds onto that “remembering”. Most of our relationship resides back to the days of my youth. Flashbacks of memory have sustained my love for you. I am continuously curious as to how and why i hold onto you so strongly after all these years?? Who you are has been covered with layers upon layers of a changed life i know little about. Why does this love persist so pervasively inside my heart? Without effort i seem to cling to the lingering embers of an intense bond we created over 30 years ago. I have noticed there is a part of me that resents how the rest of the world got a piece of you and i did not. There is a magical fire inside you that remains dampered by the banalities of the culture around you. But who am i really to feel so free to have an opinion about your life? It felt so good to have you in my life all those years ago. When the world around us dove headfirst into distraction , we were swimming in a higher thought…or at least the yearning for higher understanding. It’s almost as if we let go of some things without thinking of it by reaching for new things. A deal we agree to from a higher dimension than this earthly place. If only my memory let go so easily. I have found myself questioning whether or not i created you in my mind as an illusion to propel myself forward during times of great tribulation and trials? My disappointment of an neverending longing to have you here in this life of mine is my only defense to the releasing of my grip on the stronghold of what we once shared together. Yet here you are in my everyday even now. Perhaps that was the deal we made? Your contract only guaranteed that you would remain in my world only to get me through those dark days? Maybe it is I who needs to accept that this part of the journey does not include you. apparently. You always hated to hear me say this but i surely “miss you so”. Love? Could there be a better word? Is that the best word? How can it be as there are no words to say it best how i feel? Will i ever share that again with anyone else? If only i could have a divine sign to guide me to a better understanding inorder to let you go. Something within me refuses to accept that you are gone from my path. More than anything, i wish to find peace in my heart that this stretch of the road requires you to journey with others. Will they ever open themselves up to realize how beautiful and magical and wise you are? Will you ever be loved better by anyone else? Surely there must be some explanation as to why our paths left such an etching on my very soul? I know you think of me. I feel it. I know you must feel me from where your heart beats. Will i ever see you again? It is not enough to have smoldering coals of the past…. I shall exercise greater patience and trust that our time will come around once again. Until then, i cannot help myself but to love you every day of my life. namaste.
I miss you.
Todays technology really has changed the way we all process communication. How long has it been since i actually heard your actual voice? We text and we email yet even email has become more of an old fashion custom. Its tough for me to believe that i am forty years old now. I feel just the same as i did when i was about to turn thirteen and we just met. Time flies as everyone gossips about! I feel as if i have spent most of those 27years waiting to see you again. I am ashamed at the jealousy i feel that others get to see your beautiful face every day or every week and i do not. I do actually see you everyday when i walk through my office there is the photograph we had taken together when i was 21. I hardly remember the picture but i remember you as if you are here next to me right now. I wonder if i shall ever truly understand how i could have found such luck to have met you. Your spirit has resonated within me for so many years! It still feels as if I won a major award or lottery by having the honor of a weekend getaway with you this November. Everyone should be this excited to be near you. Why did we not ever think of this all these years before? I do not wish to meddle in fear at this juncture in my life but old habits die hard and it seems everytime i get my hopes up then something steps in to disappoint me. I do not ask for so much in this life. Love is all there truly is. Thats all i truly want. I love you. More than family and more than friendship. From somewhere in the cosmos that i am still anxiously searching for. I have never heard of Chillicothe Ohio but if you are there and willing to see me then i am honored to meet you here. November seems a lifetime away. A bit of less interesting news is I have maintained a relatively healthy and peaceful digestive routine these days i am happy to report. HOw has your IBS been? I know that gluten and sugar and dairy are major culprits. I have cheated a little on the diet this time around but very minor infractions i assure you.I have recently discovered the love of homemade vegan pesto. I feel like i can eat like royalty and not hurt the next morning! I hope to have a greenhouse up by winter so that i may grow basil year round. Well, not just basil but it has me thinking of how i have limited time this summer to harvest the basiil supply i wish to consumme through pesto. hehe. How has your summer been thus far? I actually never minded the Michigan humidity. We had some crazy storms last night. This past week has wreaked havoc around the southeast with storms. A canadian cold front is predicted to move through and cool us off and if this is accurate then i am excited for the calm after the storm. My garden faired well and all my food is still standing strong so this gives me peace of mind. I have read more of Tale of Two Cities and its still a slow read for me as the writing is so old school. I like to read Dickens though as he seems to have stumbled upon a place in life and decided to step inside it to share the details with us. The way he describes what he chooses to describe and what he chooses to emphasize is amusing to me. I have been busy in the shop preparing for Floydfest at the end of the month. I like the positive response Dharma Wood is recieving but i have anxiety about the travelling and large crowds of people i will be surrounded by in a foreign place. The more i move inward in my dance and my path, the less i want to be around scores of strangers. I become more and more sensitive of the energy of others but i am not yet able to decipher what is actually happening with their energy. I know when i definately do NOT like someones energy and when i love the energy of other people no matter what impression they might give me. I can read through the obvious folks who let it all hangout through their ego or blind obedience of american culture and no idea as to what they are even doing on this planet.Harsh, ouch. I am guilty of this programmed way of thinking at times myself. I am not being hateful, just sharing my heart. Being so sensitive to this energy tho makes it difficult to acclimate to any social environment or scene. The more i learn about myself and others the less i want to be around the rest of the world.Not that i am better. I just prefer to live and surround myself around more mindful people. Does that even make sense? I wonder if Eckhart Tolle feels this melancholy? Do you? Neo stayed out from under the porch for almost an hour this morning and while the girls were outside with me! I was so proud of him. He was bouncing and jumping excitedly as if he were a young pup. He has been too shy to show his joy to anyone other than me. You could see how happy he was to be there with all of us girls and NO MEN to scare him. The girls are about to leave to their Daddy’s for the weekend and i can feel the sadness move in on me even though its been a dozen years of sharing them with the wasband. It takes me awhile to move through the unpleasant feelings and transition into a woman who has a date with her sweetheart tonight. it helps to have Neo here as our walks help me transition. When i have to talk or deal with most people during this time i am a mess. There is an advantage to having a seemingly eternal youthful spirit and also disadvantages. I may look young and have no gray hair yet but I should be able to transition with change better than i do. I would rather have gray hair and wrinkles. If G comes home early and i do not get the time to process this tough change inside me then i am a terrible date. I do not make alot of sense all of the time but it does seem to be a challenge at times in marriage. He does adore me though. Nothing special or great ever comes easy. I am blessed that G feels the same way. 🙂 On date night we like to keep it full of fire so i try to dress up in a pink or blue wig or some sexy outfit i could care less to wear on any other occasion; or go to a club to dance or somewhere kinky to misbehave for the thrill of it. I get stuck sometimes in that place of transition and the old feelings that like to try to haunt me of my precious little family all divorced and different. If i have too many phone calls to make before our date night it can really make it tough for me to prepare myself. i want to be fun and enjoy the fun we share on our nights alone together. There is much joy and fire and attraction between us that it can be painful to experience a stick in the spoke of the tires of our romantic rendezvous together when my heart wants to hold on to things at the wrong time. Oh to have all the wisdom of many years of marriage such as you do! I must run as i hear my husband coming home early as i suspected. I love you as big as the sky precious love! Has anyone told you today how truly magical and phenomenal you are? Please know that words cannot describe how amazing you are to me.